Only child dilemma

[Whyyounoeatmypie]

So I know this has been asked a lot and I also know what I'd say to someone else in my position but I think I maybe just need yo hear it myself!

I have an awesome DS, 2.3. Right now, things are good: I've just got myself back into a career that makes me really happy and my husband is able to stay home which suits everyone down to the ground. I'm fit and healthy again after losing 3 stone and recovering from very serious PND that went on past his first birthday, and DH and I are enjoying each other again.I look back at the person I was in pregnancy until recovery and feel terrified: I was suicidal, self harming and paranoid and my relationship was on its last legs. We have/had very little family help so have only been out together twice on our own, during the day when my mum could have DS.

My body and a load of my emotions want another baby. DH I know would love another one but when we've discussed it recently we've spoken about all the above and come round a little to the idea of stopping at one. It seems like something we woukd do in an ideal world with much more family support and without the risk of my mental health nosediving again but that's just not our situtation and I'm not sure I want to risk the fallout of bad MH on DS (as well as us obv).The only thing that gives me real pause is him not having a sibling relationship - even if they don't get on like a house on fire I think learning to share space and compromise is so valuable, and thinking of him having someone around when we are old/gone is comforting...

Words of wisdom? Kicks up the bum?

Only having one child is not depriving that child of anything, DH was an only child and very happy about that, he is sociable and gregarious. I have a similar debate internally and I haven't had the mental health struggles you have. Ultimately you need to weigh everything up and see what's best for your family and your health.

I am an only child and my motto is 'I don't miss what I never had'.

I had a pretty good childhood, I know I would never have had got the opportunities I had if I wasn't an only child (limited income). I'm an adult and can hand on heart say I do not resent not having a sibling. I still have a pretty good life, I have close friends, a good DP and extended family and a very close relationship with my mum (my dad died as a teen).

When I mentioned to friends etc growing up that I was an only child, they were surprised because I didn't act spoilt. I also had some friends throughout my life who were 'onlies' and also never acted spoilt / unable to compromise etc. On the flip side my former best friend at Secondary was very demanding, mollycoddled, spoilt and she had a brother. Its how you raise him as a parent that will shape his personality and values.

And in my circles there are far more only children nowadays than there was when I was born in the early 90s.

Children learn to share space and compromise in settings other than just at home. Nursery, toddler groups, soft play, friends, family, play dates. It's all learning opportunities.

We have one, due to his horrific birth.

We love having one.

We only have to cart one around to various after-school activities.

We only have to spend money one one (December birthday stings, he plays rugby and that is eye--wateringly expensive here!).

Holidays are cheap.

Days out are cheap.

He loves being at school and seeing his mates, he loves playing at their houses, he loves having his friends round our house, but he loves coming home to a quiet house with all his stuff which is HIS stuff and hasn't been moved/broken by a sibling. He loves the quiet.

We are not raising him spoilt - he hears 'no', he doesn't demand things, he helps tidy up and clean the house (wet-wiping the skirting boards, taking his dirty plates to the kitchen, sweeping the stairs with a little brush).

I have an older sister, we are mid-40s and have never got on - never. DH is one of 6 and they rub alobg ok, had a fabulous childhood. My best friend is an only and one of the most generous people i know.

Tbh i dislike the term 'only' child, is suggests something us missing (i only have one eye, she only has one pair of shoes, etc), my son is not lacking in anything. Plus we have a dog which he calls his sister!

Oh and in his class of 22 about 8 or 9 are sibling-free, we all spend a lot of time together in parks etc.

I have an only DD aged 7. She likes being and only, I like having an only. She has cousins she is close with which is nice.

Don't do it.

PND is a very serious illness.

If your Dr said if you have another baby you will be paralysed or die. You would probably think well we have one lovely baby and are really happy our family would have liked another baby but I can't risk not being around for the DS I already have.

However if the Dr said we can't guarantee that the above won't happen but we will do everything in our power to make sure it doesn't then you would weigh the risks or how much I want another baby and decide whether to take that risk or not.

I think the same things can be factored into PND, there is a chance that you will be equally ill again and your DS, the new baby and your husband and yourself will really suffer. Or you may not get PND this time or it may be a lot more controllable and maybe you will get better quicker. Also hopefully you will be on top of it immediately and take steps to prevent or control it quicker, as you know more about it after having it already.

So ultimately I think you need to really want another baby for yourself, don't worry about DS, there are many types of family and one or two or more children, you are still a family and will give DS a lovely childhood however your family turns out.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I’m an only child. I have DH and DC so won’t be alone when my parents die. And I’d be a lot worse off if I had a sibling and would only have had half the experiences and opportunities I’ve had (because my parents would have had to split their money between two).

DH has a sister. The age gap was 4 years so she didn’t really hang out with him as he was a primary school kid when she was a teen, etc. She moved halfway up the country to go to university when he was 14. So they’ve never really hung out as adults or had nights out etc. We see her maybe 2-3 times a year for Easter and Christmas etc. It always feels a bit forced. If DH’s mum had only had her as company for DH it would have been a waste of time.

And DF’s brother moved to Australia so basically DF might as well be an only child!

I don’t think your child would miss out being an only child.

But, if you truly want a second, and it’s only the pregnancy/birth/PND aspects putting you off why not consider adopting?

I wish I’d been an only. I have 3 siblings & we’re all NC.

I have lovely friends though.

i have two, and my elder one has been furious since the moment she realised the baby wasn't going anywhere and there is near constant jealousy and scrapping - not all sibling relationships are warm and supportive. I completely understand the reasons for not risking another one when everything is going so well.

tbh, in purely objective terms, a sibling in the short run means sharing attention, sharing resources and making that child worse off - particularly if you have a small family and not a big team of nurturing gps/aunts/uncles etc. i had a second child for me, because i felt an overwhelming urge to have another baby, not for my other child.

My experience as an only child is similar to @PoppingGlitter's. I never remember wanting siblings as a child - I had lots of friends and they were welcome round our house and vice versa, and I used to come home and tell my mum I was glad I didn't have a brother :D She was a single parent too and we have such an amazing relationship now, just me and her. And I was given opportunities and experiences that wouldn't have been possible with two children.

You just like and prefer what you're used to, mostly. I don't really recognise or identify with stories where people have claimed they need another child because their son or daughter is 'so upset they won't have a sibling'. I wonder how much of that is projecting, really, or badgering the child saying 'would you like a brother or sister?' over and over again until they become attached to the idea.

Learning to share and play together and communicate isn't really to do with having a sibling - it's to do with positive interactions with other children and adults, whether in the home, at school, etc. There's also no guarantee that siblings will be close in later life or offer each other support –my mum has two brothers but she ended up caring for my ailing grandad pretty much on her own for various reasons and got more support from friends, my stepdad, etc. Sometimes friends provide just as much and even more support than a sibling will in later life.

I think you need to divorce it from what you think your son needs and think just about you and DP and what you want and can cope with, without feeling guilty you are letting your son down in some way.

I have several siblings, all bar one have moved to other countries so contact is via technology.

DFIL was an only child who had the biggest circle of friends I've ever seen, and went on to have his own large family. The turn out for his funeral was staggeringly huge. He was well liked and loved by many.

DS is an only due to infertility. Sometimes I get a pang, but we moved closer to family so he's got loads of cousins he plays with daily and is very close to. His social life is better than ours tbh. His GD turned out just fine as an only, so that gives me reassurance.

I had a lot of problems during my pregnancy which could have had repercussions on both me and the baby. I was signed off work at 18 weeks or so and had to have careful monitoring. Thankfully both me and baby were fine but because of the risks involved we decided to only have one child.

To cut a long story short I started craving a second and one of my main reasons was because I didn’t want my son to be an only child. My husband kept saying no, over and over again and it took me about a year to get him to agree for a second.

I had the same problems with my second pregnancy that I’d had with my first, in fact I was probably a little bit worse but again, me and the baby were fine.

My first son was 3.5 years old when the second baby was born and I won’t lie to you, seeing them together brings tears to my eyes sometimes. The love they have for each other is amazing and seeing their relationship develop has been wonderful. They are 4 and 14 months now and they are inseparable and my oldest is always telling me how his baby brother is his best friend, how much he loves him and how he loves him even more than he loves me

When I catch them having cuddles and kisses when they I don’t know I’m watching it’s probably one of the best feelings in the world. Seeing them play together and giggle together, watching my oldest one read the baby books and chase him round the garden and teach him how to do things etc, well it’s just wonderful.

Having another baby has benefited my eldest so much in many ways and we 100% made the right decision. Even my previously reluctant husband can now see how much having a second baby has enriched our life as well as our eldest sons.

I know that things may not be plain sailing forever between them but seeing them together now and seeing the special relationship they have makes me so, so happy.

My daughter loves being an only child! She went through a phase of being desperate for a baby sister but as I couldn't guarantee it wouldn't be a boy, I bought her a rabbit instead and that seemed to do the job . She loves the peace and quiet of a child-free space in the evenings and at weekends.

The three pairs of siblings I look after bicker incessantly and do everything they can to get away from each other.

I used to have a feeling of guilt that she'd be 'left on her own' when her dad and I aren't around anymore but she has a great friendship network around her so I don't think that will ever be a problem.

Tbh i dislike the term 'only' child

Me too. Much prefer 'sibling-free'

My DH and I have went through this recently and have came to the decision that our DD will be our only child. I was heartbroken about it and would burst into tears randomly but now a few months on I believe we have made the best decision for our family.

I had a horrific birth with our DD and even now i suffer with the after effects (tore horribly and was stitched incorrectly) and i have been told that becoming pregnant might worsen those symptoms due to internal scar tissue etc.

Already on my worst days i am bed bound so i cant imagine being even worse - what kind of mother could i be to our daughter if i cant even move!

Luckily she has a group of very close friends and a few of them are only children and the play beautifully together. Also, our DD does lots of expensive activities which we could not afford if we have another child - i don't feel its far for her to give up something that she loves (and is very good at) because we decided to give her a sibling.

Our DD is 4 at the moment and has asked for a sibling once, but when i told her that she would need to give up her toy room, share her toys and not have as much time with us it soon changed her mind.

That was all so helpful, thank you.

Seriously, why is it that when hormones get involved the ability to reason goes absolutely tits up? Case in point: friends. My son will have friends! And his own partner/kids! I had genuinely just sort of forgotten about that under the fog of guilt (who knew there were so many hypothetical things to feel guilty about?!)

You've all made me feel so much better. To the poster who had a second, I'm so happy it's worked out so well especially after what sounds like a very traumatic time. Interestingly it's what you and others said about looking at what DH and I need first, that has clarified things. We'd struggle and I know it. We are happy and getting happier, and if I'm totally hand on heart honest I don't want to go through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period again even if I don't get PND. It's sad how much guilt I have saying that too! But the isidious pressure is real.

Anyway. Thank you. You are all great.

To be honest I think only children aren’t bothered about having no siblings but I do think as they get older they notice it more.

I have three friends (we are mid 30s) who are only children and they will all say it was brilliant as a child because they got what they wanted, had all their parents attention, but now as adults they feel like something is missing.

I don’t mean every adult only child feels like that, i imagine a huge portion of them even as adults are happy with no siblings, I’m just taking from my own experiences.

I have a sister who is my best friend and all my best memories are wrapped up in her. We can talk for hours and hours about our childhood, all the things we did together, talk about our family, talk about all the mischief we got up together and generally just laugh about our wonderful memories as we grew up together. I can’t imagine not having someone to to do that with.

On the opposite end of the spectrum though I’m sure lots of siblings hate each other though so it really is pot luck I guess

And you’re right - there’s a lot of pressure from society. Don’t let that get to you (easier said than done) just live your life in whatever way is best for you as a family. Your son will be absolutely fine without a sibling