Is it me?

[Whattodowhattodoohmy]

I’ve never had a close relationship with my family, I love them but I don’t want them knowing very much about my life, in the past I could go weeks without phoning them or seeing them. I left home when in was 17, I hated my childhood (parents were alcoholics, so we were neglected but we were loved), so I’m not sure if this is the reason why I’m so distant from them, and I’ve never been close to my sister, we would argue all the time when we were younger.

So, it’s just my mum, sister and I as my dad has passed away. Mum isn’t very well, and my sister and I are down everyday to help her. However, this has been going on for about 3 weeks now, and doesn’t look like it’s stopping any time soon. I work from home and my sister works full time. As my sister is nearer to my mum, she goes to see her in the morning to give her breakfast and at night to give her dinner. I go see her mid morning, and stay to give her lunch.

I’ve told my sister she can’t keep it up, it’s too much for her (she struggled to hold everything together when my dad was ill, so I know it will be the same with the amount of time she is spending with my mum), but sister can’t see past this and says ‘well mum needs us so we just have to keep going). But I’m struggling, I’ve got 2 kids ages 10 and 13 (one is a looked after child), i have quite a few training courses I really need to go on, and my house is a tip (for my job I need to keep it up to a certain standard plus, for my own sanity I need to clean my home, it starts to get to me when my house isn’t in order IYSWIM).

My sister just expects me to go down every day as I have a feeling she thinks I’m not actually working, especially when the kids are at school but next weeks the kids are on holiday from school but I will still be expected to go down.
Last week I had a rare night out with my husband (being a carer I cannot always get time off) something that had been planned for over a year with very good friends of ours, but my mum ended up in hospital, and my sister called me (when I was on my way out the door) and asked me if I was going to visit mum in hospital that night, of course when I told her no, she wasn’t very happy (Mum got out of hospital the next day).

As I said I love my family and of course my mum does need a bit of help and I don’t mind doing it, but it seems as if it’s going to be very long term, and I’ve suggested careers but my sister won’t hear of it, and has said we need to do it!

So is it me? Am I the one being unreasonable? My sister is bossy and can be a bit controlling (IMO) and always gets her own way in her own house and with my parents.

YANBU to say you can't cope with looking after your mum on top of everything else, not really sure the best way to approach it though. Maybe say to you sister you will do set day each week (how ever many you feel is manageable) and she can either do the rest or get carers.

Would your mum get any financial help with care?

My mum has the most benefits she can get so she would need to pay for carers but I’m not sure how much it all costs but the doctors have said she should be feeling better soon, they aren’t thinking how she is is going to be long term.
The thing is (and I feel terrible for saying/thinking this) my mum is lazy, always has been and I’m not confident when she is better she will say we don’t need to go down.
My mums house is always untidy, and she said earlier in the year she was going to get a cleaner, and I told her she wasn’t and I would go down to clean it for her (at this point I was going down twice a week), but my mum wouldn’t even wash a dish, she left everything lying about and whenever I went down, the kitchen was covered with dirty plates, bins over flowing etc.

I don’t mind going down twice a week, but I’m just expected to go down every single day, and I do feel for my sister as she must be struggling but to me she just seems to trying to be a martyr and therefore expects everyone else to do the same.

Why wouldn't you let her get a cleaner?

I think in this situation you need to decide what you are willing/able to do and then stick to that. What your sister does is up to her. Yes, they may well be unhappy with you but so what? You've said yourself you're not close so why are you so bothered what your sister wants/thinks? You don't actually have to get her agreement or convince her that you really are working, you just need to be clear about what you will and won't be doing.

I'm really close to my family but I wouldn't keep up that level of care for any longer than you have. It's not sustainable long term and you need to put other plans into place. What your sister does is up to her. Don't let her guilt you into doing more than you feel is reasonable. You have a duty towards your own family too.

I think you have been wonderful for doing what you have, given your background history.

Oh and I agree, why wouldn't you let her pay for a cleaner? You'll need to outsource the other care too and that is likely to cost money and/or effort to fill in forms if she's incapable of looking after herself and needs carers in.

Thanks for replying.

my mum could afford a cleaner it’s not about the money, my grandad had a cleaner and we found out the cleaner stole £3000 from him, I would just hate for that to happen to my mum, and it was kind of expected of me to do it because I was down visiting twice a week.

Her flat is very small so it really doesn’t take long, it’s just I felt because I was cleaning for her, my mum just didn’t lift a finger at all.

I really shouldn’t bother what my sister says/thinks but for some reason it does. I would hate for anyone to think I wasn’t pulling my weight.

When you say your child is a LAC do you mean they are in care? If so you have bigger priorities than your mum's cleaning.
Could you go with her to the next doctor's appointment? That way you'll know what he says she should be capable of rather than taking her word, if she's as lazy as you say she'll milk this.
I mean this nicely, but the parent child dynamic had never been right, as a child you weren't career for due to alcohol and now you're being used as a dogsbody. You and your sister have been conditioned to think that is ok to accept this treatment. It's not. I understand helping if she's sick for a fixed period, but other than that you need to distance yourself, sort out your own home and focus on your children, that's something that maybe your mum doesn't understand because it isn't what she did.