Men arghhh!

[sickandtired44]

Hi all long time lurker and occasional poster. Name changed because DH has the occasional read. Let's hope this isn't too outing.

DH and I have been married 2 years. We live together and have 3 DC. I'm a SAHM to our youngest so I do all the cleaning, washing and food throughout the week. I basically 'keep house' which I'm absolutely fine about. What I can not abide is that every night when DH comes in he doesn't stop whinging from the moment he walks through the door. Whether it's about how the washings been hung out or his dinner being over cooked. We don't have a regular sex life anymore and he falls asleep on the sofa most nights. When he does go to bed he snores so badly I then have to go into our youngest room to get any sleep.
When we first started dating there was a number of things he wanted me to 'change' so I've worked really hard on those but at the time I only asked him to control his anger better. It's gotten worse over time where he'll erupt over the smallest thing in the supermarket and cause such a scene.

He had mother issues. She was vile to him as a child. He has refused counselling and says he forgotten about it but the tension and constant snide remarks leads me to think otherwise. I can't afford nor do I want to leave but I'm getting to the point where I'm just so depressed and in tears most days.

I don't know why I've even posted in AIBU I guess I'm looking for ways I can approach this really. He refuses all offers of help and just swears at me and tells me to leave. He'll then text me saying he's sorry but I know he's not because it always comes with a but.

Please be as kind as possible. Reading it back I already think I'm pathetic

What were the things he wanted you to change when you first started dating? He sounds controlling. You're not pathetic. It also sounds like he's really had an effect on your self esteem. What are you adamant you won't leave?

I'm sorry but he is not going to change! The situation is going to get worse the longer you stay with him. YABU to accept this and for the sake of you and your DC things need to change.

O god he sounds exhausting. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? But worsening; he wont change. Next time he says leave say ok. Then change the locks when he goes to work. He only suggests you leave as he knows you have nowhere to go. Help him out with a decision.

Why should you change for him when he won't change for you?

He won't even consider counselling?! Probably because he knows he's out of order and the current status quo works for him. He gets everything he needs and you're suffering because of it.

Time for you to start thinking about getting out. Get counselling of your own and build support to help you leave

He said I was messy. Didn't clear up enough after myself which is probably true a bit living single lady life probably left me a tad messy.

We moved 300 miles plus away from family so I feel a bit like ok where do we go if we leave? It's DH house he bought it in his Batchelor days. I just feel a bit stuck I suppose.

You're married so it's yours too. You could also move away if you're happy to facilitate contact.

There are options out there for you. Look at The Freedom Project.

Do you talk to him about his behaviour? If so what does he say? I think unfortunately he's unlikely to change if he has always been like this.

I am sorry OP I have been married 22 years and DH has never asked me to change anything about myself, instead he is always complimentary. He also barely complains or whines. I am sorry that your DH is so negative, he sounds like he blames everyone and everything else for his own shortcomings. You don't have to live like this for the rest of your life if you don't want to, you still have options xxxxx

I know you don’t want people to tell you to separate from him because it feels like an impossible feat. But the truth he is abusing you. Maybe not physically but he has worn down your confidence and self esteem to the point where you think you are in the wrong or being pathetic and you are isolated from your family and you are living your life around him. The power balance has shifted so much that he thinks he has the right to explode with anger in a public place and is treating you with zero respect. If you can’t leave him now, what you need to do is start getting yourself in a stronger position. If I was you, I would see if you can take some kind of job - maybe a part time job even. This will give you a sense of self worth, a little independence and some perspective. As you seem to have forgotten how you should be treated as a human being, with feelings and rights. I have a worry he may not approve of you getting a job because it will help you to assert yourself but if you can, that would be my advice to start with. Start saving too because one day hopefully you will realise enough is enough and you will want to be free to live in a relaxed environment, on your own or even with someone kind and tolerant who values you. Am sorry you are going through this. Counselling could also be really useful so you could ask for some through your doctor.

Your title insinuates that this is normal "man" behaviour. It really isn't. I don't know why you don't want to leave, but you really should. Sounds like a terrible relationship. You deserve better.

Yeah I tell him that I feel like he's disrespectful and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. I don't expect him to say thanks for tea every night or oh this is amazing. I try really hard to make healthy meals that are different every night but I'm not the best cook so the criticism definitely knocks my confidence. He just responds with 'why do you expect recognition for everything you do' I didn't think I did. I really don't know anymore. I'm just exhausted

Oh god I sound ridiculous I am an adult honest. I feel like that looks like it was written by a child. Thanks so much for all your feedback. When people say abuse I squirm massively because I hate that term and assume it's for those that are hit by their partner. In your own opinions where do you draw the line at abuse? Surely arguments are normal in a relationship from time to time? When does it cross over?

@peakydante I'm so sorry if I offended. I've never written a new chapter thing before so had no idea what to write in the title. I absolutely didn't mean to tar all men with the same brush

In the short term stop cooking lovely meals. Dish up beans on toast and explain that since you get moaned at anyway, it has put you right off cooking. Tell him you used to enjoy making nice meals but that pleasure has been taken by his criticism.

Also tell him if he wants things done differently then do them himself or pay for a cleaner. You gave up paid employment to raise the children not be a housekeeper.

He also sounds like he’s struggling with being the sole breadwinner and the responsibility may be affecting his behaviour. Have an adult discussion on neutral territory (book a babysitter and go out for a drink). Lay down some ground rules. Accept he might be tired but a bunch of flowers every Friday would balance the odd snappy comment.
Agree which household tasks he is responsible for and when you get “me” time.

He SHOULD be thanking you each time you make him a meal. Manners cost nothing. You need to leave as it won't get any better, you won't change him, you will become more and more drained and a shadow of your former self if not already. However I know no matter how many posters tell you to leave you only will once that light turns on.
It's emotional abuse and I suggest you contact Women's Aid as a starting point.

Start saving. It doesn’t matter how much, even if it’s a tiny amount a week, get a plan. Even if it takes years for you to execute it. It will give you focus and help you deal with this shit better. Save and plan. Then when the time is right, take your children and get on that train and travel the 300 miles to your family. Start again. Life is too short to waste it living with an arsehole.

I only asked him to control his anger better. It's gotten worse over time where he'll erupt over the smallest thing in the supermarket and cause such a scene.

This is what I find most worrying.
Never mind the criticism, which can still be a form of abuse.

If you see no easy way out, do contact Women's Aid for local practical help.

The council may also be able to help with sorting a place to live, etc.

I'm afraid that with his "anger issues" he'll turn physical, if he hasn't yet.

This sort of gradually increasing criticism is all about controlling you and making you feel you have to be grateful to him and earn his approval it is definitely abusive in nature never mind what you said about his anger issues!

Put simply at the moment why would he change his behaviour, he has you exactly where he wants you. He criticises you and then instead of telling him to fuck off and wash and dry his own clothes or make his own dinners you try harder and harder to please the un-please-able.

Sadly, he won't change at all no matter what he says about being sorry after the event because there is nothing in it for him. Atm he has an unpaid servant who he kicks (metaphorically ) whenever he feels like it and is grateful to him when he behaves like a normal adult man!

You don't want your DC's growing up thinking that this is the way their mum deserves to be treated do you? If not you need to start making a plan. You need to think about getting some savings that he doesn't know about or have access to so that you have an escape fund if it be necessary (cash back each time you buy shopping). Think very hard about going back to work. I know it's difficult with small children but it's not impossible (research childcare options) and you would have more control of your situation and be less dependent on him treating you well. It will also help you regain some self respect which it is very clear from your post that he has eroded.

His behaviour will not get better. It's an often said thing on MN but when someone shows you who they are believe them.

'Struggling with being the sole breadwinner'? I never get this argument. He was the 'sole breadwinner' for himself before having a wife and family. I don't really see the difference, (speaking as someone who has been the sole breadwinner as a single parent.)

'Struggling with being the sole breadwinner'? I never get this argument.

Indeed.
Unless they're working zero hour contracts and 100 hour weeks, there's no reason to struggle.
I've been the main, I then only bread winner. It's not that challenging.

Really good point about sole breadwinner. Will attempt to have a chat with him about that and check out some local jobs for a few hours a week. Thanks so much for your replies it's really helpful. I've been saving money but only have about £500 so far it's slow going but I know I've got a little bit stashed for essentials like train fares home etc if it comes to that

So, you'll get a job and continue to do everything at home?