To want a proper apology?

[Naturistnicola]

Long story short, I haven't spoken to exdp for 4 months due to his erratic behaviour in regards to contact with our dc.

We previously had an amicable relationship, but often had blowups which were sorted out quite quickly and we would move on me not saying what I really felt for a peaceful life
Last year we had an awful falling out over him lying about his new relationship, he was spending every weekend with his new partner and not showing up for contact, then when he did decide to see dcs he introduced them to her without me knowing and told my dcs to keep it a secret.
Now I have no issue with him having a partner or introducing her to our dcs, however I don't like being lied to and for my dcs to think they can't cone and speak to me about something for fear of upsetting their df.

Anyway it all came to a head in july/August when I stopped contact as he was being very abusive towards me, making threats of violence and that he would take the dcs and I would never see them again, as I don't know where his new house is I wasn't going to allow them to go so he hasn't seen them since the end of July.

He has recently been in contact saying he wants to move forward but doesn't want to discuss what happend, I have told him the only way I'm prepared to move on is if he admits he was wrong to say and do what he did, however he is refusing to do so and thinks that just saying sorry is enough.

I don't think that a blanket sorry is a decent enough apology, especially when I know he just wants to sweep it all under the carpet so he doesn't have to deal with any issues.
His last message to me was " I want us to be friends if you don't want that it's cool.
I'm not going to tell you my wrongs, you know what they are, I know what they are so I don't see the point in saying them out loud"

My response was " the point of saying what they are is to show that you understand what you done wrong and for me to see that you accept responsibility for your actions, if you cannot do that it shows me you haven't changed"

He has a history of not admitting when he's wrong, one of the many reasons we broke up, so am I wrong for wanting him to say what he done wrong, rather than me tell him what done and apologise properly?

YANBU my ex was another one who liked to talk about ‘putting the past behind us’ and all that when he was the one who’d been abusive, but he’d never accept responsibility for what he’d done. Even if he does apologise properly, he’s the one in the wrong so it has to be your choice to move on and not his

He’s about as sorry as my 3 year old. Sorry he’s in trouble but not sorry for what he’s done.

Hrs an adult

You can't force anything.

@testing I think you've got the nail on the head, he says he's sorry because that's what you should say and because I've asked him too.

@pipp I feel as though I can't move on, there have been so many incidents over the years and I think this one was the last straw, which is why I need him to say what he's done wrong.
Usually I would just accept the sorry and be done with it.

Stop chasing down an apology that won't be genuine even if you get one. Rise above and move on.

As Aqua says, don't bother. You'll never get a real one, no point even trying. Let it go.

I'm not at the point of begging, infact I'm quite alright to not have him in my life but he does need to own up to certain things and to be able to have a proper discussion with me regarding our dc.

I've also told him I want nothing more to do with him as there is no point in trying with him as I'm sure he'll do it again.

Even if he does apologise you can choose not to accept that apology until you’re ready, he doesn’t get to choose when you move on from this. Do you have any texts/emails/etc where he’s threatening you? If you do you need to keep them in case he decides to kick up a fuss, you can use them as evidence.

You want something from him that he’s not going to give. Don’t waste your energy and words and emotions on trying to extract some meaningless words from him.

Think about what you want to happen now with regard to his contact with the children.

If you don’t trust him to keep them safe, return them to you after contact, and not to be abusive to you at hand overs, then I wouldn’t respond to him at all. However, he may take you to court so you need to have a record of previous incidents so that you can justify your position.

Yes I have all texts backed up.
I am being very firm with him atm, he's tried to call me but I've ignored him and only send messages via whatsapp I'm not ready to speak to him on the phone or face 2 face just yet even if he did say sorry.

I trust him not to harm our dcs but don't trust him not to be verbally abusive towards me and that was the main reason for me to stop contact.

Is he still having contact with the DC? If not is that his choice or your choice? You've said you believe they would be safe with him so I really hope you haven't stopped his contact.

YANBU How do you know the same things won't happen again if you don't discuss it?

He threatened to take them away and that she’d never see them again - I’d be seriously concerned about letting him see them too.

He made threats after what sounds like a heated argument. OP has stated that she believes there would be no risk to the DC. If he didn't return them when he was supposed to then contact police and there would be reason to go to court re supervised contact etc. At the minute there is nothing to suggest he would actually ensure OP would never see them again.

Don't get me wrong, he sounds like a complete dick, but I have seen in RL several occasions (including a female friend of mine do it to her exDP) where the mum has stopped children having contact with their dad because they aren't happy that the dad doesn't behave or say what they want to hear. This should not mean that the children are stopped from having a relationship with their father. The children have two parents. The father should have exactly the same rights as the mother.

he does need to own up to certain things

No, he doesn't. Maybe he should, but he won't. You are being delusional if you think an "apology" will change anything. At this point, the only one harming you is yourself. Embrace reality and focus on the future.

Am I the only one who is rather concerned the father won’t tell OP where he lives, has threatened to take DC away so OP will never see them again? He also makes children keep secrets from OP. Warning bells for me. I think he’d need supervised visitation and only that.

That then does away with any other contact beteeen OP and Ex

Just to be clear I have not stopped contact permanently, nor did I stop it because he didn't behave or do what I said.
I stopped contact on one weekend only, the same weekend he threatened to attack me at pick up and told me he wasn't going to bring them back, he has however chosen not to see them since but has had phone contact.

An apology with him owning what has happend would actually change alot between us and he knows this.
When we first split there were some awful times, but we worked through them for our dc to then go on to have a decent co-parent relationship. I would rather work with him again so we are able to sit at parents evening together without throwing daggers at each other.