Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

AIBU?

To not go to baby shower

104 replies

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 09:59

A long time ago I learnt I was going through early menopause whilst the.
It devastated me and I have never been able to move on despite counselling.
I can't bear anything pregnancy related or anything to do with babies. I do have a 17 year old and I know people will say think yourself lucky u have one and I do cherish him I really do but I feel bitter at not having been able to have 2nd dc.
A relative is due November and the family have arranged a baby shower and I have said I'm not going and my dm said I'm am not been fair on others and I need to get over it. She said I will make people feel awkward but I don't agree as I know I won't be given any thought because everybody will be wrapped up in my pregnant relative and enjoying the day. I told my dm I just can't be subjected to it. Aibu please go easy on me.

OP posts:

Report

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 10:56

I don't know why I have taken it so badly and why my mind is so fucked up about it but it is. I can't seem to stop it.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 10/10/2018 10:56

You don’t know anybody who’s suffering?
Of course you do. People suffer grief and loss all the time. You are displaying a complete lack of empathy OP.

TomHardysNextWife · 10/10/2018 10:56

I had a stillborn baby OP and get very nervous when people tell me they are pregnant, buy tonnes of baby stuff and never have a thought in their head that something could go wrong.

But that's my issues, not theirs. It's not their fault that they can have children, and every baby's safe arrival into this world is truly a marvel to be celebrated. I'd go, I'd join in the fun but come home and have a bloody good cry after. You can't spend a lifetime avoiding pregnant women .

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 10:57

I rarely mention it to anybody my feelings day in day out how they destroy me day after day so I fail to see how anybody can be fed up of it

OP posts:

Di11y · 10/10/2018 10:57

Don't go, you're not ready, but get counselling so it doesn't rule your life.

Wolfiefan · 10/10/2018 10:59

You need to find a way to move past this. It’s not suffering top trumps. Stop letting this control your whole life and define who you are.

SEsofty · 10/10/2018 11:02

Maybe it’s coming to the fore at the moment because if you have a teenager you are now at the age when you would traditionally go through the menopause and your child is entering their fertile period.

You need to think about how you will handle your feelings if you become a grandmother

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 11:03

I have tried and tried to think past this

OP posts:

problembottom · 10/10/2018 11:03

Just don't go and don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm having a baby shower in November and one of my relatives isn't coming. I think she's probably made an excuse not to come because she can't handle it (for different reasons to yourself) and that's fine! If she's not comfortable I'd rather she didn't subject herself to it.

My DM is acting like it's devastating this relative isn't coming when I don't mind a jot. I'm trying my best to ignore her.

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 11:04

I feel that as long as I am actively involved with a grandchild it may help me.

OP posts:

AuntBeastie · 10/10/2018 11:04

I think it’s fine if you don’t want to go. MN is usually wildly anti baby shower and claims they are grabby and self-indulgent, so I don’t know why you’re getting a kicking for not wanting to go when it’s painful for you.

Secondary infertility can be devastating and the fact that some women can’t have any children doesn’t invalidate your pain. YANBU to avoid situations which will be painful for you.

Your mother isn’t being very nice. In future if this comes up again I wouldn’t tell her your reasons for not going - avoid the drama and just pretend you have a prior commitment.

I think it might help to try again with counselling and maybe come to some peace on this if you can. It is obviously a source of great pain, and therapy might help you address that.

Davespecifico · 10/10/2018 11:04

OP - I think you need to start another thread in another section because your feelings about the occasion shouldn't spill over into your response to the invite.
In thus thread focus on advice about what to do next. Start a thread in another sections ir bout your feelings about your early menopause.

gamerchick · 10/10/2018 11:05

You need to think about how you will handle your feelings if you become a grandmother

That's what I was thinking. You have to find a way to make peace with this. When your child starts a family you won't be able to avoid it or even worse totally focus on any new babies.

You need to actively seek out that help. It's not healthy.

Padparadscha · 10/10/2018 11:09

Davespecifico, the op’s previous thread was about her feelings on the matter. She didn’t seem to take anything on board. As I said previously, MN can’t help with what is obviously a deep rooted psychological problem. The OP needs to see a GP and take it from there.

Wolfiefan · 10/10/2018 11:09

“It may help me”?
It’s not all about you. And that’s not what grandkids are for. You need to seek professional help if you can’t move past this.

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 11:10

I'm not been nasty but how many children do the posters that have judged me actually have

OP posts:

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 11:11

That's harsh wolfie

OP posts:

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 11:12

What's so wrong abt focusing on a grandchild to help with my grief

OP posts:

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 11:12

I'm not gonna stalk it

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 10/10/2018 11:14

How long has this been affecting your life for OP, when were you diagnosed. Two very close friends of mine have had very different fertility issues, one TTC about ten years ago, she went through IUI and other treatments, and was offered IVF but decided not to go ahead as she wasn't sure her mental health would cope , she suffers from GAD. Almost a decade later she is NC with her BIL and SIL , because she felt they didn't handle telling her they were expecting in the right way, honestly she never liked SIL but was very close to BIL , her DHs brother, it wouldn't have mattered how they told her, she is very angry that someone she disliked and doesn't think is a fit parent could have what she wanted, she has no children and now has no contact wth two lovely DNs and it has torn her husband's family apart, the brothers used to be best friends.

My other friend found out 18 months ago she has gone through menopause, she is 36, only in the last five years has she been with a lovely long term partner, something she didn't think would happen for her after a couple of shul relationships. He has a child from a previous marriage and she dotes on that child they have him all the time and she gets on brilliantly with his mum and has made a massive effort for this to happen. When I had to tell them I was pregnant the first gave me huge anxiety, I over thought how to tell her, planned each word, I was so desperate not to upset her and whilst she says she was fine and she's excited for us I can feel the distance. Friend two was amazing, she could not have been more supportive and is very much looking forward to playing an 'auntie' role.
I guess I've given you these examples, as they are both women who are unable to have children, they have handled it very differently and ultimately friend one has suffered for a long time and can't let go of it, it has affected what were good family relationships and definitely affects her on a regular basis. Friend two has coped amazingly and has a lot of wonderful people and children in her life. You can choose which route to take and I'm not saying route two is easy it isn't, but for your own well being don't get stuck on route one.
I think all of the suggestions of further therapy are spot on, you have a child rejoice in that rather than what might have been and seek help to move forward before your relationships are affected more than they have been.

Padparadscha · 10/10/2018 11:16

Worzilgummidge, no one is judging you! This is precisely what people mean when they say you are only aware of your own feelings. You can’t separate your personal negativity from the rest of your life, and if that’s blatantly obvious here it will also be (if not more so) to people around you in real life.

gamerchick · 10/10/2018 11:16

Because you might swing the other way. The scores of threads in here will grandmother's obsessed with their grandchildren would tell you that.

They aren't there to help with grief you need to sort this out first so you can enjoy being a grandmother without the risk of it being all consuming as it is now.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Ghanagirl · 10/10/2018 11:16

OP what if you never have a grandchild?
Or your DC waits till they’re 35?

SputnikBear · 10/10/2018 11:17

It sounds like you need professional help to deal with this. It’s ok to be sad that you didn’t have a second child but it really shouldn’t be consuming you and destroying you day in and day out. How awful for your 17yo to feel they aren’t enough for you.

Worzilgummidge · 10/10/2018 11:20

I was diagnosed at age 35 and still suffering 10 years later

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.