To not go to baby shower

[Worzilgummidge]

A long time ago I learnt I was going through early menopause whilst the.
It devastated me and I have never been able to move on despite counselling.
I can't bear anything pregnancy related or anything to do with babies. I do have a 17 year old and I know people will say think yourself lucky u have one and I do cherish him I really do but I feel bitter at not having been able to have 2nd dc.
A relative is due November and the family have arranged a baby shower and I have said I'm not going and my dm said I'm am not been fair on others and I need to get over it. She said I will make people feel awkward but I don't agree as I know I won't be given any thought because everybody will be wrapped up in my pregnant relative and enjoying the day. I told my dm I just can't be subjected to it. Aibu please go easy on me.

[Wherearemycarkeys]

Your mum is being vile. How dare she tell you how to feel? I don't think you need to go (I wouldn't go to a baby shower anyway,I think they're quite obnoxious and dull). But more importantly, you never NEED to put your feelings aside for anyone.

[Looking4wards]

YANBU to not to go. Send a card, and maybe even a gift if you want. In fact, I don't think you even need to give a reason, just say you can't make it.

But YABVVVU to not do anything about how you're feeling. So many people have told you that you need professional help. Why isn't it worth trying? Just sitting in front of a computer being angry isn't going to resolve your issues.

[Nanny0gg]

I do think you should go, and I think it’s selfish not to.

It's a baby shower. Why the hell is it selfish not to go? It's not that close a friend or relative. The mum-to-be will probably have loads of other people there and won't give it a second thought.

It's not a major birthday or wedding. It's an event that many people don't have or don't like.

It just would have been better if the OP had said she had a prior appointment though so no-one would have had the opportunity to have a go.

[Snog]

Also agree menopause can be an utter nightmare to navigate for many of us 💐

[Snog]

"Only I can conquer this"
That's kind of true but you need to reach out because you are not going to be able to do it alone. We do not have to solve our problems alone OP and often it is impossible to. Please get some professional support for yourself as you seem trapped in a cycle at the moment.

I think CBT could be a big help. Please Ignore the posters who have not been compassionate, and please be compassionate to yourself.

[Kittykat93]

Honestly? It's completely up to you whether you attend or not.

However, like other posters have said, you clearly need help in dealing with your issues.

Thinking that other people aren't suffering is ridiculous. We are all fighting our own battles. Some people cannot have any children and would think you very lucky!

[ItsAndTarts]

I don't think some posters here are considering how shitty and irrational menopause can make you feel without having any other issues such as infertility on top of it

[EthelHornsby]

How does your 17-year old feel about all this? Seems like you have spent 10 years of his life consumed with bitterness that you can’t have another child - he must feel like he’s not good enough for you, poor lad

[Wolfiefan]

But you’re not conquering it. You’re really not. CBT and other counselling can and does work. But it is work. You have to actively engage and try and change your mindset.
It’s not the job of a potential grandchild to help you heal. That’s not fair pressure.

[MatildaTheCat]

Obviously you don’t go to the shower, for people of my age they are an abomination anyway.

I’m in my early fiftand have known several women unable to have children at all or after one child. All were devastated in their own way. I noticed that it seemed to peak at around the age when conceiving would have anyway become more and more unlikely- roughly where you are now- and all of them seem to have made peace with it by now. Still regretful I’m sure but not in pain.

You seem extremely trapped in a repetitive cycle of negative thoughts and self loathing- I’m not a doctor but by golly you sound clinically depressed. Please, please seek help. I was suffering from a similar cycle of thoughts and had quite a bit of counselling plus EMDR which was quite astonishing- I just felt better.

Nobody here knows quite how to help you but do seek professional help. Stop asking your judgemental mother for her approval and take tiny steps each day to nurture yourself. You matter. Your happiness and well being matter.

Best wishes.

[RoboticMary]

I do think you should go, and I think it’s selfish not to.

Presumably if the roles were reversed you’d be pleased that someone had been able to put their own feelings to the side and acknowledge your good news and be happy for you?

[JodieWhittakersBraces]

I think it's fine not to go. If anything, your presence may make it even more awkward for the attendees if this is something you feel so strongly about.

[Feefeetrixabelle]

I think sending a gift and card is fine. It’s an invitation not a summons.

What’s not fine is how this is impacting you on a daily basis. I think you need to seek professional help. If one type of counselling didnt help, try another type. Help to loosen the hold these feelings have on you.

[Santaclarita]

On the topic title, no you don't need to go.

However, you do need help, even if you think you don't. You're not handling and certainly not going to conquer it. You've been trying for 10 years and it's probably just gotten worse in that time.

This is a normal feeling in women going through menopause. They sometimes wish they'd had more children and it can make them depressed. That's what's happened to you. If you don't get help, you're going to feel this way forever probably.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

OP Lovely, do you think there is a chance that you are suffering from depression ? It rather comes across that it may be a possibility, and therefore, help could be at hand.
Forget about the baby shower, they didn't exist in my baby days !
Just send a lovely card, and a small gift. Say something along the lines of, ' Looking forward to a catch up, but unfortunately won't be able to attend the baby shower, have fun ! Best love, Worzil x
I'm sorry that your Mother is such a cruel woman, don't discuss with her, any further. 🌺

[Padparadscha]

I think it’s really mean to bring up the OPs previous thread and castigate her on here for it. She obviously got a good kicking on that thread - why do some people feel the urge to do it again?

No one is kicking the op! The reason I brought that thread up, as I’ve said more than once, is because the op doesn’t seem to appreciate any advice given to her, or use it to move forward. Again, as before, she needs real help, more than the classic Mumsnet ‘handhold and armchair psychology’ that usually does the job.

[Snowymountainsalways]

yorkshireyummymummy I am so sorry to hear about your son, your post was so powerful and so full of compassion and strength. You brought a tear to my eye

[AnotherDayAnotherDollarRight]

It is fine to just send a present and your good wishes. I am sure people will understand. When I was expecting I had the same issue with a relative. She couldn't bear to be around me. I won't deny it was awkward, especially when she refused to speak to me or even look in my direction when we did meet, but I understood why.

[Snowymountainsalways]

Of course you do not need to go!!!!!

Ignore the horrible posts, and please listen to me.

It doesn't matter whether you have had a child or not, the fact that this news has had such a devastating impact on you is enough to decline the invite. Maybe you did not enjoy your first pregnancy/or was compromised in some way there could be a million reasons why you felt so desperate to have another baby. That is no one's business but yours.

Your feelings are valid, regardless of what your mother says or anyone else.

Decline and send a gift and leave it at that. There is no point upsetting yourself (and possibly the occasion) and there something quite abusive about other family members forcing you into it.

Tell your mother you have made the decision and refuse to engage in any further dialogue with her. If you are not already have counselling, I really must say I think you would find it incredibly helpful.

[Worzilgummidge]

Thank you for your kind words Yorkshire and I am sorry about your son

[yorkshireyummymummy]

I think it’s really mean to bring up the OPs previous thread and castigate her on here for it. She obviously got a good kicking on that thread - why do some people feel the urge to do it again?
She’s obviously suffering intently. Yes, isn’t it easy to criticise and tell her how lucky she is - but when you are depressed and fixated on something, unable to move forward you generally cannot see the wood for the trees.

OP - you sound very very despressed to me. Please go and see your GP and tell him how you feel. Your GP should be able to prescribe something to lift your mood. You need to keep going with the counselling but maybe try a new counsellor since your current one isn’t achieving much.
Get yourself out - don’t sit feeling sorry for yourself. Go early Christmas shopping with your DC. Look at booking a holiday for nextvyear . Get things booked into your diary that you enjoy doing that you can look forward to. If you start looking forwards a bit more you might not look back as much.
Spend time with your child. Let your mind accept that while you will never have that much wanted second child you have got one who will always need you. Don’t waste any more time mourning what never was when you could be in the here and now with your child .

When you start to feel better how about some voluntary work with children? Or fostering? There’s many ways in which you could help unfortunate children - this might be your path in life. Maybe you are going to be a huge positive influence on some ( as yet unknown) child - who knows where life will take us! Try to stop looking back. Look forward.

My mother lives her life by this “ what we cannot change we have to accept”. This is so true. We HAVE to accept certain things in life - the good and the bad. I had to accept my son was never coming back the day I buried him. I HAD to accept this. I learned to live with it by trying not to think about him constantly. I HAD to let him rest in peace in order to give myself 100% to my healthy, living, breathing , wonderful daughter. I would be doing her, my son and myself an 8njustice by doing anything else.

Now - have a good cry then go and wash your face. Look at yourself in the mirror and say that “NO MORE” will you give any more of yourself to being immersed in the past. Make an appointment at your GPs . Phone your child and arrange a shopping trip /lunch with them -say how much you love them.
Today is a beautiful day to let go of this emotional load which is dragging you down and stepping into the beautiful autumn sunshine.
Good luck.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

OP don’t go, send the gift, don’t feel bad.

[Worzilgummidge]

I'm not sure that the counselling does any good only I can conquer this

[QueSera]

You should not feel bad for needing to look after yourself and your emotional health. We all need self-care - this is something I only became aware of after experiencing my own devastating fertility struggles.
I'm sure it wouldn't be pleasant for anyone there if you attended and felt upset. As others have said, and you also, send a card and gift.

[Worzilgummidge]

I have a lovely partner