DD just started uni – I'm being pathetic....

[HildegardCrowe]

It’s only the two of us so the house feels really empty and it’s hit me much harder than I thought it would. Fortunately she seems very happy and has settled in well. We’re very close but before she left I let her get on with things and hardly checked in with her at all. Now however I’ve become obsessed with contact; so far we do either speak or text every day (she wants this and initiates a lot of contact) but the other day I texted her and didn’t get a reply until the next day. I hardly slept and was about to call her, when she texted back. If she hadn’t picked up when I called, I have no doubt that I would have started contacting her friends/the uni!

Am I being unreasonable to feel a sense of panic if she doesn’t respond to my messages within a few hours? (She always has her phone with her). What’s an appropriate way for me to handle this? How long would you wait before you really started to worry? I know this is my problem and not hers. I’m naturally anxious and now that’s she’s away from me, I find myself worrying a lot more than I did when she was at home. This issue is affecting my daily life (I wake up in the morning hoping that we have contact and catastrophising about the possibility that we won’t). I want to be be able to relax and just be happy for her that she’s made this big step and is doing so well

I feel for you.

I would think distraction for you would be the best remedy.

How often do you go out with friends? Out to book club? Supper club? Etc

Start concentrating on making new friends and trying new hobbies

This will also help with ensuring your dd that you are fine and getting on with your life whilst she’s away - she may also worry

It's early days. Remember it's at least 18 years since you had the house to yourselves, always washing extra clothes, cooking a larger meals. Give yourself time.

Say to her you need some contact every few days, even if it's a short text to say 'hi'. She's having the time of her life and it's great she's settled so well - thanks to your upbringing.

It may be good to find something to occupy your mind. Volunteering, a hobby or exercise.

It’s hard. You have to find things to fill your days. My youngest has just gone to Italy for a year and oddly it feels like a bigger deal than Exeter.

We still speak with our 26 year old and her boyfriend most days and my husband panics if we don’t hear. We speak/text the Italy one maybe every other day. Our son is less communicative unless he need support in some form. Not hearing from him is a good sign.

Arrange a weekend visit, pay for them to come back for a weekend, have fun making and sending Goody Boxes (did this for our son and two of his friends when they were deployed to Gulf). We’ve done one for Italy with fairy lights, English sweets, makeup, nail varnish etc.

In the nicest possible way, you do need to relax a bit. As she makes more friends and gets into different uni activities, she is inevitably going to have less time to contact you. It's the way it should be. She's an adult, taking her first steps into adult life and independent living.

Ask her to ping you a quick text every so often just to let you know she's ok, but try to wean yourself off expecting contact every single day. I know it's only a text, but she may start to resent it if it's a daily chore. If it's just the case of the occasional text in the week and maybe a longer catch up at the weekend, that should be ok. If there is a problem, chances are she'll be on the phone asap to ask for your help/ advice in any case, so low daily contact doesn't mean there's cause for concern.

In the meantime, try to build a life a new life for yourself with the extra time you have. Join clubs you're interested in, take up a new hobby etc, then you'll have less time to focus on worrying and more stuff to chat about when you do speak to each other.

Thank you ladies. DDD I know I do! (need to relax a bit). In a while I think I'd be very happy with a text every few days but she's initiating a lot of contact at the moment and has even apologised for bothering me...

Should I suggest that I leave the contact to her do you think? (and let her know that it's not because I don't want it but rather that I know she's busy....)

Oh dear this is going to be me in a few years, I think I’m going to set up a support group starting with a group holiday for all to toast theirs and own success of surviving and bringing up a child/ten on our own and now empty nesters.

If she's initiating contact, that's great! If it drops off a bit sometimes, I don't think there's any harm in the occasional 'How are you doing? 🙂' text from your side.

My daughter is pretty good at keeping in touch at uni, but I know when my son goes next year I'll be lucky to hear from him once in a blue moon, because that's how he is!

Are you on WhatsApp? If I can see that my daughter's been online I know she's okay.

Pretty soon you'll get into a routine, eg when she's at a lecture on her own she might want to chat walking home. Make the most of the daily texts but accept that when she's having a lot of fun she won't be in as much contact.

Are the people in her halls nice?

You know she's having the life you want her to have and you know that contact is going to be reduced and you do know that you're being a little bit unreasonable to expect more frequent contact, but not unreasonable at all (for now) to feel anxious when you don't hear from her. It's all about how you contain and manage your anxiety.

But don't just leave the contact to her. The great thing about texting and messaging is that you can send very brief notes when you see something or something pops into your head. I sent DS a link to an item on the BBC news website which I knew he'd find interesting, and also sent DD a link to an article in the Guardian. The response from them was brief - just a thumbs up or some quick comments, but enough and they know you're thinking about them without intruding too much into their new and exciting world.

Hollow she has made some lovely friends in her flat, so all good there.
Good point Hillarious, this is all about how I manage my anxiety. I'm certainly not asking for more contact, it's all about how I cope if I don't hear from her.

I would wait a week before I would start to worry at all.

Seriously. She'll be fine. And if she's not, she'll let you know. In the meantime, just assume that if she's not getting back to you it's because she's too busy having a brilliant time.

I wonder if smartphones actually make it harder to let go. 25-30 years ago phoning (from a payphone) once a week was the frequent end of normal contact with parents while at uni. I think if you're expecting daily contact it actually makes it harder to relax than less frequent contact.

That said telephones and messages work both ways and one person being expected to do all the work isn't balanced or healthy. As someone else said send her messages ehich she can answer with a thumbs up or with more contact depending whether shes busy sometimes - not clingy or needy ones but the sort of things you'd send a friend who lived further away.

Establishing an easy, relaxed adult relationship while still being her stable base if she ever needs that is the challenge I guess.

I think it's natural to feel like this especially if you have anxiety anyway. We have been used to knowing what they are doing most of the time and staying awake until they are safely in and now we have no control over it. My eldest son went to Uni 3 weeks ago and I am missing him. Today I rang him at 8am to make sure he was up for an important meeting he needed to get to and he has form for massively oversleeping. however most days we just text and he is having the time of his life, making new friends etc. I am lucky I guess in that I have three younger children at home to distract me it must be hard when it's your only child.

Thank you all for your wise words. blueskies I think you're right about smartphones. And I'll focus on achieiving "an easy, relaxed adult relationship while still being her stable base if she ever needs that"

Work in progress!

I would say tell your dd your fine with her not replying but if you don’t hear from her after 48 hours you’ll text again because you just want to know she’s ok.