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AIBU?

To ask if you're in a lustless marriage?

11 replies

ChangedName37 · 09/10/2018 17:37

Because I am.
I have been with DH 6 years, have DD 2. I love him and care about him, we don't argue, we are best friends, we have the same sense of humour, goals, aspirations hobbies. We are a great couple.
But I am categorically not attracted to him. It's really shit. The thought of losing him and splitting up our family scares the hell out of me. Can people sustain a lustless relationship? Is anyone in this position?

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MemoryOfSleep · 09/10/2018 17:40

That's a tough one. I guess it depends on your own priorities. Can you live with it as is? If you're both fine with it then all is well.

Were you ever attracted to him?

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Thatssomebadhatharry · 09/10/2018 17:41

Yes has it always been this way?

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mimibunz · 09/10/2018 17:43

Well, I am, but I hated my lustful years because I felt incredibly insecure. I’m also older, late 40s, and for me the lack of lust but the intellectual and emotional compatibility is the most amazing experience I’ve ever had in a relationship. I love and respect him, and I trust him.

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ChangedName37 · 09/10/2018 17:45

I think I was so attracted to him as a person that it was never an issue. I've never been all over him but have always had sex with him for him, which is very different to past relationships Ive had (although they were often with not-so-nice men and so I thought this felt different for that reason).
But it's got to the point now that I'm constantly rejecting his advances and I do feel awful for it. Yet the thought of ending things seems devastating too!

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SandysMam · 09/10/2018 17:47

Do you feel lustful towards anybody OP?

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AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 17:48

Is it something you think you could work on? Either couples therapy, some exploration of what you like etc? I think it is possible to ignite sexual desire in a relationship even if you don’t feel it naturally.

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babbscrabbs · 09/10/2018 17:50

Can you literally not bring yourself to have sex with him?

Can you imagine wanting / having sex with anyone?

Are you still BFing?

I've certainly had long periods of not wanting sex, but with anyone if that makes sense.

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ChangedName37 · 09/10/2018 17:53

SandysMam
Yes, I know that it's not simply a case of loss of libido. It is sadly directly in relation to DH.

AuntBeastie
I've booked in to speak to a relationship counsellor tomorrow evening. My worry would be that we could break up and I'd meet someone who pushed all the right buttons sexually, but who wasn't all the amazing things DH is. What a sad waste of time that would be for everyone involved.

Has anyone managed to ignite passion in an otherwise passionless relationship?

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Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2018 18:07

Are there specific things about him that turn you off?

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SandysMam · 09/10/2018 19:22

Reading between the lines OP, I would say you have feelings for someone else already which I’m guessing highlights the fact that you view your DH as less of a lover, more of a brother!! I think the counseller will be really good for you.

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laurG · 09/10/2018 21:51

In all honesty I’ve never been that physically attracted to my dh. We have a slow burning relationship. At first I wasn’t that attracted but I fell in love with him as a person and lust followed. There were a good few years where we were very sexual but its faded. I do t look at him and find him attractive. Like op I worry that one day I will meet someone I really desire physically and that I will discard a very strong relationship for lust. However, I do think lust can come from things other than a physical Attraction. WhAt I find is that its when we are strong as a couple that the lust /physical desire comes back. I think it’s to do with closeness. Weirdly we just had a baby a few moths ago and we are all over each other. The same thing when we bought our first house and other milestone moments. He is a wonderful man and I suppose I accept in a way that the compromise I make is physical attraction.

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