Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD - a friend

26 replies

TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 16:38

How do you deal with a friend who you like very much but who never seems very interested in you? A friend who tells you you are a “fantastic friend” but you’re not 100% sure you could say the same back? A friend who you’re not sure if they’re indirectly using you for your daily help every school day? A friend who you’ve convinced yourself thinks you’re a nuisance because they open up to you but when you do the same back, are quite aloof? A friend who you are fond of but probably doesn’t think of you the same?

I’m struggling with this friendship at the minute and I really don’t know which way to go so I guess I’m looking for advice really.

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 09/10/2018 16:43

I have a friend like this. Stop texting them see how long it takes them to phone/message you. Then decide how you feel.

Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 16:47

Probably never, unless she needed to vent Sad

OP posts:
Failingat40 · 09/10/2018 16:55

A friend who you’re not sure if they’re indirectly using you for your daily help every school day?

If you even have the slightest doubt about the authenticity of her friendship towards you and your providing free childcare then cut it now! Your gut is telling you you're being played!!

Read the CF friend thread all about how she's been used for 18 months free childcare whilst her dd snubbed her dd from her party.

Get rid.

Merryoldgoat · 09/10/2018 16:58

I also had a friend like this. I decided not to text and see what happens.

It will be 4 years this December since I last heard from her.

I found it very hard as I loved her but she just didn’t feel the same so I moved on.

HollowTalk · 09/10/2018 17:03

Are you tied into an agreement with the children?

Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:03

@Merryoldgoat

Your last sentence sums it up beautifully. Perhaps I’m expecting too much from her.

@Failingat40

It’s not childcare, it’s transportation. I have read the thread you mentioned though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:04

@HollowTalk

No, not tied in. I’m not paid.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/10/2018 17:06

No, but I mean is it a regular arrangement, such as taking her kids to school every day or taking them to Guides? Could you just text to say you couldn't do it any more?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 17:07

All you can do is test it.

Come up with a reason you can't do transport for a few days, and see what happens.
Don't instigate contact except to talk about something that's going on for you

But I think you already know deep down that this relationship isn't equal

Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:10

@HollowTalk

It’s a regular school drop off till child does a cycling course. No idea if I’m gonna be needed when that’s done. I’m not well informed really. If I cancelled it I think she’d worry as she knows child is safe with me (accident prone).

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 09/10/2018 17:11

I wouldn't test it. I'd just cut myself off and be done with them.

Relationships are occasionally imbalanced and unequal; friendships are no exception. But those times when you give more than you take are almost evened out at the times when life gets tough and those around you give you more than enough to sustain you through your hardship til life begins to rebalance and you come back to equal again. When one side is perpetually tipped in one direction that's not a relationship or a friendship, it's just a drain.

You can't be friends with a drain.

Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:16

How do you back away from a friendship though? I don’t like the idea of ghosting, but I’m getting fed up of being her go-to girl for venting when she’s upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:19

I text her this past weekend as I needed ‘someone’. The message was read 2hrs later and I never got a reply. I text her about an unrelated thing Monday and she said her kids had read the message and she’d only just seen it herself. Straight away I realised I shouldn’t have gone to her.

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 09/10/2018 17:22

If she's phoning you up when you're at home the old doorbell trick can be effective.

Ding dong, "oh sorry twatkins someone's at the door I've got to go byeeeeere!!"

And repeat every time she's going off on one. Or just don't answer calls, only texts. Then you can delay your reply by as long as you like and keep it as brief as you like.

Doing the school run for someone is still childcare as ultimately your responsible for that child while in your vehicle.

Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:31

You’re right @CallMeRachel I need to delay replies to texts. She knows I’m a quick replier and has on occasion text again to see if I’m ok when I’ve not responded.

Maybe I’m getting this all wrong. I don’t know.

OP posts:
babswindsor · 09/10/2018 17:35

My friend and I were at school together and grew up together and I really liked her. However, I did have feelings like you describe, OP. So I stopped texting. That would be around 15 years ago.

Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:40

@babswindsor

It’s not a good feeling is it.

OP posts:
wuckfits · 09/10/2018 17:40

Stop getting in touch with them.

RangeRider · 09/10/2018 17:43

I text her this past weekend as I needed ‘someone’. The message was read 2hrs later and I never got a reply.
That tells you everything. You're a friend when it's convenient for her. Not when you need one.Ease off slowly - take longer to reply, make excuses why you can't chat (cat's just thrown up on the floor, pan boiling over, online shop due any second - write them down in advance and laminate them & then check them off as you use them, you'll have great fun and get rid of her!)

babswindsor · 09/10/2018 17:43

No, Moment it is not a good feeling, but there is nothing that can be done. I have it in perspective now, but I am occasionally a little sad that someone who I shared so many formative times with is now out of my life, especially as my parents are now dead too. So now there's no one I talk to who remembers what I was like when I was a teen, for example.

Angrybird345 · 09/10/2018 17:50

Sorry but she’s using you. Stop helping get out.

Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:50

Thankyou for the good advice, I think best course of action is to start with reducing how quickly I reply to messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:53

@Angrybird345

I know. I’m trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMomentWhen · 09/10/2018 17:56

@babswindsor Flowers

OP posts:
babswindsor · 09/10/2018 17:59

aaww thank you Moment! I've never been given flowers before on MN! I'm no longer a flower virgin :)

Swipe left for the next trending thread