Am I being over sensitive?

[Mumof3g1rls]

Hi everyone, sorry for long post I don’t really have anyone to speak to without sounding like I’m been selfish.
So my little girl was born in may (premature baby) I have 2 girls already a 3 & 4 year old and they were in nursery. So baby 3 weeks my DH tore the arm tendon away from his bone. This has involved him being at home since June. Now that has meant I have had 3 kids, one who is a baby and my husband who I had to shower, feed, help put clothes on. He couldn’t do anything without help. His parents and brother who live down the road didn’t come to help me I did it all myself. They would ring every day and ask how is he, is he ok. All the extended family decided to come and see him as well making more work for me. No one gave a thought to how I was and I didn’t say anything.
In August just as the arm was ready to come out the brace he ruptured his Achilles’ tendon. So now both his arm and leg are in braces and again I’m doing everything, the school runs and sorting the kids out. Feeding, bathing and looking after him. On top of that my grandfather passed away so I was really sore on that and still grieving.
None of the family have come to help me, they all talk about how as a family they help each other and will go out their way and no other family is like this family, but I have yet to see it.
Last week I decided to cut my hair, it was too long and I decided 8 wanted something different. My fil came round this morning and decided to tell me off cuz I had done so. Now I am a grown woman who has done everything right by this family, and the telling off I got for cutting my hair?! Like I must be crazy right? It’s only hair, hair grows. I wasn’t disrectful back and didn’t say anything and just ok won’t happen again. But now I think my own sil would have told him where to go, she is the older daughter in law and I’m the youngest. So why didn’t I?! Am I being over sensitive or just fed up and getting to the end of my tether with it all 😔😔

You are not being over sensitive and I can completely understand why you would be fed up and at the end of your tether!

I wasn’t disrectful back and didn’t say anything and just ok won’t happen again

Personally I would have told him to fuck off. What has it got to do with him how you wear your hair? Why did you say it won't happen again?

I don't know, I guess i just couldn't be bothered to listen to him keep going off on one and then my husband coming back and saying why did u say that to dad. Just more agro, but no thinking about I shouldn't have said it. I just don't get what the big deal is, it's hair?
I haven't asked for anything from anyone and I did something for myself and fil just moans. I try and do everything I can to keep my life peaceful as far as keeping my girls so well behaved that he doesn't even need an excuse to tell them off. I'm still always the bad one and don't say anything. My bad point is I'm a people pleaser and always back fires on me

WTF? I would have told him my haircut was none of his business. It sounds like your husband and his family expect you to be a doormat and do their bidding why would your husband not support you when his dad was clearly being unreasonable.

Tell your DH you're exhausted having to look after him as well as the baby and other DC and suggest he stay with his parents for a week (or longer) to give you a break. Let them take the strain for a bit.

As for your FIL, you need to kick him in to touch too. How dare he dictate to you how you wear your hair! I wouldn't let my DH do that, let alone my FIL! I wouldn't advocate telling him to FO, in order to maintain good relations, but I'd certainly remind him you are a grown up and do not need to ask anyone's permission before getting your hair cut.

Why are you and DH not asking for help?

They may assume that you've got everything covered fine. You need to explain that you need some help. (I mean yes, in an ideal world they would've offered without you asking, but this hasn't happened).

And WTF has your hair got to do with anyone apart from you? Incredibly rude.

My husband doesn't say anything either, as he just never does. Fil is a very over bearing character and likes to always be right. He likes to remind everyone he is the boss, dh brpther and his wife always challenge everything but if we say anything then we get alot of hassle.
Father in law was clever he waited until husband was outside, and then stood in the doorway while I was feeding baby and said I didn't want to say anything in front of everyone. Just makes me feel even more shit. Can't do nothing right and when u want to make yourself feel better this family will put you back in place which innit used cuz my own dad isn't like that.

My bad point is I'm a people pleaser and always back fires on me

Stop this now. You deserve to be happy too and shouldn't be trying to please everyone else at your own cost.

You mention you'd have got aggro from your DH if you had spoken back to your FIL. Then ask him, how would he respond if one of your parents told him off like a naughty child if he cut his hair, or grew a beard, or shaved or whatever?

I used to be like this - always trying to please DH to try and keep the peace, even when he was being unreasonable. Then I realised what a bad example I was setting for my DDs so I decided it was time to change and show my girls they did not have to be doormats to the men in their lives. It's great that you're teaching your DDs to be well behaved (I wish more parents did) but make sure you're also teaching them to be equal partners in any relationship and not to put up with crap just for an easy life.

Thank you everyone, it's true I need to be more confident and say when I don't agree with something and not going to be told what to do. I don't want me girls to be in a situation where they trying to please people in their life and put their own life 2nd best to others.
Thank you ladies 😘

Tell your DH to ask his family for help now. If they don’t help, then feel free to stop being polite to them (entertaining them when they cone etc) or even opening the door.

Your FIL is an arse. If DH thinks it’s normal for his father to be impolite to his WIFE and MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, well DH can from now on manage his meals and bathing himself!

Seriously, stop being a people pleaser. You’re the one who ends tired and sad and you deserve better. Focus on yourself and the children.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. The other posters are absolutely right, you need to put yourself first for once and be in a position to stand up for yourself. That's the hard bit - actually getting to the point where you feel able to do so. It sounds as though you are massively busy with things going on and probably aren't in a position to be able to go and attend a free course on emotional strength, or resilience or stress management. I had a quick look online to see if there was anything available to do online, and there are a whole host of pages of information and guidance. Cardiff Uni has a page on stress management and there's a short YouTube video introducing the course - it's here (it appears to be free!): blogs.cardiff.ac.uk/staffwellbeing/2015/05/22/free-online-courses-becoming-a-resilient-person-the-science-of-stress-management-the-science-of-happiness/

It may be centred around the workplace, I'm not sure because I haven't registered, but it may give you the basis of some help to feel stronger to say 'no'. I think you have to register through edexel. If the links don't work, or the course is closed, literally have a Google for similar stuff.

Disclaimer - I don't have anything to do with the Uni!

HTH

Thank you will have a look at the link!
I am def going to start working on myself I think this family has drained enough from me.

I'm sorry what?! Your fil told you off for cutting your hair? How is it any of his business? What kind of strange thing is that for a fil to take an interest in!
These people sound a bit batshit to me. You need to tell them to help out with looking after your dh or stop coming round. Also shame on your dh for not sticking up for you, is he always that. Think I would be cutting contact with this lot.

How bizarre, your FIL thinks he can dictate what you do with your hair? Tell him you cut it because you don't have the time to deal with it, since you've been catering to his defective son these past few months, along with raising three babies and running the whole household.
Tell him you'll be shaving it next week.

btw - was your DH taking ciprofloxacin or levofloxacin by any chance?

Sorry for the loss of your Grandfather.

What did you FIL actually say?

Did he say something like you should have kept your original style and the new one didn’t suit?

Whatever it was, it’s a really weird crossing of boundaries.

Well I have just spoken to dh and he said deal with it what u want me to do, and my response was in glad you dad's away for a few weeks I need a break from him. He comes to our house lays down his power and leaves. He have no respect for boundaries but expects everyone else to have them. The response I got was deal with it what u going to do nothing, don't talk about my dad that way. Which has now resulted in me taking advice and saying do your own yourself.
@panchobarnes he wasn't taking anything as far as I'm aware. And thank you x
I am actually tempted to get one of those head masks things and actually make out that u have shaved my head? Maybe he'll lay off and realise hair grows!

Yanbu. But your family is. I'm also struggling to see why your DH couldn't shower by himself with one arm out of action? I'm with PP, get him to move in with your inlaws for a bit.

I'm really angry on your behalf OP. I wish I could tell your fil where to stick his opinions for you.

The hair thing is bizarre and totally out of order on FILs part.

It sounds rubbish that nobody offered any help when you needed it most. Must have been so tiring and stressful. If I'm honest you or DH should have asked them outright, hopefully it would have made them think twice.

You seem to be treated really badly and I don’t understand why you had to do all that for DH? Just one arm injured? He can even cook, not to mention shower etc.

About the hair, your DH is right in a way, what do you want him to do about it after the fact? Your DH needs to step up but you need to be able to stand up for yourself too. Fine if you don’t want a confrontation but to actually say it’ll never happen again? About a haircut?!!!

You must be so worn down and conditioned by this immensely disfunctional family. It’s almost unbelievable. Except I have been there, overbearing in laws, lazy DH etc so I know how you end up this way, always doing the work and somehow always apologising too. But you need to start putting yourself first. Fuck DH. If in laws kick off, make it his problem. Because otherwise your life will become unbearable.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have sat down with til and told him I didn't appreciate his comments made. I hashed out quite a lot with him. Thank you ladies for the confidence boost and made me realise I was not being sensitive. I have also told him he has to stop interfering in things that are not his business. Lucky my dh sat with me and supported me throughout and dad to get grip it's hair. Also said to stop making a mountain our of molehill. Thank you ladies xxx