AIBU re my dad & his partner

[Funkyslippers]

Bit of background: my dad has Parkinsons (diagnosed 5 yrs ago) but generally he is able to live day to day fairly normally. He doesn't drive but is still pretty active, goes for walks, goes on holiday etc. He has a very supportive partner who drives.

They live 1 hours drive from us and ever since his partner's kids had children 10 yrs ago, my DDs and I have been put on the back burner, I feel. We see them about 4 times a year and making any arrangement is so complicated. However they seem to see his partner's kids and their children more often and they live further away. He acts like he doesn't care if he sees us or not and is always putting off making any arrangements. His partner doesn't get involved at all. He's also very abrupt with me, ie. I arranged for us to stay the night this weekend but then realised I had to work and his reply was "that's ok, I wasn't looking forward to it anyway". I think this was his way of saying he was worried he wouldn't be well when we got there (not really any reason for our visit to make him ill other than he does get anxious from time to time). He also says I should make an effort to talk to his partner if she answers the phone when I ring but EVERY time she answers and realises it's me, she'll immediately say "here's your dad" and pass the phone straight to him so I have no chance to say anything to her. He is my Dd's only GP though she says she sees herself as a GP though she does absolutely nothing to show it except being very nice to them on the (rare) times we see them. I just feel sorry for my DDs who literally have no close family at all except me and OH. I feel like just backing off, obviously being there if he needs me but it just makes me upset when I try to arrange something and get nowhere

Anyone? Anyone at all??

You've answered your own question of course YANBU and it's his loss. Stop making the effort leave the miserable buggers to it.

I think backing off for a while might be the best thing to do.

It must be very hurtful to see him seem to favour his partner’s children etc and I think distancing yourself is protecting yourself in this instance. I would tell him why first, so he can’t just shrug it off.

That sounds very difficult. My children only have one remaining grandparent who thankfully is very involved but I would be very hurt if they weren’t. Have you tried to talk to him about it? Do you think it’s coming from him or his partner?

Parkinson's affects your personality as well as physically. We lost my grandma by degrees to Parkinson's. She went from being a lovely sunny person to being very negative . It's quite a depressing illness I think . I think you should try and hold on to the person that your dad once was ( unless he was always a grump!). I know it's hard especially as you've got no other Close family.

I think maybe talking to his partner would be a really good idea. Ask her how he's getting on and how she's getting on with him and try and show some concern for her.

If you can work out a plan with her and get her on side you could arrange to spend more time with him.

It sounds as if You're Expecting them to do all the driving to you. Although you did say that you arranged a visit. It's going to become more and more about you giving up your time to see them and making it easier on them as they are the ones that are going through this awful illness.

You are very lucky he has a partner and is not alone in it.

I don't know if you meant to come across this way but your post was all about your perspective and feeling hurt about the way your dad treats you. It's not easy and no one's a saint but trying to think about it a little more from your dad's perspective and your partner's perspective would be helpful.

It's not much wonder that she wants to spend time with her family she probably needs the support.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I hope these suggestions will help you see how you might try and get the best out of your dad's last years.

Thank you all. Yes I appreciate it's a horrible illness but I started to feel like this before he had it (10 years ago) but it's snowballed over the years. I have explained to them how I feel but nothing has changed. Generally my dad is ok day to day and only really affected by feelings of being very anxious which makes his stomach painful, which tends to happen when he's a bit stressed or overly tired. We tend to meet halfway for a meal but I've said many times I'm more than happy for us to come and see them as they don't exactly live far away but I feel I can't just turn up without arranging it first and it's just made so complicated, as if I expect them to roll out the red carpet when all I want is a cuppa!

I think you are right, Zen, I probably do need to talk to her but it's hard when I get the feeling she doesn't want to talk to me! I'm never sure why as we've always got on pretty well (they've been together 26 years)

I would guess that your Dad’s partner just assumes that you’d rather speak to him than her, not that she doesn’t actually want to speak to you.

Similarly i’d guess that they probably each take the role of organising to see their bio families - and it is quite likely that your Dad’s PD is affecting his personality and that’s why he’s reticent/anxious/grumpy about making arrangements with you - I know only one person with PD so I don’t want to generalise, but his partner says that the worst thing is that he doesn’t really engage with her any more and doesn’t want to do anything.

I’d definitely speak to his partner - next time she hands you over just tell your Dad you were actually hoping to have a chat with her and ask him to hand you back.

(Also it starting pre-diagnosis, doesn’t mean it wasn’t early symptoms.)

YANBU about your dad but his partner hasn't done anything wrong as far as I can tell. It's not her job to manage your relationship with him and it sounds like she's perfectly pleasant when you see her. She likely just makes more effort to see her own children and grandchildren

Well I disagree, Twatty. She says she sees herself as a GP but never even asks how they are when I ring. Literally the only contact she has with them is when we get together. But it's always been like that really. And my dad is going the same way.

But op she's your dad's partner! My dad's wife is lovely and my DD calls her gran but I don't expect her to be responsible for making sure I see my dad. It sounds like you're someone who thinks women should be managing the relationships in the family, much like MILS who blame DILS for the crap behaviour of their own son. She passes the phone straight to your dad when you call because he's your dad. Don't give him a pass on his behaviour to put the blame onto a woman who you're not even related to

I dont expect her to either, Twatty, but giving him a gentle nudge or just a phone call from time to time would be nice. I certainly did that with my OH's parents when they were alive (as well as he did). We're not married but I made effort to ensure we saw them as often as we could. I certainly don't think that women are the ones responsible. I just think that, as she sees herself as my DD's GP she should show it once in a while! I see her as part of the family, the fact that she's not married to my dad doesn't matter to me, they've been together for nearly 30 years.