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AIBU?

To ask DP to move in with me and the DC?

16 replies

SpinachOrKale · 08/10/2018 15:47

NC for this as contentious. Posting here for traffic.

STBXH pays mortgage, I pay all bills, he lives elsewhere. Not yet divorced. 2 DC (7 & 5). Gearing up for court, will probably lose former matrimonial home as a result of STBXH gambling addiction.

Have been with DP for just over a year. He rents locally.

What would be the implications of asking DP to move in under a lodger / tenancy agreement drawn up by my solicitor? Would this be tantamount to financial ruin (could STBXH refuse to pay mortgage?) given it may be another year before absolute?

DP and I wouldn't be able to afford bills and mortgage. We could, however, all move in to rented accommodation, but that just seems ridiculous as I have joint ownership of a house to live in.

Unsure as to how to proceed without putting children's roof over their heads in jeopardy. Anyone been in similar situation?

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SadieAB9 · 08/10/2018 15:56

Don't do it. It sounds like you'd make a messy situation even messier.

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SadieAB9 · 08/10/2018 15:57

Also yes your ex would almost definitely stop paying the mortgage and be within his rights too

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lexi727 · 08/10/2018 16:00

Don't do it until divorce goes through

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PinkHeart5914 · 08/10/2018 16:03

Honestly? It’s just making a mess even messier.

Think you also have to ask yourself if the boot was on the other foot would you pay the mortgage for your ex to live with a new woman? Cos I know I wouldn’t!

You’ve only been together a year and your not even divorced yet plus all sounds very messy so moving in together could wait a little longer really couldn’t it? Then you could start with a clean slate

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trulybadlydeeply · 08/10/2018 16:08

Although you would have tenancy agreement, surely there would be plenty of evidence that you are in actual fact a couple? You must spend time together, go out on dates, etc. I wouldn't think it would take much for your ex to prove that your DP is not a lodger, and then it's not going to look good in court, and I'm sure he could refuse to pay the mortgage, and i could understand that he wouldn't want to provide a home for your new DP.

If your DP wants you to move in together, then he needs to accept the responsibility that it brings. I would also worry about the impact on your DC, who are very young. They would have to adjust to having a step dad living with them, and also they are likely to have to be moving to a different home, as you state that you are likely to be selling the matrimonial home anyway. That's an awful lot of change for very young children.

Personally I'd wait for the year or so, once your financial situation is sorted, and then look at your options.

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CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/10/2018 16:10

DO NOT DO IT!

Completely finish the one relationship before you fully commit to the next.

[deleted cos it was probably unecessarily blunt]

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ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 08/10/2018 16:11

Don't do it. Whilst your partner's income isn't directly included when assessing your finances for the divorce settlement they would take it into account with regard to you having someone to split housing costs/bills etc with.

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SpinachOrKale · 08/10/2018 18:09

Smashing - thanks all. Really helpful responses - will await final settlement and absolute before proceeding any further.

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MakeAWhish · 08/10/2018 21:18

@SpinachOrKale are you in bad terms with ex? Is it not something you could run past him? I assume that 'paying the mortgage' is his child support to you, and in that case, he can't stop it if someone moves in. My partner lives with me and my children in the house I jointly own with ExH. He still pays me child maintenance (which covers the mortgage) and my partner helps with the bills. Works for us but we're all on good terms.

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MakeAWhish · 08/10/2018 21:19

Ah, hang on, if divorce/financial agreement not finalised then it's not a good idea. You will end up with less if you cohabit before it's all final, as they will take into account your partners income...

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Overgrownyard · 08/10/2018 21:20

Legalities aside..


You want to move your dp of ONE year in with your kids? Just stop and slow down.

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HollowTalk · 08/10/2018 21:23

If you were your ex, would you pay the mortgage for another guy to live with your ex and children?

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MakeAWhish · 08/10/2018 22:58

But if the 'paying of the mortgage' is child support, why would he stop it if a partner moved in? You need to get something written up which states how much he is paying in maintenance. Whether that money pays the mortgage or not is irrelevant, it's what he pays for his children, regardless of their mothers domestic set up.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2018 23:05

Hold your horses OP. It early days, no need to rush it. Your DP can’t move into a house your ex pays for.

The house is going to be sold anyway so wait for that and for your divorce to be finalised and you can then consider a joint home.

I wouldn’t want to live in another woman’s house, wouldn’t your DP rather live somewhere you’ve chosen together and can afford on what you both earn?

He must be paying rent somewhere now so if you combine that with what you can afford you should be able to find somewhere okay.

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Noqont · 08/10/2018 23:22

I wouldn't op. It's all too messy at the moment. Keep the joy of having dates and living apart until your life is more sorted. You don't need any more complications.

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SpinachOrKale · 09/10/2018 00:18

Thanks all for the responses. Very sound advice, all pretty much what I needed to hear. Horses will be held. Stable door will be bolted.

drums fingers Wink

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