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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... I already know I am but I guess I need to hear it....

51 replies

Dollygirl2008 · 08/10/2018 14:11

Christmas arrangements with the ex. 1 DD who is 9. We've been apart for the last three years and he has remarried with 3 step children.

I've always had her Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and then he's collected her Boxing Day. However, this year is his year so the idea is that he collects her Christmas Eve and then I go and fetch her Boxing Day. I'm really trying to appeal to his better nature and see if I can have her Christmas morning so that she can do all the Father Christmas stuff at home, but he's having none of it....

I'm sad. I know the right thing is to suck it up but I'm on my own and feeling a bit sorry for myself about the whole thing. I think I might see if I can collect her Christmas night.......

Tell me I'm being a selfish cow and to get a grip!

OP posts:
upsideup · 08/10/2018 14:14

What does dd want to do?

Notagainagainagain · 08/10/2018 14:15

You can always ask but if it’s a no you probably need to accept it with good grace and drop it.

Christmas can be hard. Can you focus on planning for a really special Boxing Day? And maybe make some plans for Christmas Day with family/friends if possible. Good for you & good for your dd so she knows mums ok.

MrsPear · 08/10/2018 14:15

I’m sorry but I hate this - why can’t you be grown ups and just have Christmas together?

Waitingonasmiley42 · 08/10/2018 14:19

The fair thing is for him to get a turn. Although at 9 she shouid have a say. It would be hard to get an honest answer from her because I doubt she will want to hurt either of you.

It’s rubbish and I can see why you’d be upset. Flowers

sproutsplease · 08/10/2018 14:19

If I was his current wife there is no way I would want his ex round for Xmas, I think that is taking being a grown up too far. OP I can see why you are sad but it does seem like it might be his turn. Try and plan nice things before Xmas eve and then afterwards.

PinkHeart5914 · 08/10/2018 14:20

So you’ve had her every Christmas since the split but your appealing to his better nature on what should be his Christmas with her? I’m sorry but that is very selfish, he is her father and why shouldn’t he great Christmas Day? You’ve had yours

Unfortunately you might not like it but it’s absolutely fair

Annechristmas · 08/10/2018 14:23

I think who gets Christmas day depends what the parenting is like the rest of the year. If he does his share then, if your dd wants to, then I think you're just going to let her go there. Sorry.

Storm4star · 08/10/2018 14:25

Christmas Day is December 25th. Ultimately that is what it is, just a date on the calendar. I would have your Christmas Day on 24th or 26th, what real difference will it make? When my DCs were still young I decided to start doing Christmas Dinner on Christmas eve as they were too excited (and stuffed full of chocolate!) to eat it on Christmas Day and it was nicer for me too to not have to spend the day cooking. They also used to get new PJs to wear for Santa's visit! So Christmas Eve was a really special day for them.

You're not being selfish but you can still do everything you would normally do but on a different day. Your DD also then gets two Christmas days which I'm sure she'd love!

Original poster
Dollygirl2008 · 08/10/2018 14:29

thanks for your replies.

Yes, I know you're all right - it IS his turn and I've been lucky enough to have her all the other years. And I know I should be grateful that he is interested, and does still want to be part of her life unlike lots of errant parents I imagine.

As for asking DD, well, she's a sensitive soul. She wants to stay with me, but would feel awful about upsetting her father so I don't want to put her in that position. I'm sure when she hits the teenage years, she'll have found her voice so I look forward to that!!

I'm going to have my sister and her family round plus my mum so it will be busy I guess.

As for suggesting that we all have Christmas together - sorry, but get a grip!!!!!!!! Not after what we've been through. We are amicable - I'd even go so far as saying friendly - but sitting across the table with his new wife and family is a ridiculous suggestion for a whole host of reasons.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/10/2018 15:08

Will his step children be there?

Would your daughter find CE & all of CD too much?

I realise that it is his turn, but it should also be about his daughter!

MimiSunshine · 08/10/2018 15:18

@diddl what is too much about some song Christmas with her father and step siblings?
Maybe if she’d never met them and was under 5 but the latter isn’t the case and doesn’t sound like the former is either.

People always say it’s about the child when really they mean is favouring usually the mother and not playing fair by each of the child’s parents and ensuring the child is fully involved in both of their families.

OP wave your daughter off with a big smile and tell her she’s going to have an amazing time.

OP do Christmas food and presents from you on Christmas Eve day then her favourite non-Christmas food when she comes home with some other your family presents to open.
Arrange with your ex a few times you can call DD on the day and It will be fine

MimiSunshine · 08/10/2018 15:19

*spendinh not some song

m00rfarm · 08/10/2018 15:38

So you are not on your own as you said on your original post? You have your family around, so you are totally NOT on your own!!

I think you are being totally unreasonable and very lucky to have had your own way for so long!

Original poster
Dollygirl2008 · 08/10/2018 15:51

yes @mimisunshine, you're right - that's exactly what I'm going to do.

On Boxing Day, my niece usually hires a village hall and all the family, and that of her other half, all turn up with leftover food and all the children with their new toys. It's utter chaos, but the fact that it's all in the village hall with lots of space is lovely. Everyone is invited so it stops the need for trying to get round everyone to visit. My DD will have a lovely day there, and then snuggles on the sofa Boxing Day night with her choice of TV!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/10/2018 15:53

It’s a tough situation but you need to suck it up.

Plan to do something extra nice when you have your celebration with her. It’s hard Flowers

Bluntness100 · 08/10/2018 15:58

Ah, let it go op, but make sure she thinks you're fine with it, don't give her the guilt of knowing you'll be sad or alone.

And as for the poster who suggested you spend Christmas with him, his new wife and the step kids, fucking hell. 🤣🤣🤣

diddl · 08/10/2018 15:59

"@diddl what is too much about some song Christmas with her father and step siblings?"

Maybe nothing-all I know is that Op has said that her daughter would rather be with her-so I was thinking maybe some compromise?

Singlenotsingle · 08/10/2018 16:02

If you live close enough it's a good idea to share Christmas day - one has the morning and the other has the afternoon. Probably too late for this year, but suggest it for 2019.

Wheresthel1ght · 08/10/2018 16:09

I have a post describing a similar situation but from the step mum angle. Dsc mum has had them almost every year for the 7 they have been apart. They have stayed here twice for Christmas morning but she has demanded their return by 10am Christmas morning. Last year kids announced they didn't want to be shunted about. She had them and this year is is our turn.

However I am fully expecting her to refuse point plank and demand they are with her.

Please do not ask him. You are thinking purely of yourself and that is selfish. How do you think he has felt for the last 3 years when she has been with you? Has he appealed to your better nature or has he just accepted the situation?

I mean this in the nicest possible way, suck it up and let her spend it with her dad. She deserves those memories with him too

Sethis · 08/10/2018 16:14

Maybe tell her you're going to have your own Mother/Daughter Xmas a couple of days before or a couple of days after. Do a little Xmas dinner that night - nothing OTT, but just a bit of seasonal stuff, and open presents to each other under the tree etc just like you would on Xmas day.

Then she goes off and does exactly the same thing with her Dad, and you can do something special and new just for yourself. There's loads of stuff on for the public around then - carol singing, markets, concerts and whatnot. As a complete and utter Atheist adult I still enjoy singing the Christmas Hymns when my mother drags me to Midnight Mass every couple of years or so. Go out and do something totally different for a change! You might make some new friends etc that you otherwise would never have met in a thousand years.

loubielou31 · 08/10/2018 16:18

You know that you have to let her have Christmas with her Dad, and she will have a fabulous time. My DH and his ExW have always done turns and turns. I suspect My DSS quite like the fact that they get two christmases and Santa had usually left things at Mummy's aswell for them to open when they got home. I love the Christmases when it is the 6 of us, (half sibling rather than Step siblings but I'm not sure it make much difference)

81Byerley · 08/10/2018 16:20

Have another Christmas day when she's back home...she will love it!

Ngaio2 · 08/10/2018 16:29

Thinking back to how fortunate I was (in retrospect) that exH was so very mean. (Insisted when we were together that I bought all DC gifts with my spending money ) because it meant he didn’t want to have DC for Christmas as would be too expensive .
Have your trad celebration before 25th. Then Boxing Day to look forward to.

SummerGems · 08/10/2018 16:32

yes you’re being selfish.

When me and my ex split we decided to split Christmas Day so DS was with one of us in the morning and then came back to the other at night. The time he spent with his dad we just moved Christmas to another time,and I didn’t even open my own presents until he arrived back home. We admittedly didn’t do turkey on the day we were going to because he was all turkey’d out,but ultimately it’s just a glorified roast anyway so really didn’t matter.

After his half sibling was born he opted not to spend Christmas with his dad any more as they always spend Christmas with eXH’s ILs, however he’s old enough to have made that choice for himself at the time, but even now if he decided he wanted to spend Christmas with his dad it would be up to him to make that decision not me.

Part of being a single parent does unfortunately involve splitting those kinds of experiences. It can be hard but no parent has greater rights over the other.

LongHotSummer24715 · 08/10/2018 16:33

My husbands son spends every Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his mother. She has no other children & we have our own family. I feel that she would be heartbroken without DSS on Christmas Day.
Instead we do another version of Christmas Day on Stephens day including the turkey & Santa gifts.

My husband hates his ex but even he says he couldn't leave her on her own. She doesn't speak to her family & has only one friend who has their own family.

You never know your ex might offer to share the day