When did your boyfriend start seeing you as a 'pair'?

[WhenDoesItHappen123]

AIBU to ask when did your boyfriend start seeing you both as a pair, rather than individuals?

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year and I still feel like from his perspective he sees 'his' life and 'my' life as two separate things.

To put examples, he is very vague about our future together if the topic ever gets brought up. He has never met my friends and he hasn't really expressed an interest in meeting them. When things are arranged with his friends, he won't ask if its a 'couple' thing or a 'boys' thing, so there have been a few occasions where he has turned up to a 'couples' dinner/night out and hasn't invited me. If I can't afford to do something, including if it is a 'couples' event, he will happily just go without me without a second thought. He often doesn't ring me back when he says he will. He can be very passive aggressive over text message if we have a falling out, for instance saying he will phone me back to talk about it and then won't. When I tell him about what a hard time I have had with something, he will say unsympathetic things like 'well you chose to go into that career' or 'you chose that lifestyle.'

I am painting a bad picture of him with the above, but there are also lots of great things about our relationship. We really enjoy each others company, we get on so well and have a lot in common, we almost never argue when we are together, he is very generous in other ways. We almost always split things 50/50, but there have been a number of occasions where he will treat me to dinner etc. He has said he sees us having a future together one day.

I guess what I am asking is, is this normal at the beginning of a relationship? I feel like a year down the line there should be a little more consideration towards my feelings and seeing us as a 'pair'. I don't currently feel like he is treating me as an equal and very much sees us as 'girlfriend over here' and 'boyfriend over there'.

He doesn't actually sound that nice OP. I don't think he sees you as a couple at all, unless it suits him

One year in isn't a beginning of a relationship. Me and my DH were married and pregnant just after a year together!!

He just doesn't sound that into you or like he's a very nice person.

I would say by now he should be seeing you as an ‘us’ Rather than a you and him.
He doesn’t sound very invested to be honest, i don’t mean to sound hurtful but it’s true. Isn’t bothered about meeting your friends, or you spending time with his. And he doesn’t sound very supportive either. And passive aggression is pathetic and shows a lack of maturity.
It sounds more like you’re his girlfriend when it suits him. The relationship is all on his terms.

Is that really what you want?

I think you need to talk to him about where it's going. If you want marriage or cohabiting at some point in the future then you need to ensure that he does too. It sounds like he may not but it could be that he's just not thought about it.

i would be considering a future without him OP.

Sorry, but he doesn't sound committed to you at all. Don't waste any more of your time as you clearly want a serious relationship and he won't be giving you that anytime soon.

I was with someone for over a year, and although we were classed as real 'bf and gf', he was more interested in going away with his friends, doing his own thing.. and he didn't want to think about saving for our own home, marriage etc. so i cut my losses and moved on. Am now with someone who constantly tells me he cannot wait to propose, get our own place, our own family and the like. i know i made the right choice.

If he isn't remotely interested in meeting your friends after a year, I would say that he does not think he is going to be with you long term.

Has he met your family and have you met his?

We have met one another's family, but only a couple of times. I invite him to my family events, but he doesn't regularly invite me to his family's events (although he has done once).

It's very mixed messages. One minute he will tell me he loves me and sees a future with me, then the next minute he will be out with his friends on a 'couples' night without me. There's been a few situations where he has purposefully gone to 'couples' events without me because I couldn't afford it/other circumstances. But also there have been occasions where he will go for a friends evening out, only to text me half way through saying actually its a 'couples' night and he didn't realise until he turned up there (because he didn't ask anyone!)

To add to my confusion, when I have made threads in the past about this (under a different username) people criticise me if I call him a partner, or tell me that we're not partners one year in. So I don't know exactly what is the 'norm' and what is not. With other boyfriends in the past I have always felt like we were very much involved with one another after a year.

He’s ‘very generous’ on occasions and ‘treats’ you to dinner?? Is that what you think is generous? You’ve clearly got low standards OP!

Oh, just ditch him.

Your time is worth more than this.

I'd move on, OP. If you're looking for commitment and a man who will make you a priority, a year is more than long enough to see that it's not the case in this relationship.

He doesn't sound capable of making you happy, OP. It doesn't seem like he is truly committed to the relationship. I'm sorry.

Sorry, but a year in, you still shouldn't have these worry's. From how you have described I think he might be stringing you along :(

But only you really know and can figure out the truth x

You maybe a back burner. Brace yourself.

No, that is what I was saying to one of my friends earlier. A year in, I shouldn't be having these thoughts and being upset. He doesn't seem to understand why I would be upset when I am not invited to these 'couple' events, he thinks I am being unreasonable for being upset because he didn't 'realise' it was a couples event prior to turning up. He doesn't understand the phone call situation either. He thinks that because he is busy it justifies not ringing me back when he has said he will and not even sending a courtesy text to boot.

After a year it should be very much 'us' I would say! Tbh I think DH and I were an 'us' after only a few months.

I am a bit puzzled, though, by the concept of going out, and it being either 'couples' night' or a 'boys' thing' -- doesn't he have any female friends, so he socialises in male-only environments where girlfriends are occasionally invited to certain specified occasions as sort of add-ons?

But I'd agree with pps, that your standards are pitably low, OP -- I mean that it in the nicest possible way. He's a poor communicator, and is unsympathetic, prefers to socialise without you, and the best you can say for him is that 'we hardly ever argue when we're together' and that while he usually splits expenses 50/50, he occasionally treats you? It's not exactly glowing, is it?

My now DH did pretty much immediately but then we really clicked and knew really early that we were in it for the long run. Not all couples work this quickly and are just as serious eventually, but (I'm really sorry to say this) it sounds like he's either not that serious about you or he's just an insensitive arse. Either way I'd be thinking about getting rid of him, if his behaviour is making you feel upset and you dont think you have a future together (or dont think he thinks you have a future together)

I see us having a future together. I have done lots of things that would show him I am serious (I don't want to be too specific for fear of outing myself). He says he wants a future together, but his actions would indicate otherwise. He does have a lot of great qualities, I haven't been too detailed as the main point of the question is about his not being a pair and as having separate lives. We have exchanged 'I love you'.

He was single for 8 years prior to meeting me, so I partly put his behaviour down to being alone for so long. For example, he is used to going to 'couple' events alone because he has been doing it for so long. He doesn't have girl friends, his friendship group is a group of ex-school friends. Girlfriends have been added on throughout the years. So sometimes it will be 'boys' only, often times girlfriends/wives will come too. He supposedly 'assumes' it is boys only and only realises partners are there when he turns up.