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AIBU?

To hate the phrase “lovebombing”?

15 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 08/10/2018 12:15

Just wanted to start by saying that I understand the concept in it’s true form, and can totally see the benefits. However...

It’s seems to be just a bit of a trendy explanation for spoiling your kids and letting them away with murder!

My niece (6) is a bit of a handful, to put it mildly. There don’t seem to be a lot of boundaries at home and she’s learned over the years that if she kicks up a fuss when told no, SIL gives in. To deal with the tantrums, SIL now just says yes!! This involves telling DN she can sleep over without asking me, letting her take toys my DCs are playing with and so I’m. Cue lots of Instagram posts about letting her little diva (her words) make choices and know her own mind, followed by #lovebombing.

Last week I was looking after DN. she drew on my walls. I told both her and my DD off at the time as it was unclear at first who the culprit was. I received a text from SIL later in asking me not to tell her daughter off again as she practices lovebombing Hmm

Social media posts filled with designer clothes and massive hauls from build a bear, always with a #lovebombing! The same for days out/swimming lessons/trips to Starbucks!

I’ve used SIL as an example but I see it a lot. AIBU to find it infuriating? Raising a spoiled and entitled little madam surely isn’t the aim of the game?

I feel better already getting that out of my system Grin

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speakout · 08/10/2018 12:19

Your explanation of lovebombing does not match my interpretation.

I use "lovebombing" sometimes, it usually lasts a day or so, and is a counterintuitive way of getting kids to behave.

Sometimes children misbehave because they feel left out or they need attention.
Lovebombing is an effective strategy of topping a child up and making them feel good about themselves so less need to misbehave.

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KurriKurri · 08/10/2018 12:26

I've never really understood what it meant, but a quikc read of this article suggests your SIL doesn;t understand either and is using it incorrectly - so it won't be working.

The article suggests that it used for a limited time zone during some one on one time for the child to allow them to feel in control. i can see how that might work with children with specific behavioural problems. But the key thing is that outwith that time zone normal boundaries and sacntions continue as normal.

So it isn't about allowing a child to do whatever they want whenever they want and never setting any behavioural boundaries - your SIL is setting her child up for a lot of unhappinessa nd trouble ahead, if the child beleives the whole world is run around her.

At school, at friends houses and in the outside world in general people will not tolerate bad behaviour, and the liitle girl will have no idea about consideration for others, self regulation and how to control her emotions and deal with every day disappointments etc. Poor little girl.

I would tell your SIL that in your house, children follow your rules and that you don't allow inconsiderate behaviour.

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MartaTam · 08/10/2018 12:28

Speak out - I like your definition of lovebombing but not sure thats what happens in most cases.

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Fatasfook · 08/10/2018 12:32

Love bombing has nothing to do with lavishing your child with material goods and everything to do with giving them your full attention, love, tolerance and time.

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firstevernamechange · 08/10/2018 12:36

Lovebombing means spending deliberate quality time with your child, praising positive behaviour and ignoring bad behaviour. If done right it's very effective, it's not an excuse for spoiling and slack parenting.

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speakout · 08/10/2018 12:38

Love bombing has nothing to do with lavishing your child with material goods and everything to do with giving them your full attention, love, tolerance and time.

Exactly.

Making a child feel loved and important, not that we don't do that anyway, but lovebombing is a very focussed and full on for a short time.

Always does the trick when my kids are cranky.

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shitholiday2018 · 08/10/2018 12:39

I use this term very differently. If my kids are having a tough time with friends, school or just growing up, I lovebomb them. This doesn’t mean spoiling them to me, though it may involve a treat sometimes, it’s a deliberate move to give them additional and obvious time, love, support and understanding to help them through that tough time. Doesn’t mean the rules slip, that’s never helpful.

I had thought my use was the ‘right’ use of the term. Could be wrong but as a parental tool I can tell you it works a treat. Things will always higbjacked by people who use them differently. Used as your friend, it’s not lovebombing, it’s permissive parenting under a different heading. And actually an unkindness to the child in the long run.

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HopefullyAnonymous · 08/10/2018 12:40

I do understand what lovebombing is supposed to be, that’s sort of my point! I’m just tired of seeing a lack of parenting explained away under the guise of some sort of child psychology! I accept that my frustration with SIL probably colours my view!

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KurriKurri · 08/10/2018 12:42

Sorry - I failed to provide a link to the article I mentioned

lovebombing

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Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2018 12:43

She is not lovebombing, but practising lazy parenting, very easy to say yes, harder to say no. She is going to raise one hell of a teen that she cannot handle and people hate to be around. I would not be looking after her anymore, and would limit my contact with them.

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Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2018 12:43

If she asks why, just say you do not practise her version of lovebombing at home.

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steppemum · 08/10/2018 12:44

your SIL really doesn't gte the concept of love bombing.

It is about giving a child a chunk of focused attention. Not focused shopping/toys/gifts.
It is about creating a space where they feel loved, so that they can deal with whatever is causing them to kick off.
It is about love.
Love has nothing at all to do with being spoilt
Love has nothing at all to do with gifts/toys/material goods.

Love has everything to do with safe boundaries.

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stellabird · 08/10/2018 12:44

My DD is an adult now, but I do remember "lovebombing " her as a child. She was a very prickly child who was difficult to connect with. When she was being extra problematic I would wrap my arms around her and give her lots of hugs ( even though she didn't want it ). I sort of forced my love onto her, until she would unfreeze and let the love in.

I didn't spoil her at all - I just "bombed her with love" to make sure she knew she was totally loved. The suggestion that lovebombing equals spoiling, is totally wrong.

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steppemum · 08/10/2018 12:46

every time she does #lovebombing, I would write back #permissive parenting/ #lazy parents / #spoilt kids

And if she says don't tell my dd off, then say, sorry, my house my rules. If you don't like it, then she doesn't visit. In our house a child who draws on the walls gets told off.

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Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 12:48

I 'love bomb' my children. I absolutely hate the term too, but I fully support the idea and it works.

It is as much time as you have spare (up to a couple of days) of pure one to one time with your child and only your child. You love them, listen to them and make time and space just for them. It is singularly the most wonderful thing you can do with your child. We often camp or spend a night in an old caravan. It is very good for the child esp one with issues of any kind or even if they haven't.

The feeling bonding and being close is great.

It does not involve any money or build a bears!!!!! Shock

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