To be fed up of my DM clinging to me and using me as her emmotional support?

[WillGymforPizza]

Just that really. It's driving me bonkers and I feel like I just want to run away and dissapear. Ive struggled with mental health problems since I was a child, mainly anxiety, and as a consequence I became almost hermit like as a teenager and then twenty something. Only leaving the house to go to work, and pushing friends away. Now looking back I see my DM's behaviour and parenting (or lack of) is the reason for this, but that's a whole other thread.

So DM would take me on holiday with her etc, because my DF hates doing stuff like that and always has. I became her companion almost because she doesn't really have any close friends and of course I was grateful, but this was always been on her terms. She has to be in control of every situation or she becomes moody and sulks. We had to go where she wanted, when she wanted and do what she wanted
otherwise I'd receive the silent treatment and that wasn't worth it.

I realised a while back that wasn't healthy and Ive been subtly making changes to put it right. I have hobbies, I get out and about, go to gym. DM hates this, I feel like she's only happy when I'm not. She continually puts me down, tries to tell what I should and shouldn't do, she has an opinion on every aspect of my life and feels she has a right to air them. She is becoming quite nasty with me actually, and I feel this is because she knows she's lost control of me and is trying to reign me back in.

I feel like I don't know who I am because she's never let me truely be the person I'm supposed to be. She hates me having a different opinion to her or disagreeing with her.Yet I find it so hard to break the ties altogether and I dont know why? And I also feel so guilty for feeling this way.

What can I do?

I was reading about enmeshed parenting the other day (as I have a friend a bit like this with her son).

Have a google, there are some support sites and ideas about how to manage this. I do feel for you! But I had a parent who was the opposite so cannot relate myself.

My DM's whole family is like this. They pride themselves on being this close extended family, boast about it in fact, but really all I see is a family who are overly involved in each other's lives and don't respect the boundaries of their own children. Its very toxic, lots of niggles under the surface but nothing every said openly. On the other hand my Dad's family get along fine, but don't feel the need to live in each other's pockets.

No clue what to do ...if you find out let me know as I have one of those mothers too.The resentment I feel grows more and more.I just think mine is a pathetic failure.Its the only way I get by with her.So needy yet so unreasonable.I feel for you.The fault is with her not you or me,Mine was spoilt as a child and remains so.I am cutting back from her slowly.I think everyone failed her really..no one ever said no to her and she feels entitled to her own way,,stomps and stamps being nasty with silent treatment if she doesnt get it.I tolerate her thats the best I can say...Best Wishes on finding a solution.

Yes, I see what you mean Sally. The more I detatch and pull away the more I see what my DM really is. A needy and deeply insecure woman, and yes a bit pathetic I suppose. She presents an outward image of being confident and strong and taking no nonsense from anyone, but that's not what she is at all. She's obsessed with what people think of her for example, where as I really don't give a shit anymore lol.

Mine always seems so happy when I have trouble or really down.

If something fabulous has happened or I’ve told of a lovely day out or something like that, she’ll say ‘oh well that’s nice’ and move on to talking about her. Doesn’t ask any questions or anything.

If something bad has happened you can hear the glee and goes on and on about how awful it is and how terrible it’ll be to have to cope with it. And will bring it up for months.

I’ve no idea how to fix it but I have distanced myself from her.

Snap! Exactly the same here for me and my siblings. It has slightly helped us cope by messaging each other when she does our heads in (we realised she is manipulative almost on a rotation out of the blue, irrational tantrums and mood swings). It’s so stressful and tiring walking on eggshells like that. My only advice would be look after yourself, ignore most of what comes out of their mouths as they aren’t trying to say anything constructive mainly trying to get a rise out of you. And don’t spend time with them unless you feel up to it. After overwhelming guilt I cancelled a visit and have not visited for a while and cut down phone calls. Hate having to do it but the only way I can preserve any shred of sanity.

Sounds suffocating

Sorry I don’t have any real advice but just wanted to say it’s such a positive step that you realise this a) isn’t normal and b) needs to change.

Sorry I couldn’t see how old you are but at least past 20s? You have the rest of your life ahead of you - do you really want to be dragged down by your mum for any longer?

It’s such an alien concept for me to get my head round - a parent only happy when their child isn’t

Can you physically move away and create space between you so her influence will be less? Sorry. Hope someone has some more useful advice

My DB has really pulled away. He spends more time with his in laws who are nice, normal non toxic people who see their kids as individuals and not extensions of themselves. You can actually have a laugh or a joke with them without one of them flying into a sulk. I bet that's a revelation to him.

My mother was/is like this. As i tried to pull away she became nasty and this escalated to the point that i walked away as I could not stand it any longer.
I am still discovering things about myself even now years later. I have no real suggestions on how to maintain a relationship with a parent like this but I have no regrets about walking away.

Yes. I'm finding more and more out about myself, things I should have learned as a teenager but I was so squashed down and under the thumb I wasn't able to. I wasn't allowed an opinion unless it was the same as hers, even now I'm scared of offending people when I air an opinion that's different to anyone else's.

She absolutely hit the roof during the last general election when I chose to vote Labour (don't judge me lol), and nailed my colours publicly to the mast on Facebook. She went on a long winded rant about how I had no idea what it was like to live under a labour government, forgetting they were in power for about ten years under Blair and Brown. It was pure seething anger because I dared to not tow the line.

She often goes on epic Facebook rants and is obsessed with Giving bad reviews. Taxi five minutes late? Huge rant on Facebook about how she'll never use that company again and a one star review. Meal not up to scratch? Same. Ditto hotels, shops, beauty salons. It's like her opinion is so important, far more so than anyone else's and I know she's upset and offended people because of that in the past.

Have a look at narcissistic personality disorder, it may help you make sense of your situation.

I was also enmeshed. In the end I went no contact after overhearing her complaining about what a burden I was. I felt such relief the day I left.

It takes time to learn who you are. Sort of like going through teenage years again without the hormones (though with anger in the beginning as I processed what had happened to me).

The simple answer is time. Day to day you learn to drop the TV shows you used to watch that you didn't actually like, that you can go to bed when you like, eat what you like, that you like certain colours or not, that it's ok to make a decision however small and whatever you decide is ok, you also look at what values are important to you too. Little by little you learn who you are.

Yes, I think she is enmeshed. Or I am enmeshed to her. The whole thing is awful. We have a neighbour who has a very unwell husband, and my DM harps on continually about how useless their kids are in that they dont help their mum enough. In DM's mind the mother should be the centre of their children's universe and should be at their beck and call all the time.

They do help btw, but they also have jobs and families of their own. It's a terrifying insight into what my DM will expect from us, or more so me, if god forbid she or my DF ever end up in poor health.

Oh my goodness I am afraid I have no advice but my mum is exactly the same. It is mortifying. I’m happily married but she continues to stalk my ex fiancé (who treated me terribly) on social media and give me updates despite repeatedly telling her I don’t care and have no interest in his life (she loves my husband so no idea why she does this). She likes to focus solely on the negative in any situation. When I moved back home after uni I came back from a 9 day holiday to welcome home banners in my bedroom. Very stifling. She also asked me if I had lost my virginity when I stayed around my first boyfriends house for the first time, I was mortified. I don’t go shopping with her anymore because she picks fault with shop staff and more than once I’ve had to drag her out and apologise to the poor person she’s moaning to. Equally if she’s in a good mood she just talks at shop staff, dog walkers etc and it’s awkward as I have to interrupt and make our excuses.

My mum is very proud of me, but overshares stuff including my pregnancy news and scans, and then about my dad and their personal life which is so inappropriate and awkward. She also booked the same hotel and flights as us once for a holiday without telling us first.

I think my mum has good intentions but she lives vicariously through me and it’s a bit much. I’m glad I no longer live in the same town and sometimes have to put boundaries in place. She has got better since I became a parent but I’m still learning now how inappropriate my upbringing was in many respects.

I have an elderly aunt like this. I've been NC/VLC since before it became a thing.

As a 19/20 year old I went on holiday with her and it was like being a 'companion/skivvy. She'd walk up to doors and wait for me to open them. I carried everything.

There was one day she wanted to buy some ornaments. The cashier wrapped them and put the bags on the counter. I didn't pick them so there followed a 'silent stand off' as she didn't reach to pick them up either. Eventually she picked up the bags, slung them towards me and said' can you carry these whilst I put my purse away'.

I was doing a college courses and I was telling her about it when she said ''that's enough'

Whilst clothes shopping and I picked an item out saying how I liked it. She looked it up and down and said it wouldn't suit her. I was shopping for myself but she thought the world revolved around her.

I could go on, but in essence, she wanted to keep me in my place for her benefit. The only option was to go NC and I've had 15 blissful years.

I think DM lives through us as well. She struggles to see us as seperate entities and is especially obsessed with DB telling everyone how wonderful he is, but he I think is irritated by her over bearing ways and only visits once a week for about half an hour. I think she sees all other women as competition, and that includes me. If I'm under her control then I'm not a threat, but if I'm independent then I am.

It's all so warped.

Can you get away?
University?
Anywhere, it sounds dreadful and I recognise my mums traits there.

Ive already been to university, but stayed at home and travelled. That was 100% a huge mistake I now realise, as I feel that was my best chance of getting away.