To even consider letting ds stay with me
6SpringCats · 08/10/2018 08:03
Background - I have serious MH issues (regularly suicidal, often in hospital) and SS don't like ds staying with me. He wants to come and live with me once he's 16 and then go to college here.
The 16+ provision at his dad's is woeful and I actually cant think of anything suitable. Plus it's rural with one bus an hour 8am til 6pm whereas here there is excellent public transport and facilities are on the doorstep. He loves that freedom.
But what worries me is how I can commit for the next three years when i struggle on a daily basis or what would happen if I go back to hospital (it's generally for no more than a week) or can't keep my job.
I also worry that he wants to stay to help keep me safe - he knows I am less likely to do something when he is here - but he has also had to call the police before to report me missing (when things get bad I disappear and walk until I am exhausted - sometimes it helps but it can take 2 - 3 days and I often eventually end up in hospital)
So do I say no and worry that there is nothing suitable for him at his dads or let him come to a great college which he likes and hope it works out?
Or am I just over thinking things?
Feefeetrixabelle · 08/10/2018 08:05
Does your local college have halls (some do now). Or a family home stay scheme. Do you have family nearby he can stay with.
It seems unfair on you both for you to live together.
HavelockVetinari · 08/10/2018 08:06
It doesn't sound like you can provide a suitable, supportive home environment for your DS - 16 is too young to become the carer of a person with such severe MH issues.
Potato2242 · 08/10/2018 08:07
Bad idea. Especially as you've admitted to potentially abandoning him to go on a walk for a few days without any warning leaving him alone and potentially terrified. No, let his dad deal with the education. You sort yourself out. It's not safe for him to be with you (I know that sounds bad but he doesn't need to walk in to your bedroom to see you've tried something as you said you feel regularly suicidal).
MrsStrowman · 08/10/2018 08:22
OP I've worked with young people in your DSs position, a lot of this will be about him wanting to take care of you, which is understandable, but not his role. It's too much for a child of that age emotionally and practically. If you were saying my MH is under control now and I can hold down a job and I'm on the right medication, it would be fine, but you're not you're taking about hospital stays which means you're still quite vulnerable too. Think about whether social care would be ok with the situation (whether they're involved or not) , the likely answer would be no. Would it be possible for him to live with dad but maybe stay with you one or two nights a week to make getting to college easier? Is there any way of him getting a little moped to make living rurally easier, my DB had one when he was doing his apprenticeship it was really useful.
MemoryOfSleep · 08/10/2018 08:23
To be honest, if he's driven enough, he'll do OK in his education anyway. Maybe he can get a tutor if the teachers aren't up to scratch?
6SpringCats · 08/10/2018 09:08
He'll be 16 next month hence why it's so uppermost in my mind.
I've spoken to his dad about it - he said "oh well he'll just have to go to x school " x school being the one h took him out of because he couldnt cope and was refusing to go and LEA were threatening to prosecute.
He's had enough mess up in his education that I'd like him to have a decent chance at A levels
I'll definitely look into some kind of family stay scheme which could cover times I'm not home
Just to confirm I would never do anything in the house when he is there so there is no risk of him finding that. He is quite happy on his own for a couple of days it is just if it's a bit longer. Currently if he is with me and something happens he just gets the train back but that's not so easy if he's at college.
We live 150 miles away so no chance of shared care.
Feefeetrixabelle · 08/10/2018 10:24
Well with home stay schemes he would stay as a lodger with a family and be able to visit you.
Beebopdooowopdo · 08/10/2018 10:33
There is a strong possibility that your mental health could put a lot of stress on him while he is studying, which would have a negative effect on his grades.
It doesn’t sound like you are in a place to look after him alone. Don’t forget you will also be under more stress if you have him too which could worsen your mental health.
Stompythedinosaur · 08/10/2018 10:36
I don't think it sounds like a good environment for him to stay tbh. I think he is too young and it would not be a stable enough home.
Gazelda · 08/10/2018 11:00
From what you say, him staying put and continuing his education locally sounds the best option for him. The college might not be ideal, but I imagine it is adequate and with a stable home life and encouragement from both his parents he could do himself proud.
I think him coming to live with you would put too much pressure on you both. I don't think it's fair for him to live in such an unstable environment.
Could he stay with you at weekends? He can take advantage of the local amenities, and you can enjoy spending time together.
I wish you strength and happiness
6SpringCats · 08/10/2018 11:30
Thanks all - a consensus in AIBU
Sounds like I need to
Redouble my efforts to find somewhere for him near his dad's and
Redouble my efforts to get control of my MH
Feefeetrixabelle · 08/10/2018 11:57
I don’t think your being unreasonable in a negative way if that makes sense?
I just think as you’ve said yourself your mh is something that your struggling with then it’s best to listen to those around you. SS have expressed a concern with regards to your son living with you. They have his best interests at heart and in the main they get it right.
I think your right to consider other colleges/options because clearly returning to where he was may not work for him- as a school refuser they might not take him back. And as a sixth former they would be under no obligation to do so.
Would moving closer to him help? Is that an option for you?
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