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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed with my brother and his girlfriend

51 replies

Purplerose99 · 07/10/2018 23:14

I'm having behaviour issues with my son at the moment. He swears, kicks, hits and spits at us. It's hard to deal with but I'm trying to sort that out with CAMHS. Today though my brother and his girlfriend were round and he swore at them. I told my son to stop but he didn't. My son then blurted out the dreaded C word Sad my brother took my son upstairs and put a little bit of soap in his mouth. Am I right to be annoyed that he done this! I dont believe in putting soap in a child's mouth! My mum done it to me and I swore I would never do that to my own children! My brother did this more then once and I felt awful for my son. I did try and stop it but my brother said he will never learn and made me feel like I had no control. Now I'm very upset and feel awful and sick that this happened. What do I say to my brother?

OP posts:
Elephant14 · 07/10/2018 23:53

There's often a long waiting list for CAMHS but as soon as the OP's son goes into school tomorrow and says what has been done to him, she'll be escalated to the top of someone's list pretty soon Hmm

AllAtHome · 07/10/2018 23:53

7 can be an awful, awful age and what you’re describing (while not good) is not uncommon. Keep plugging away at demonstrating the right behaviour.

Original poster
Purplerose99 · 07/10/2018 23:55

The first 2 times it was done my brother was upstairs with him because my brother was trying to calm him down. My brother is normally really good with my boys but this to me was awful. His girlfriend had no right to get involved either. For people who was wandering what I was doing at the time my brother was upstairs I was writing in a diary that the GP advised me to do so I could write down every time my son acted out. I stopped them by sitting in my sons room with my son close to me talking to him and he calmed down eventually. I've told my brother and my family members that when my son starts acting out they have to ignore him otherwise he's escalates. I feel like none of my family help the situation sometimes. My DS had epilepsy when he was 3 so we aren't sure if that has caused these behaviour issues. I don't need anyone to make me feel like a horrible parent because I already feel like one. I'm exhausted and emotionally drained

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 08/10/2018 00:00

Is your son on epilepsy medication? Some of the side effects can affect behaviour. Have you spoken about this with your neurologist?

Elephant14 · 08/10/2018 00:01

You need to go NC with your brother for the foreseeable future.

Tomorrow you need to ask the school receptionist for an appointment with their welfare officer. Get help with the CAMHS referral and ask for a family support worker in the meantime - sometimes they call them Early Help workers - if the school can't or wont do it get someone through the local authority.

If you can't stop someone hurting your child then you need help - you need to ask for support in this situation now.

IStandWithPosie · 08/10/2018 00:02

You said your brother took him upstairs and did it. So are you saying your brother took him upstairs “to calm him down” but actually just took him up to punish him without you knowing?

They’re a pair of sadistic fucks and they’d be out of my life immediately.

IStandWithPosie · 08/10/2018 00:03

Btw you need to report this to social services or NSPcc or someone because your son will tell someone and then questions will be asked about why you didn’t report it.

Original poster
Purplerose99 · 08/10/2018 00:14

I will be messaging my brother tomorrow to let him know that I'm going to talk to the school about this tomorrow. My brother isnt the only one who believes in the whole washing the mouth out with soap. Obviously he got that from my mum but my sons Dad also has said it too. I dont want people judging me because I try my best to do everything right by my children. I do feel like the school could be a bit more helpful to support us. I'm hoping CAHMS will get back to us soon. My son is no longer on medication or with the neurologist anymore. He did have behaviour issues when he was medicated. I'm also going to ask the teacher about this said child my son is playing with at school

OP posts:
Stillme1 · 08/10/2018 00:24

You said that your DM used to wash your mouth with soap if you swore. Likely she also did this to your brother too.
The question I wonder about is do you and your brother swear like troopers?

Rebecca36 · 08/10/2018 00:24

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Purplerose99 · 08/10/2018 00:40

Like I have said before my son has told me about a child he plays with at school who swears so he could have learned it from him. I'm not a prefect parent and yes I have sworn a few times there's no such thing as a prefect parent. My kids are loved and well looked after. Like I said there is obviously an undergoing issue hense why we have self referred to CAHMS. I will mention to the school about this incident with my brother and his girlfriend. I will also warn my brother that I'm going to be making the school aware of what has happened. Some people obviously still live in the stone ages and think that doing things like that is okay. I have told my whole family that I think the whole soap thing is abuse. Yes you could say that I was bullied by my own family heck I probably still am to this day but my children will always come first and this incident is the top of my list!

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 08/10/2018 00:48

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Elephant14 · 08/10/2018 09:57

OP - the issue is not that your son swore, you do understand that don't you? The school wont want to discuss another child swearing after they know what your brother did. I just feel you don't grasp the position you are all in now - you are going to "warn" your brother? Why?!

Piffle11 · 08/10/2018 10:13

Please don't let your DB and his GF anywhere near your son again. Yes your DS's behaviour needs addressing, but their reaction is shocking. I don't think this sounds as simple as DS picking up some bad habits: I think there is an underlying issue, and hopefully CAMHS will help in getting to the bottom of it.

longwayoff · 08/10/2018 10:16

Pyongyang. This is not an appropriate thread for grammar policing. Have some compassion and stop showing off.

IStandWithPosie · 08/10/2018 10:20

Pyongyang was quoting another poster and telling them to stop grammar policing.

longwayoff · 08/10/2018 10:46

Thank you posie, pyongyang, please accept my apologies.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2018 10:50

OP the first time you because aware your brother did it you should have asked him to leave the house.

It's that simple. Not necessarily easy but it is simple.

I'd also not leave them unsupervised together again.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/10/2018 10:50

That is abuse, and someone who hurt my child in that way would never see them or me again.

A 7 yo's bad behaviour is not an excuse to harm them. I would be so angry!

PeasAreGreat · 08/10/2018 10:55

no thats so wrong for your brother to do that! who does he bloody think he is???

no unsupervised contact for him now. I would find it hard not to say anything to him about this??

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 08/10/2018 11:12

Obviously your brother was in the wrong, but what dp you do to control his behaviour? What sanctions does he get when he misbehaves? I can see how he felt he had to take action if family events are constantly ruined by a Spitting, swearing and violent 7 year old who uses his sister as a punchbag.

mum11970 · 08/10/2018 11:20

What your brother did is awful but you could have put a stop to it after the first instance. Why did you not ask your brother to leave or at least remove your son from his presence?

FissionChips · 08/10/2018 11:28

Could your son have been abused by your brother and that is why he’s acting up?
Your brother seems quite at home being harsh to your child... .

flumpybear · 08/10/2018 11:41

That's dreadful ofvthem! They need to support you. I'm all for a bit of punishment for children who are very naughty on purpose but not for those with clear issues that need a different approach

Soap in anyone's mouth isn't acceptable

Original poster
Purplerose99 · 08/10/2018 17:05

For those of you basically trying to say I sat there and did nothing I did. I said I went upstairs and sent my brother downstairs. For people who also want to know I've tried to take my sons toys away, naughty step, missing out on treats etc. Nothing works. My brother did text me and appolgise but I did explain that I was upset and there was no need for it. My brother has not abused my son as he barely sees him. I'm in no way excusing my brother for what he did! Like another poster has said CAHMS waiting list is very long. If I knew why my son was acting like this then it would of been sorted already! It's very hard to cope with day in and day out with my sons behaviour and now my 5 Yr old is starting to copy him. I'm exhausted and trying to deal with this without any professional support is hard.

OP posts: