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Original poster

Why does my mother do this?

32 replies

elfin07 · 07/10/2018 18:29

Whenever I get upset about something or have a problem, my mother also gets upset and then my father asks me to apologise to her. Therefore ignoring my feelings completely.

Eg I broke up with my boyfriend. I was upset so my Mother cried and my dad made me say sorry because I was upsetting her.

My car broken down and I was on my way to visit my parents. When I eventually arrived my mother cried because I had ruined her evening. My dad made me apologise for upsetting her.

I don't tell them much for this reason but sometimes it's unavoidable eg a break up.

Why can't she separate my feelings from her own? And why am I not allowed to have feelings of my own? It's exhausting. Does anyone else's parents do this and is there a name for it?

OP posts:
WatsonCat · 07/10/2018 18:30

It's called Narcisissm. My parents are the same, I sympathise!

Rockandrolling · 07/10/2018 18:34

I sometimes feel like I'm getting this too!, and if I'm ever ill my Dm always has to be more ill.

SpoonBlender · 07/10/2018 18:34

Your father is a pandering idiot. Your mother is living vicariously through you. How tiring for you! I'd stop telling them things, tbh.

TubbyTubster · 07/10/2018 18:37

How does your father “make” you apologise?! You’re an adult presumably, you get to decide when and to whom you say sorry.

Thisreallyisafarce · 07/10/2018 18:38

Tell your dad you don't owe your mum an apology, so no, you will not be apologising.

Original poster
elfin07 · 07/10/2018 18:40

If I had upset her deliberately I would understand but I haven't and she has chosen to act in the way she does so I get sick of apologising!

OP posts:
LolaPickle · 07/10/2018 18:49

Stop apologising OP , as it is enabling

Your mother makes everything about her.

Not a suprise you barely tell them anything - and I would state that fact to her too.

Making you apologise to her for breaking up with your bf / your car breaking down?

Narcissistic tendancies

Just stop apologising. Tell them to fk off, nicely. Next time your Dad tells you to apolgise, ask him why he thinks you have done something wrong

Thehop · 07/10/2018 18:50

Just say “I’m not apologising I’ve done nothing wrong”

Spudina · 07/10/2018 18:54

Your mother is a narcissist. Your Dad is enabling her. Just stop apologising OP. You are a grown woman. Time to stop pandering to this bollocks. Good luck to you.

CanIGetARefund · 07/10/2018 18:58

My mother is similar in that she can only think about how things impact on her. There is an inability to see her offspring as separate individuals. There is very limited empathy. It's not really possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone with these limitations. You might like a book called The emotionally absent mother by Jasmine Cori. I found it enlightening.

Lynne1Cat · 07/10/2018 19:05

Does your mum cry to any bad news? She sounds rather weak. Your dad sounds odd too. Sorry. You shouldn't have to apologise for "upsetting" her with YOUR bad news.

Self-centred of her

HelloSnow · 07/10/2018 19:12

My mum is like this. Not crying as such, usually gets cross and then sometimes cries, but always turns everything round to make it about her.

When we meet she always goes on and on about what she's been up to. Rarely asks about us, then we do tell her stuff she forgets it and then a week or so later you have to remind her. I think it's getting worse and pretty rude actually.

I struggle to be around her and if it wasn't for my dad and son then I probably wouldn't spend much time with her. Which makes me sad to think that.

My dad doesn't help, he's very defensive of her (sounds like your dad). So I've given up trying to reason with either of them.

I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is but you're not alone in having this type of relationship.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/10/2018 19:13

It's hard not to be upset when your child is hurt (even if they are an adult with children of their own). It comes with the territory. And it's not necessarily being narcissistic or making it all about yourself - it only becomes that if you start blaming the child for having upset you or if you can't put your upset to one side, to be dealt with later when you've given your child what they need. It seems to me in this situation that it's your father you should be annoyed at.

Havaina · 07/10/2018 19:16

Do you ever refuse to apologise to her? Or will they punish you e,g. silent treatment?

Bestseller · 07/10/2018 19:20

I cried when my sister broke up with her partner because I was upset and worried for her and I'd be upset and worried if my daughter missed our plans because of a broken down car.

I don't think mum being upset in itself is weird but dad making you apologise is.

LagunaBubbles · 07/10/2018 19:20

I get sick of apologising!

So ask yourself why you keep on doing it, you're a grown adult, no-one can make you apologise.

PickledChutney · 07/10/2018 19:22

Tell her about herself and how ridiculous her behaviour is, and also tell your father what a pandering fool he is. Bottling up your feelings doesn’t help anyone, least of all you. Put it all out there and see what happens.

TheBananaStand2 · 07/10/2018 19:22

My parents are a but like this, too, when I’m having a hard time (e.g job difficulties, relationship difficulties, health), though in my mum’s case she gets massively anxious, rather than crying, and then I end up having to soothe her. I just stopped telling her anything that wasn’t positive about my life. That makes it really hard to speak to her when things aren’t going swimmingly, but she expects me to call her several times a week and gets the hump if I don’t. It’s so draining, and makes me feel bad. She, like a pp’s mum, also monologues endlessly about every detail of her life, doesn’t ask me about mine, and also forgets when I tell her about stuff so I have to repeat things all the time. Hmm. I never realised that before. It’s so annoying!

Original poster
elfin07 · 07/10/2018 19:26

Getting upset is fine but she's blaming me for upsetting her IYSWIM. There's a difference and it means they are unable to give me help.

Another example; my mother had a significant birthday and my dad suggested an expensive gift that she wanted, which I bought. The same month my fridge broke. I was at home and my dad asked if I had ordered a new one but I said no, was getting it on payday. My mum immediately started crying and accusing me of making her feel guilty. But I didn't make her feel guilty, she felt that herself but of course I then had to apologise.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 07/10/2018 19:29

She sounds incredibly self centred and probably gets away with it because your dad encourages it.
I think you need to start being firmer and refusing to apologise - perhaps saying something like ‘I don’t believe I need to apologise in this situation as I’m not at fault.’

Flutternotsoshy · 07/10/2018 19:30

I had this. For years, if something happened to me it was much worse for my mother.

Broke up with bf (was dumped) and he was suddenly "the son she'd never had"

Got depression, was told that me having depression made her feel.like a bad parent so I shouldn't mention it is it really upset her

Etc, etc

So as a result I now am low contact. I don't ignore her but I live a way away and only tell her about positive things. I also stopped apologising.

Ironically I'm not as depressed anymore.

mimibunz · 07/10/2018 19:35

She’s an emotional vampire, sucking the feelings out of everyone to sustain her own sense of balance and importance. My sister is like this, and so we are NC.

ThePhantomRaspberryBlowerOfOld · 07/10/2018 19:43

My mum is like this. Had a friend in a hospice with a terminally illness who was in her final stages and dying when I was visiting my DM over Christmas. DM had a real go at me for crying as I was 'ruining Christmas'. Is this narcissism? I'm starting to realise that DM may well have been narcisistic I think. She's an extremely childish and difficult woman.

Orlande · 07/10/2018 19:44

Have you tried saying 'oh don't be ridiculous, of course I can't apologise for my car breaking down/splitting up with my boyfriend!'

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 07/10/2018 19:47

Tell them nothing OP ..good times and bad,Try to find some lovely supportive friends and regardless of how you feel just tell the parents you are fine..be bland.If they cannot support you through the bad times they don't deserve to celebrate the triumphs either. Look up the grey rock theory...you might learn something from that on how best to handle them.Best Wishes

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