Can't cope with the stress of it all anymore

[crimson72]

Sorry in advance for the length of this post.

I'm feeling so burnt out and like I just can't cope with how busy things are anymore. I'm self-employed and although I enjoy what I do, I have been increasingly struggling with my workload over the past couple of years. I've been taking on lots of projects from clients due to fear of turning things down and losing business/money, and work approximately six full days a week just to keep up and earn a decent income (around £28-30k p/a). Our mortgage payments are £1390 p/m.

I haven't had a holiday for the past two years aside from a couple of long weekends away, and even those have revolved around work or visiting family - so there's been no time for just DH and me (we don't have DCs). Finding the time to have a holiday would be hard.

On top of the stressful workload, I'm massively struggling to keep on top of the housework and garden. I'm quite a stickler for cleanliness and find it very stressful that the house now looks like a tip - the kitchen is dirty, the laundry is piling up and the floors are covered in pet hair, dust and dirt. The garden is quite big and the flowerbeds are full of weeds.

I'm meant to be getting a much-needed new kitchen soon but just haven't had the time to look at any of the brochures and make a decision on what fixtures to go for - despite the kitchen company emailing to chase as they've booked the fitter to do the work next month. I'm quite an indecisive person so that doesn't help.

I barely keep in touch with friends anymore as I just don't have the time to message them or arrange things. I'm also not finding the time to take care of myself - I haven't been to the dentist/optician in about three years and don't bother shaving my legs very often as I just hide in trousers/tights.

My sex life with DH has been non-existent for the past couple of years, as although I do love him, still find him attractive and feel that I still look reasonably ok physically, I feel so stressed most of the time and am too busy with work/house stuff to put in any effort in the bedroom.

I'd say the only bit of "me time" I really get (when I'm not working, cooking, cleaning or doing admin) is browsing the internet for about 45 minutes to an hour each morning before getting out of bed.

Hiring a cleaner or gardener isn't a possibility unfortunately (we don't have a massive joint income). Taking on less work is another option, but when I think about doing that I just beat myself up thinking that if only I were more organised, got up earlier, cut out the time I spend browsing news sites and Mumsnet and so on, I would be able to manage it all. DH is also freelance so it's quite stressful thinking that there's no steady income to fall back on if the shit did hit the fan, so to speak.

AIBU or do I just need to get a grip and/or find a way around it - starting work at 7am instead of 9am each day for example? TIA.

If you are thinking about turning down work and the money loss that will entail, then maybe you can afford a cleaner. How about the next extra job you take on say “right well the money I make from this goes purely on making my life easier” so a cleaner for x amount of weeks, ironing lady, Gardener, or whatever.

I ask you this question kindly op- what pleasure are you getting out of life?

From what I see, you're working, cleaning, sleeping, bit of time on the internet and repeat. No wonder you feel fed up.

Self care is so important. When I feel like this I literally make time to do things I hate but know make me feel better ( like shave my legs- hate it! ) and don't feel guilty about taking time out for you.

I think a chat with your husband could be helpful, tell him how you feel and see if he can ease some of the burden.

You're working to live. You haven't got much of a sex life ( not critising as I haven't either ) and you are close to burning out.

Start tomorrow with a list of what you want to accomplish just for you. Start with the smallest little thing. The feeling when you start ticking them off is worth it I promise.

Good luck to you and please pick your kitchen soon, that will make you feel so much better when it's done :)

Hi @crimson72.

You have had useful advice from previous posters, but I didnt want to read and run as so many of the things you said in your OP resonated with me - working many hours each week in a really challenging job; not having time for DH or seeing friends; not having time for "life admin" or cleaning...all whilst getting increasingly stressed out and not enjoying life (the cleaning and not finding time to redo my kitchen was a big thing for me too!) and so I really feel for you.

By posting on here I think you have acknowledged that things need to change and I hope that they do improve for you. Please don't beat yourself up by thinking if you work longer hours at your job or in the home it is fixable, there needs to be recognition that something has to give - you have clearly been doing the best you can so far, but some tweaks might help you achieve a better balance and allow you to do more of what makes you happy (time for yourself, time with loved ones, a nice home - not more work!!)

I found this e-book really really useful, if you are able to get hold of it I think it might help you:
www.amazon.co.uk/Stress-proof-your-Brilliant-Ideas-ebook/dp/B004R9P9S8/ref=nodl_

(Oh-I see its available in paperback too). In brief it's written by a very busy self-employed person - some really good tips and strategies.

It sounds to me like being self employed doesn’t suit you. Get a job in the same field. Less hunting for clients. Sick pay. Pension. 5 weeks a year holiday. Solve that and you free up time, energy and money to address the rest.

You can get a cleaner every other week, then you only need to do a bit to keep on top of things.

You are only on just above the minimum wage for the hours that you work (60 a week?).

Are you charging enough? Upping your price may reduce clients slightly but retain the same income.

Are you running your business efficiently? I assume it isn't a professional service type business from the income? Could you diversify to up your income?

You must only be earning about £100 a day, so just over minimum wage per hour and probably the same or even less than working in a food service industry in London?

I think I’d consider going back into employment, then. I’m self employed but in professional services and a huge part of my decision was that I’m able to generate a good income working fewer hours than if I was employed by a firm.

There are lots of pluses to running your own business but - and sorry if this sounds harsh - but you don’t seem to be getting any of them.

Good luck.

Sounds like you should be putting your prices up. It's been a funny 10 years post-recession. Can you get price lists or pricing info from all of your competitors to benchmark what they are charging? Don't forget you will have risen in seniority if you haven't had a price rise for ages.

The other thing to think about is having a relationship with another freelancer where you pass over the work but still project manage it and retain a fee. Not sure if this will work in your field but I've seen it work in many others - you do the planning / design / client management or whatever and farm out the making / designing / report writing. Though this probably only works after you've raised your prices a bit.

Don't let the fear of no money that naturally comes with self employment ruin your life. You only get one and you need to fill it with things that you enjoy, plus work.

Your partner needs to majorly help with the cleaning if he works fewer hours. Can you get labour saving devices like a robot hoover?

I have only skimmed a few replies OP but I can see two possible solutions 1) put your prices up, if you loose a few clients and have less work that does not sound like such a bad thing and your income will be the same/increased. If increased you can get a cleaner.
2) Your part time OH either works longer hours to afford a cleaner/gardener or he starts pulling his weight.

I think I also feel a bit guilty spending money on something that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself

Except in your first post you clearly said you aren't doing it! People have multiple DCs, jobs, and manage to keep their house tolerably clean. Get someone in since you clearly can't do it to your own standards.

You probably charge less per hour than a cleaner in London?

Definitely try the organised mum method. You could cut the 45 minutes online in a morning and fit that in instead as that is how long it takes! Treat yourself to a professional deep clean first.

Can you charge more for the work you do? Tbh is sounds like your clients are taking the piss/you’re not charging enough for your services

And a cleaner is definitely not a waste of money! My mental health has improved considerably since getting one. I possibly did have time to clean/mop/scrub loos in the evening but why? I was knackered and actually wanted to spend time with the children/doing something that didn’t make me fucking miserable.

Your dh needs to do more!!

DH needs to do more. You should have equal amount of down time. So if you work 10 hours a day, and he works 5 hours a day, and there is 5 hours a day of house work to do, he needs to do those 5 hours once he's done his 5 hours of work. Simplest way to do it is that if one person is working (job or housework), the other one should be too.

As to the garden - sod it for a bit. The wildlife will thank you for the weeds, and you can always hack back at garden overgrowth months later.

If you aren't wanting to downsize (killing yourself for a huge mortgage seems soul destroying bte) why is your DH doing 10-4? Money wise he needs to do an equal work day IMO. I'd forget the whole kitchen refurb: it's money + more stress. Just do bits at a time like new worktops & tiles first, then 6months later new cupboard doors (leave unit carcass as is)then floor . To lessen stress re back up income get a mature student lodger or go on MondaytoFriday.Com for a professional who needs to be near work 5days a week. Only take jobs that are worth your while even if it's regular client(if it's not worth your while tell them why, they might offer more as better the devil you know).

Thanks for the great insights/advice - really appreciate it.

Downsizing or getting a lodger is 100% not an option for me - the stress of having a stranger in our small property (not to mention having to share our tiny bathroom with someone I don't know) would be way more stress than it's worth IMO!

This week I've started keeping a timesheet of everything I do to see if I can plan/allocate my time better and find out if there are any areas where I can be more efficient. If I have a better idea of how much time I need to spend on what, then at least I'll know whether taking on that extra project is going to mean working weekends or not and I can make an informed decision.

I'm also going to check out the Organised Mum method for cleaning. And the garden will just have to wait until Spring now I guess!

I think as you don't have DC is is a bit U when others are having to combine with children as well.

Orange - I did say up-thread that if someone in my position had DC then I honestly don't know how they would cope at all.

Just an idea OP from me.,,I cant function in chaos,be it my home or my garden or work,it just gets me down,You sound like you need some order in your own mind.So my suggestion is this...the savings you have for your kitchen project,,,put off the kitchen project til after Xmas if you can,,not only will you probably save money in the sales but use some of the savings you have to release some stress and pressure you are under,..Draw out of your savings say 1000.00.,and treat yourself to a fresh start,Book a deep clean for your house and hire a local gardener to do a weeks work on just tiding and de weeding your garden.You will then have time to focus on your work,The house will be shiny clean and the garden maintained,Look upon it as investing in yourself,You are using money you already have to invest in some peace of mind.Then you can work freely on your own work to replace the money.If the house and garden are getting you down it makes sense to me rather than battle on getting more and more worked up to tackle it,You are investing in your business but you also need to invest in you too.Make life easier for yourself I would.May I also suggest that your marriage needs investing in too.Go on bite the bullet and have an early night with Mr OP might do you the world of good!!! Take care and best wishes

Thanks so much Sally - wonderful advice and your post has really hit a nerve xx

You need to put prices up and make a budget but more than anything your husband needs to do more.

For context I work 9-6 five days a week DP works 8.30-6
For both, late nights are common 1-2 per week between us and a 7/7.30 finish 2-3 time’s between us.

We split the house hold stuff equally
Your husband works 10-4 it is not even full time is it???
He must be living the life of Riley on those hours.
Honestly, ask yourself why you are on the edge of a breakdown and exhausted when the man who is supposed to love and cherish you has 12.5-20 hours per week more leisure time than you and isn’t helping out???!?

I’ve now booked a deep-clean of our filthy old oven that we inherited when moving into the new place - it would take me at least two hours to do myself and I’d do a far worse job, so that’s something. I’m also starting the TOMM method but am at bootcamp stage and it’s very slow progress - I’m about halfway through room one (the kitchen) so far. Keeping a timesheet is also helping me figure out how much work I can take on without having to work ungodly hours to get it all done. The garden may just have to wait till spring...