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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that the bereavement midwife should have been in touch?

15 replies

lania · 07/10/2018 16:44

We recently lost our premature baby son when he was just under a week old. Obviously my partner and I have been completely grief stricken and I’ve been struggling to cope. I tried contacting some baby loss charities and being on forums but found it didn’t help and actually made me feel worse. This week, two months after losing our son, I was desperately trying to find help and came across some details for the bereavement midwife at the hospital. I emailed her and she got back to me a couple of days later saying she knew about us and our baby (she quoted his name and my partner’s name) and offered to come and visit me the following week. Am I being unreasonable to feel that she should have proactively contacted us rather than waiting for me to get in touch more than 8 weeks later? I have had two stillbirths in the past and in both those cases the bereavement midwife came to see us before we left the hospital and kept in contact with us after we had got home. I understand the NHS is stretched but a quick phone call would have been so appreciated. The hospital in question has made a number of errors with administration which have added to our stress including sending me letters telling me off for not turning up to growth scam appointments even though my baby had been born and died by the time the appointments were due to take place. I thought it was the role of the bereavement midwife to try to ensure this type of thing didn’t happen. I actually had to call the antenatal clinic to cancel my own appointments and tell them why I didn’t need them anymore.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 07/10/2018 16:49

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP Flowers

You are not being unreasonable - she should have contacted you before now and the admin errors are dreadful Sad Not what you need at such at difficult time.

Can you contact PALS to discuss what has happened? Or can someone start this off for you if you don't feel able?

Take care Flowers

lifecouldbeadream · 07/10/2018 18:06

I’m so sorry for your loss. No, you aren’t being unreasonable to think she should have contacted you, you need support and I’d like to think she would be well placed to provide it. I would approach Pals, and if you don’t feel you are up to it then ask someone to advocate for you.

I have experienced repeated early loss, so can understand to a degree how you must be feeling. Having had the errors to deal with must have added to the burden you are carrying, and yes, should absolutely have been dealt with by the hospital. Sending gentle hugs. I really hope support is more forthcoming. Flowers

HollowTalk · 07/10/2018 18:08

Oh wow what a terrible, terrible time you've had. I'm so sorry.

Flowers

I would have thought the whole point of a bereavement midwife was that they contact you and arrange to meet you and guide you towards people who can help. You shouldn't have to be fighting for this support.

SpoonBlender · 07/10/2018 18:10

Big hugs from here as well. What a hopeless shower they've been.

Charlie97 · 07/10/2018 18:12

I'm so sorry for your losses, I'm so sorry you've been let down. xxxx

SinkGirl · 07/10/2018 18:13

They absolutely should have been in touch and they need to be informed of how terribly this has all been handled. When you feel able please contact the head of midwives at your local hospital for a chat.

If by any chance you live in Dorset, please get in touch with me - it’s my job to report back to the maternity service on mums’ experiences of care and I would want to make this an urgent priority.

This shouldn’t have happened at all, it’s inexcusable.

Charlie97 · 07/10/2018 18:16

@lania I've commented above, but I wondered if you want to tell us about your son? What was his name? What colour hair did he have? Did he look like either you or DH? I understand if you don't want to, but I'd love to hear about him. xxxx

babbscrabbs · 07/10/2018 18:21

I'm so so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. And I'm sure this situation just compounds it.

I can see why you're angry and upset. You need support and someone in the system dealing with your situation - those letters must have felt awful to receive.

I would tell the person who visits you all this and how you feel tbh. I wonder if the service is a victim of NHS cuts if it's different to your previous experience. Even so a phone call would take much as you say yourself.

Really hope you get the support you need and deserve soon xx

lania · 07/10/2018 19:01

Thank you all so much for your kindness. I had started to wonder if I was being overly sensitive due to my grief. Good suggestions about getting in touch with PALS / head of midwives. I'd really hope it wouldn't happen to someone else in my situation.

SinkGirl I'm not in Dorset but am grateful to you for sharing your expertise, I will definitely follow it up.

@Charlie97 thank you so much for asking about my baby. Most people are afraid to ask but it is so nice to have acknowledgement that he existed. He was utterly perfect - tiny - but perfect. He definitely looked more like his dad - especially when he was sleeping. Actually I often watch my partner when he sleeps because it is a bit like looking at him. He did have my dark hair and nose though :)

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 07/10/2018 19:05

Oh how lovely that he looked like one of you and that you can see him in your partner, but still had parts of you, is your partner dark, or are you dark? Would you like to share his name?

He is yours and you are his for evermore. Xxxxx

Charlie97 · 07/10/2018 19:08

Sorry realised he had your hair.... so lovely a mix of mummy and daddy xx

Gigis · 07/10/2018 19:09

You aren't being over sensitive, you have been horribly let down at a dreadful time. Your son sounds wonderful and your love for him shines through. I hope you and your partner can find some peace soon Flowers

goodlordwhathappened · 07/10/2018 19:13

I'm sure he was absolutely perfect :-) I hope you get some help with dealing with everything.
Don't have much to say but just wanted to let you know that you are well within your rights to complain to PALS, you could even do it further down the line if you don't feel up to it right now :-)

Big hugs OP

Xxx

Mumberjack · 07/10/2018 20:03

I’m so sorry for your losses Flowers
Agree that the midwife should have been in touch way before now and proactively, rather than you having to chase.

Having said that in my local area we finally got a bereavement midwife after many years of lobbying and the demands on her time have been ridiculous. It’s like the local trust wants her to be all things to all people and she has spent far too much of her time pandering to the existing staff and ‘their ways of doing things’. It makes me sad to know that bereaved parents are suffering even more because of internal politics.

crispysausagerolls · 07/10/2018 23:14

Just wanted to say that it sounds like your little boy was beautiful and was so, so loved xx

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