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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to tell everyone to f*** off?

15 replies

Abilouise · 07/10/2018 15:40

By everyone, I mean mine and DH's families. Im 22 and DH is 26 and DD is 13 months old. We've decided to expand our little family because we don't want too big of an age gap between DD and future child but also because we're financially and emotionally ready for a second baby. My mum is dying for us to have a baby, so the rant isn't aimed at her. My dad, DMIL, DSMIL, DFIL all have lectured us over our decision to have another child. After DD was born they recommend conceptions for us to use and although we thought it was odd we took it as them just trying to help make sure there was no unwanted pregnancies for me and DH. Now were pretty sure it's because they do not want us to have another child! They seem to think we aren't financially stable and we wouldn't cope as parents of two. DMIL says numerous times how surprised she is of how well were doing with DD, she expected us to be exhausted, irritable zombies or something. We are hurt about the amount of suprise our families have that were capable parents of DD and we have no idea why they even thought we'd fail at parenthood (not saying we're the perfect parents but nobody just assumes you're gonna be a crap parent without reason to believe so). We have confronted family members on their beliefs and they just said it's because of our working hours, my age, DH's inexperience of children (he has no siblings and no younger relatives he knows).

DSMIL seems to be the worst one for trying to control our lives. She has lied about us to DFIL (who will believe her every time) and often lectures us like we're 10 year olds. She once lectured us on spending £16 on a toy for DD and said we should be saving our money so we can have spare money (even though we have plenty of spare money already).

How do I get them to stop being so controlling?

OP posts:
LongSummerDays · 07/10/2018 15:42

Stop telling them your plans! If they don't know they can't nag you.

Budgieinaberet · 07/10/2018 15:42

YANBU tell them to fuck off.

Nightwatch999 · 07/10/2018 15:42

Why are you even on here ranting? What you do is your business and no one else's. I think siblings growing up close together is lovely, but hard work.

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2018 15:43

Stop talking to them about things that are none of their business. Why on earth did you tell them you are trying for a second?

GreenTulips · 07/10/2018 15:49

personally I think they do this because they can!

You are allowing them to treat you this way and with most bullying by just accepting their -unwanted advice you are allowing them to keep going

You need to tell them to back off in a nice way

Try the repeat it back method

'You think we need condoms?
'You think we can't treat our daughter?
'You think we would be exhasted?'

They aren't expecting to justify their comments and this pushes it back on them to explain which becomes uncomfortable
They stop doing after a while

BunsOfAnarchy · 07/10/2018 16:09

Stop telling everyone your plans. Simple.

lovetherisingsun · 07/10/2018 16:09

My DH and I have long learned to stop telling our respective families our plans. I'd wholly recommend you doing the same.

Gemini69 · 07/10/2018 16:09

Stop telling these people your life plans... you don't want or need their approval so why tell them ?

and it's NONE of their business Flowers

Topseyt · 07/10/2018 16:18

Why are you telling them your plans? Don't. Just present a done deal when the time comes.

Laiste · 07/10/2018 16:20

OP i learned the hard way to hold information back from DM because she always finds a way to piss on my chips!

You can either be brave and tell them to stop treating you both like children or else you'll have to put some distance between you, or keep them at arms length all the time and learn to ignore the lectures.

They won't change easily. I'd put good money on that. My DM still thinks she knows best and is entitled to say so even though i've lived a far fuller life and done miles more than she ever has.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 07/10/2018 16:24

Everyone is way too invested in your relationship...my advice would be the same as the other posters...stop living in each others pockets..its really not healthy,but they are only commenting on what they know,If you give them running commentary of your decisions through life its then open to comment/advice from them.

explodingkitten · 07/10/2018 16:50

Don't ever ask them for anything (so they can't say I told you that you tcan't cope) and don't tell them your plans.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 07/10/2018 17:40

If you reply heavily on them for childcare or financially then I think they would be justified in commenting on your plans to expand your family.

If not, tell them to bugger off. As others have said - none of their business.

Abilouise · 07/10/2018 19:30

Thanks for everyone's replies. I know I need to stop disclosing plans with family but with not very many friends I only really have DH to talk to so it's nice to talk to people other than DH (not that I don't love talking to him).

I don't rely on any of them for anything. Were financially stable (30k a year) so I never need to borrow money. The only time they have DD is when they ask or I offer and not because I need someone to have her. I live in a spacious flat with 2 double bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a living room, a kitchen and separate dining room and a back garden so it's not as if they're concerned on space either.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2018 19:39

with not very many friends I only really have DH to talk to so it's nice to talk to people other than DH

I'd prioritise making some friends: just because life is easier that way and you sound like you may get progressively more lonely.

Otherwise, if you're confident that you're ready and financially secure, go for it (either telling your newfound friends or finding somewhere online to chat, not telling them!)

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