To worry that I’ll hate being a (single) parent?

[ClassicIntrovert]

I have never doubted for a second that I wanted children – it’s the only thing in my life that I’ve always been 100% sure of. However now I’m at the point in my life where it’s actually a possibility, I’m beginning to worry that it’s terrible idea.

The main reason is that I’m a classic introvert. I’m not antisocial and have friends but I prefer 121 or small groups. After a couple of hours socializing, I feel the urge to be on my own again. I hate big brainstorming sessions at work – I prefer to think alone, in my own headspace, then discuss later.

My favourite thing is having a weekend morning with no plans - getting up when I wake up, feeling the quietness of the house, going upstairs in my PJs, reading the paper with a coffee and some marmalade toast…

Sometimes my friend comes to stay with her 2 kids, they are lovely but exhausting and by Sunday lunch time I’m counting down the minutes until they leave. And hearing the silence again is bliss. I adore my niece and nephew too but the same applies.

People tell me that I will feel differently about my own kids and I hope that’s true but I do worry that when I feel that urge to just be on my own, I just won’t be able to escape, ever (well, until they go to school).

I’d love to hear some honest opinions from others who are like me and like their own space. Is it hard with your own kids and if so how do you deal with it? Or am I worrying about nothing?

I’m single so I’d be doing it on my own (lots of support from several family members, all nearby, but not the same as having a partner to share the day to day stuff with)

At the baby stage at least, a baby is a 24*7 activity, and that's with a partner. If you're thinking about your lie-ins and quiet time, then I think there's a very high chance that parenthood is not for you. Have you thought about getting a pet instead?

I'm like you and tbh it is a struggle sometimes. Without my partner to take them regularly I would find it incredibly difficult. Just little things like being able to cook in peace while he plays with them. Unless the people there to support you will be able to regularly take the child to give you a break I'd think twice. Even with a partner I often feel stressed and trapped. I adore them though and there are many, many positives.

Introverts make great parents, I promise. There will be things about it that you find hard, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

I dont like kids apart from my own. Im a very lone parent and whilst it isnt always easy I wouldnt change it so it can be that bad

Im also very introverted. The one thing I found a must though is my strict thing is bed times. I dont do messing around as I need those few hours in an evening.

Once you have a baby your beloved quiet mornings with the papers, coffee and toast will be dismantled with a sledge hammer. Even more so if you're going it solo. It is to varying degrees true that you feel differently about your children than you do those of others. But it's a pretty huge gamble to take on the off chance it doesn't turn out to be a bed of roses.

If having children has always been the one constant goal in your life then get cracking. But be under no illusions about it.

Yeah kiss good bye to any sort of quiet time or time alone, especially when they are toddlers!
Being a parent is a full on, non stop, 24/7 job with zero breaks.
I'm married and find it exhausting, hats off to all the single parents, they deserve a medal.

There's no getting around it, your quiet time will vanish for a while. A long while. You'll find there is a lot to make up for it, but those moments to recharge yourself in solitude are totally wiped out in the early days.

BUT, the baby and toddler days are not the whole story of parenting. You find a way to cope with the initial chaos, whether it's exploiting relatives who will help out or arranging some childcare to give you a morning off once a week. Then you embrace the madness and emerge on the other side, three or four years later, with a wonderful new person in your life.

I'd say yes, it absolutely is different with your own children. I'm autistic and struggle when I can't have my own quiet space, but I'm also a SAHM with no formal childcare...so I haven't made it easy for myself! I think the key to your question is that you'd be doing it solo...personally I would never have been able to embark on this alone, and my DH is truly fabulous (he's currently out pounding the pavement with our nap-refusenik toddler, while I sit in bed, fannying around on MN and, crucially, not getting in an absolute state because she wouldn't nap for me). I also have family close by, which really helps. To be honest, without the occasional break I'd be overwrought, possibly ill, and not a great mama. Best of luck whatever you choose to do.

I have a 3 and 2 year old and ever since youngest was about 9 months I have fairly reliably had 7-10pm free to chill out

Yup, I'm under no illusion that marmalade mornings will continue if I have a child! Seeing pretty much everyone I know have kids over the last decade has opened my eyes to the full-on-ness of it all, whereas a decade ago I was in full on rose-tinted glasses territory and would have been in for a rude awakening (literally).

So I guess the question is really about how people feel about it when it happens, and how they cope.

Fellow introvert here that also has fragile mental health. Hate being round people but being alone triggers depression so have to force myself out into the world. Have a good routine of out in morning for activity or baby group/activity meet a friend ect then back home to sweet lovely quiet solace. I live for those 2-3hour naps, use that time to read, face mask or clean. Now back at nursery I get a bit of free time between drop off and pick up. Get to the gym, food shop or just sit in a coffee shop, child free it's absolutely bliss. Will you have much help? My family are near by and having some support can make the world of difference, especially in the early days

I’m very introvert and have 3 children! to be honest I think I would struggle on my own. Even when they’re at school it is hard work, my 5 year old talks non stop and expects a reply every time. It’s tough! But yes many positives otherwise I wouldn’t have kept going . I wouldn’t completely kiss goodbye to marmalade mornings - mine are 5, 3 and 6 weeks. I manage to sit and have a cup of tea and bowl of cereal quietly every day - even when DH has already left for work, I’ve always been quiet in the mornings so the children know what to expect.

Moominfan and Pleasedontdrawonyoursister
Thanks, that gives me hope! I'm certainly not planning on having 3! Probably 1, maybe 2 depending on how it goes.

My sister did actually say she got more time to herself than she expected (she is an introvert too and was worried about the same stuff - however she is married and her daughter is a very good sleeper (tries to climb into her cot when she's ready for a nap).