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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying birthday cards/presents on behalf of DC for ex

19 replies

GetItTogetherPlease · 07/10/2018 11:01

Ex's birthday today, DC with their dad for the weekend.
Aibu for not getting a card for him on behalf of DC? I have done in previous years but I did honestly forget it was his birthday until just now.
But then Ive just been thinking whether I should or not. My mum always buys me 'happy birthday mummy' cards and mothers day cards on DCs behalf so I'm wondering whether it's Ex's family responsibility to do that for him, or mine?
My judgment is slightly clouded as ex is a waste of skin, but I do appreciate its nice for DC to give their dad a card or present on his birthday and don't want them to miss out.
DC have made cards in previous years but I genuinely did forget this year. Not sure whether I've let DC down this year not doing that again.
Urgh, bloody hate having to do mental gymnastics with this kind of stuff.

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 07/10/2018 11:03

If he doesn’t bother for you I wouldn’t even think about it for another second

EnglishRose13 · 07/10/2018 11:05

If he did it for you, then fair enough. He doesn't. Don't give it a second thought.

Original poster
GetItTogetherPlease · 07/10/2018 11:05

He has done a couple of times, def didn't for mothers day this year though

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 07/10/2018 11:06

Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

How old are the kids?

GreenLantern53 · 07/10/2018 11:07

My ex told me NOT to do this. so not everyone wants this. I wouldnt bother anymore personally.

Original poster
GetItTogetherPlease · 07/10/2018 11:09

ohdeargod what do you mean?

DC is 5

OP posts:
nokidshere · 07/10/2018 11:15

I would until the child is old enough to think of it themselves. It's a nice thing to do for your child.

MakeAHouseAHome · 07/10/2018 11:17

If he does it for you then yes I think you should feel bad (I mean for birthdays, not talking about Mothers Day). If he doesn't bother though, then neither should you.

Pixel99 · 07/10/2018 11:21

I'd like to say I won't bother to get presents for ex from DC but I know I won't. Last year got small gift for mothers day, birthday yet he demanded DC (so me) spend a lot more him. This year even small gift for mother's day and no card. Birthday got a card from DD she drew at school that day. DS did not even know it was my birthday til DD mentioned Happy Birthday and she only knew as I bought a cake to share with them. DS actually called me a liar when I did indeed confirm I do have birthdays! Still no card / gift. Still ex told DD if be bought her a t-shirt she wanted he was deducting it from my maintenance. I'll get a gift from DC for Xmas but it will be bloody cheap. I bought my own bithday present - a very pretty bracelet which was under £20. Depending on the age of your DC and relationship with ex perhaps just let your DM buy the gifts / cards from DC and get a very small (joint) token gift & card from DC to their father. It shows him in a bad light to his DC and also how you are still civil to their father.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 07/10/2018 11:23

I meant that if he was a deadbeat husband and father, and a "waste of skin," then he has to suck up the downsides of you not putting yourself out for him and facilitating some of the nicer parts of parenthood, like receiving cards from his DC.
When they're a bit older, they can do it off their own backs. For now, he'll have to lump it.

Lonecatwithkitten · 07/10/2018 11:23

I did until DD was in secondary school and had enough pocket money to sort herself out. She now declines to give him anything, but then his presents to her always come with strings attached.

MrsStrowman · 07/10/2018 11:28

My parents separated for about ten years when I was younger, they would each make sure the other for birthday, Christmas, mother's, father's Day received cards and gifts from us, but it was reciprocal, DF had a key to our house the whole time, we had Sunday lunch together most weeks, all spent Christmas together each year, attended family functions etc and eventually they got back together, so maybe my view is really skewed. I think if he's not going to do it for you, you shouldn't feel guilty about not doing it for him. When the DCs are teens you could remind them, your father's birthday is in a couple of weeks and it's up to them if they do anything.

LongHotSummer24715 · 07/10/2018 11:37

Don't feel bad it was an honest mistake to forget. If you feel more comfortable then just let it slide & don't buy each other gifts from the kids.

I spent years buying Mother's Day, Birthday & Christmas gifts for my DSS's mother. I stopped last year after he told me that she called me a weirdo when she opened the Christmas gift Confused it was only perfume - maybe I am a weirdo but I was trying to do the right thing. DSS is very thoughtless and never made or bought her anything - she doesn't speak to family, has no partner & only one friend I just didn't want her having nothing to open & feel shit.
But since I'm a weirdo I've stopped & it's a lot less hassle!
BTW DH never received a card or gift from ex on behalf of DS. He didn't care. I buy those gifts & cards now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2018 11:40

Does either of you have a partner now?

I sort gifts for DH for/with my DSC and when ex had a bf he did the same for her.

Neither DH nor ex have ever done anything for each other though I think her parents have sometimes done things with the DC.

user1493413286 · 07/10/2018 11:43

Unless he consistently does it for you then I wouldn’t bother. DH and DSDs mum did for a year or two after separating but these days her mums family sort out mums cards and presents and we do DHs

twattymctwatterson · 07/10/2018 11:45

I do it for my DDs sake. Not for his

Original poster
GetItTogetherPlease · 07/10/2018 12:22

I've had a rough week, was in hospital and to be honest totally forgot. Do feel bad for DS now though as previously he's made a card. Not spending a penny on that wally.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 07/10/2018 12:46

My ex and I have a pretty good co-parenting relationship so I do buy him a card/small gift for birthday and Christmas but I let DD choose them and he does the same for me.

I think that until your child is old enough to be able to choose to make their own arrangements or not and fund them - through pocket money etc - then the least you can do is spend £1on a card for your child to write in. I have a box filled with various greetings cards because I love to buy things in sales and hoard them and in a pinch I could raid that for something if I forgot or hadn't had chance to go out and get something specifically for him.

Regardless of if my ex did it for me I would continue to buy him a card because its not from me, its from his daughter and I am just facilitating that for her because I want her to have a positive relationship.

We generally don't bother with Mothers/Fathers day for each other though as DD has usually made something at school for us.

Crackedvase · 07/10/2018 13:41

My ex and I are amicable, we buy each other birthday, christmas, and mother/fathers day from dd.
We also buy each other spouse/other kids at birthday/christmas.
My dds father and stepmum are important to her so we include them, for her sake. Its never expensive gifts etc, more about joining in. I think it can be very positive.
However- as I said, we are amicable. If he was a dick, I'm not sure we would be as magnanimous tbh

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