People keep manipulating me into spending time with them

[Klostro]

OK I've NC as this is really outing but I've had enough. I feel really mean for writing this but I just want to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

It happens all the time. I'm a loner but for some weird reason I seem to attract a certain type of person.

First is my friend C. Shes separated and now divorcing her husband and has two kids and she is constantly on at me. By her own admission she can't stand being alone. But because I'm actually a loner, this is really difficult. She cooks meals and then invites me round to eat and when I say no she says "but I cooked extra for you 😣". She is constantly complaining - I understand her life is complicated but its constant. I introduced her to a friend of mine and she decided to pursue him. He said from the get go he was not interested in a serious relationship. Despite being told again and again by him, and fby him, she continues to get upset every time he is unavailable. I have told her nicely that she needs to learn to appreciate time on her own, and after so many years with her dickhead ex, she needs to stop making men the core focus of her life. Because of this I find her really draining a lot of the time. She needs to be in constant text contact every day. As soon as a conversation starts by text she will try and push me into doing something with her. She had a really minor operation and kept sending texts about how nobody cared enough to go around and see her - so clearly I will "have" to.

I should point out that I know this sounds mean because im ranting here, but I try to do my best my her but its just never enough. It also goes completely counter to who I am as a person. I have lots of other friends where there are no issues - we see ewch other once a week say and no real texting in between. I come away from seeing her feeling drained and deflated.

Its a similar situation with an old woman who lives in the flat below me. A few times I've had long conversations with her in the hallway and she has asked me over for coffee. I understand shes lonely. I have a lot of work on at the moment and also as something of a secret introvert I need a lot of alone time. What the neighbour has started doing is intercepting all my parcels so I have to go around and have a cuppa and collect them.

In both these situations I get it, I really do, and my heart does go out to them hence why things have gone so far. But I'm just getting frustrated now and also resentful as I feel like I'm being used to soothe other people's emotional issues with little regard seemingly for what type of person I am and what I might want. With my friend C, I'm angry as I feel manipulated into a deeper level of friendship than I want.

So yesterday she says "OK well thats fine I'm just going to freeze it. So when can you come? Monday or Tuesday?"

What the fuck do I say?

Classic opportunity to say ‘I’ll let you know’. Non-commital, open ended, no definite day so not committed. If she presses, you say ‘I’m busy on both days’. When she says ‘How about Wednesday?’ you say ‘Busy’. Keep saying this til she gets the message. And stop immediately answering calls/texts, you’re not legally obliged to answer her, you know! Leave it a couple of days, go on, be daring!

"I'll need to check what we've got on" buys you some time. Then a few hours later you can reply with a reasonable reply along the lines of already got plans those dates. You can offer an alternative day or not depending how you feel.

OP your friend C is an emotional vampire.

I had one like this. I would leave her flat feeling absolutely drained. In the end I had to go NC with her. It was hard but she was so persistent and wouldn't listen or respond normally to "I am so busy, I will let you know when I am free" or other such rebuffs from me.

The lady downstairs - order fewer parcels, if you have to see her set your alarm on your phone to something that sounds like a ringtone and then "answer" it and tell her you will have to go, leave with a smile, pretending to talk to someone on phone.

For the “none of my friends visit”, you could reply “why don’t you give them a call? I’m sure they’d be able to have a chat. How is Bob getting on with his cat problem?”

Puts the attention away from you as being her sole resource of conversation and highlights that other people have things going on in their lives too, that’s it’s not all about her.

OP how about saying "i don't enjoy the man bashing that I think our relationship is based on, I'm really happy with DP and I want to spend all my free time with him". It will end the friendship which is what you genuinely want and I don't think it's an attack on her. If you get rid of C you might feel better about the old lady - but still don't have a cup of tea. How are the parcels ending up with her?

So yesterday she says "OK well thats fine I'm just going to freeze it. So when can you come? Monday or Tuesday?"

She is not taking no for an answer. That is rude and you should tell her so. I have had to really minimise contact with some friends who wouldn't take no for an answer recently. I'm cross about it but that is how they chose to behave.

O god these people with no boundaries drive me mad. Go Away and Leave Me Alone! Thing is, they rarely want your friendship because you're a lovely person as they often don't know you well enough to tell what you're like. They just want an indulgent sponge who wont argue and will listen to their whingjng. Because, generally, we're polite and dont want to be unnecessarily harsh. However, I've concluded that brusqueness is what they're used to thus they have exhausted all past friends and have to find new prey. Be more rude!

Even reading about your friend, is draining me. You need to phase her out, you are not her sounding board or her emotional crutch.
Stop answering some of her calls, or immediately replying to her texts/ messages. Stop being so available, thus gently distancing yourself.
Also, it's alright to say, 'because I don't want to, but thanks for asking'.
Unfortunately, you are completely different people For you.💐

You just keep saying no. Again and again. It doesn’t matter how it comes out, what you say, or how you say it.

If you slip up and say yes, then just text again when you realize, saying sorry you’d thought you were free but you aren’t anymore.

You think about when you do want to see her, and you see her then. Or just phase out the friendship.

It’s just practise, no one is born with these assertiveness skills, you have to just do them and eventually you’ll be able to do it much less awkwardly.

Another way to think about it is, that it’s not a nice thing to do, to go see someone out of pity, and when you don’t want to. You’d be mortified if someone you knew did this to you? You go for genuine reasons and a good heart, or not at all. I do sometimes see people as they are lonely, but I find something of interest in them, there usually is, and I cut it short if I can’t stay longer, as I don’t want them to feel resented.

I am also an introvert to the point I was becoming a recluse and it wasn’t good for me. I set a target on a habit app of the number of times I had to leave the house/socialise every week and so far I have stuck to it. You could try something similar.
Target or diarise one visit to your friend a month (or whatever seems right) and a chat/coffee with your neighbour at intervals that suit you. Then stick to it. If they suggest things more frequently, just decline them and stick to your private schedule. If you can keep it up for a couple of months they will stop expecting you to be available at a moments notice and adjust to to your limited availability.

Just remember, you are the one who wants things to change so you are the one who will have to put the effort in.

She's a psychic vampire and the only sane thing you can do is detach. She isnt interested in friendship, its all on her terms. I get that she's needy and thats sad, but you only have so many resources and you need them for things you want to do.

She's an adult. She should go for counselling and sort herself out, thats what adults do.

How the hell is she intercepting your parcels??

Have a word with the postman and tell him NOT to do this.

Im an introvert like you. I love spending spare time alone. I find some people really draining, when alone I feel my energy building back up again. You'll have to think of excuses e.g. when going to collect the parcel from your neighbour. When she asks come in for coffee reply, "I can't because I'm expecting a phone call from mum" or "sorry I need to get ready for keep fit class". You need to think about your friend. As in, do you enjoy her company and how often do you want to see her? If you only want to meet up once a week then tell her you're busy so can only meet up every set day/evening. If she asks to meet again that week, just ignore it.

I'm an introvert- you sound like my ideal friend. You could come over and sit in the sitting room while I'm in the kitchen, and every now and then we'd say something to one another.

I really don't think C is your friend.

'So yesterday she says "OK well thats fine I'm just going to freeze it. So when can you come? Monday or Tuesday?"

What the fuck do I say?'

'Glad it's not going to waste! Don't really fancy it this week, I'll give you a shout next week if I have a day free.'

Honestly that's how normal friends talk to each other.

I had a few friendships like this in my 20s. It was so draining. I am a people pleaser and just attracted people who were never happy and always had lives full of drama. It took me ages to realise why I didn’t enjoy time spent with them- they literally brought NOTHING positive into my life. I’ve had the present thing too- hated it. Just a tool to keep you sweet and guilt you.
I second slowly withdrawing. If C doesn’t bring any happiness into your life why bother wasting your time with her? Just be warned- every time I have done a withdrawal from a friendship all hell has broken loose. I’ve been called a bad friend, told I’ve never been supportive (after said friend lived rent free with me post breakup and bailed on my birthday to be with her new man, while still living at my house!). The reality is that their opinions just didn’t matter anymore. I knew I’d been supportive. I knew I’d tried and I knew they made me miserable. It was still hard to have it thrown in my face but things calmed down eventually. Just remember, you do not owe her anything. She sounds like she’s all take.
I think ditching C is the priority. Try little things to get packages to your own house and the rushing excuse is good for your neighbour.

@haba
Haha the thing is im a real blatherer and love a good natter. But I'll meet up fpr 4 or 5 hours and that'll do me for a fortnight.

Why are these companies allowing neighbour to intercept your parcels?!

Call them and tell them you will deny receipt next time they give your stuff to a neighbour!

I'd say suck it up for the elderly neighbour and just do a good deed. I'm an introvert but having a cuppa or helping out an elderly neighbour is something I'm happy to do as it's just being kind. The other friend,you just need to say no enough until she takes the hint

@longwayoff
"Thing is, they rarely want your friendship because you're a lovely person as they often don't know you well enough to tell what you're like."

That's so perceptive, you're right.
Once we met the three of us, her, me and the male friend.

The vibe was so off. Me and male friend just weren't being ourselves, i have no idea why because she wasn't hogging the conversation or anything like that at all. Shes a very nice person. Its just like there was an invisible filter for some reason.

@SadieAB9
I agree with you re the neighbour. In fact I'm going to pop down to collect my parcel now, i wont stop for tea but ill see if she needs something from the shop.

Tell her you'll go round only on strict terms that the topic of men is off limits. She may well lose interest in the idea.

Following for tips

Just keep making excuses to your friend, take a while to reply etc. That's only if you don't feel you can be direct with her. If your neighbour takes a parcel get your OH to go round and get it.

Totally get you OP. I too was like this when I was younger. Introvert, but seemed to attract needy people and couldn't say no to them. Then once you've got sucked in and try to say no sometimes, you feel really mean. Whereas people who can just breeze along and not get targeted by these types don't have to feel mean at all.

It is all about boundaries, looking people in the eye and saying no, you don't want to, that doesn't work for you at the moment, you already have plans, etc. And yes, upsetting them. But you have to remember that they don't give two shits that they're making life really hard for you. Unlike you, this type of manipulative person is only thinking of themselves, and they can sniff out a people-pleaser from miles away. Yes, people need support and life is tough, but that doesn't mean you are obliged to put your own life second for anyone who decides to make demands on you.

I've had elderly neighbours who literally held onto my arm when I tried to leave a chat to get on with stuff. But I had to just find some ovaries and say "I'm sorry, lovely to chat but I'm off to work now." And walk away.

With your needy friend: "I can't make it this week." "Thank you for asking, but I'm not available at the moment." "No, I have plans." I know how it feels, you feel so pressured and awful, and it feels like kicking a puppy, but that is the situation these people set up. She cooks for you so that you'll feel awful saying no. I'm not saying she's evil and cunning, she's just doing what's always worked for her, but you don't have to engage with it.

I'm now much older, and my life is busy with kids and work, and I've learned to prioritise my alone time because it's so precious and I need it. Yes, it makes me a bit anti-social, I don't go out much or see friends as much as I should maybe, but for the time being my mental health and priorities have to come first.

I now find it so much easier after lots of practice. There's a local cafe I sometimes go to and there's a man who's always in there and always talks to everyone and looks for someone who'll let him chat to them. I now am able to say "Hi X, how are you", have a 2 minute chat, then say "I've come in here to read my magazine, that's what I'm going to do now, so see you later" . I'm sorry for him if he's lonely, but if I let him he'd follow me home. Boundaries.

Read this book too - it will really, really help I promise:
A woman in your Own Right