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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much of him?

26 replies

whatjendid · 07/10/2018 03:55

Hi All,

I’m new at this but trying to get an idea if I’m expecting too much of my partner.

Rewind five weeks and I had just given birth to our beautiful first born. We had a bit of a rough ride as she was in ICU for the first 12 days of her life due to needing an operation and being clinically diagnosed with a syndrome however got through that. Since being home he is distant and disengaged, he works late almost every night and comes home and wants to sit and look at his phone rather than make the effort speaking to me / interacting with the baby.

This week alone he has gone to work, come home when the baby is in bed and claimed that he’s too tired to talk. The next day he went off to work and didn’t call or text all day until I got in touch at gone 7 to ask when he would be home. He claimed to be too busy to call or text but was on and off whatsapp all day.

The icing on the cake was him going off to Oktoberfest in Munich this weekend. We had an argument earlier today and now I haven’t heard from him in 12 hours. Not even so much as a text asking if the baby is ok. I’m panicking now as none of his friends are even replying to confirm that he’s ok.

He’s 34 and I feel as though I’m dealing with a teenager and fighting a losing battle. So, my question is, am I being unreasonable to think that he could be a bit more supportive of me? I’ve been diagnosed with PND and therefore know that the medication etc probably make me a little on edge but I’m losing my mind.

Thanks

OP posts:

HappenedForAReisling · 07/10/2018 03:58

No advice here but no, you're not being unreasonable.

I think he's a selfish arse, but that doesn't help you.

Monty27 · 07/10/2018 04:01

Yanbu he's being a crap dad

MrsStrowman · 07/10/2018 04:02

It sounds like he's detached, perhaps after the traumatic time around the birth, but he needs to step up and be there for you both

Original poster

whatjendid · 07/10/2018 04:03

This is what I was worried about. I’ve tried talking to him about, tried encouraging him to do nice things to bond with the baby and made a fuss of him. But I’m kind of at my wits end, his behaviour this weekend has been really disappointing and I’m just not sure that we can recover from it

OP posts:

Seniorschoolmum · 07/10/2018 04:07

YAnbu. He’s behaving like a selfish git.

Was everything ok before the birth? Could the difficult birth plus spell in icu have unnerved him? Some men are hopeless at dealing with that side of it. It makes them feel completely out of their depth.

It must be hard to tell if he won’t talk to you. I’d stop chasing him and wait for him to ring you or come home. Spend these couple of days resting & bonding with your little one.

I hope it works out.

Original poster

whatjendid · 07/10/2018 04:12

We knew that she would need to be in ICU and need the operation but the clinical diagnosis came as a shock. So, we were fully prepared for being in hospital for a little while and had come to terms with that. In all honestly he was brilliant when we were in too, we got on really well and acted as a real support for each other. Unfortunately it’s just since being home that he has let us down.

To be honest, he’s not a great talker but I’m even worse. I should be sleeping now but am up and worried sick that something has happened to him. I wouldn’t dare treat him like this

OP posts:

81Byerley · 07/10/2018 04:18

He sounds selfish. I wouldn't have been happy about the trip away this soon after the baby was born, to be honest. I'm sure if there was something wrong with him you'd have heard. He's just being a thoughtless idiot.

Prettyvase · 07/10/2018 04:38

You can't really be forced to bond with a newborn. If it doesn't come from the heart it is going to impact on your relationship.

He is finding it hard to adjust:and with your needs too he is backing away instead of being strong and someone you can rely on.

Unfortunately it's not unusual for a man to be shellshocked at the change in life due to having a baby.

It sounds as if he's not coping that well. Attacking him for it won't bode well even though it is the natural reaction.

Do you have a mum or a sister or best friend, anyone who can help you?

Sorry you are going to this. It's awful when you need someone the most they are backing away.

Some men are not good with the baby stage and are better when their DC are older.

Not going to help you now I know.

HappenedForAReisling · 07/10/2018 04:42

That doesn't excuse his shitty behaviour though.

trojanpony · 07/10/2018 08:09

I’m angry for you.

He sounds selfish and like a crap dad

this is not right or normal behaviour

please look after your mental health and do not cover for him with friends and family.

YetAnotherUser · 07/10/2018 08:21

He sounds depressed. Has he spoken to a doctor about it?

Santaclarita · 07/10/2018 08:24

Are you sure he's working and not seeing someone else? Doesn't sound particularly busy if he can be on and off WhatsApp all day.

AlphaBravo · 07/10/2018 08:28

Sounds like he hadn't come to terms with it at all to be honest.

greenjojocat · 07/10/2018 08:29

I have a lot of experience with NICU life and I would say it's probably that he is still feeling scared and worried but not dealing with it in the right way. It's horrible when birth doesn't go to plan and it could be that he's still processing that. I would be pushing him to talk about what happened and getting him to look after the baby while you get on with something else for an hour so he can see that everything is ok.. Congrats on your little one

Timeforabiscuit · 07/10/2018 08:30

Do you have any support apart from your partner?

At this point id very calmly have a discussion when he comes back saying what kind of relationship and involvement you both want going forward, and the consequences if things dont change.

Has he had any alone time with the baby with you out of the house?

Straighttalkersneeded · 07/10/2018 08:34

This is an attempt at understanding what's going on. Is it possible he's had a different response to the trauma to you and coping in a shut down detached way? If so suggest thinking of it like he needs help, GP maybe.

It often happens that a life event triggers different responses in a couple then one partner's way of coping makes life harder for the other unfortunately. Like when a partner turns to drink after a bereavement for example and stops being able to function.

Villainelle · 07/10/2018 08:37

I think there are two strands to his behaviour. It sounds like he has male post natal depression. It also sounds like he's being a crap husband and dad. Give him a stern talking to about the latter, and send him to the doctor about the former. I'm sure he is finding it hard, but so are you, and you're keeping the family together as well as recovering from childbirth and the hormone come down. He needs to fucking well sort his attitude out.

HollowTalk · 07/10/2018 08:39

This is really awful - your baby is three weeks out of ICU and he's on his holidays and not replying to messages? That's disgraceful.

It could be one of two things:

he could be a complete knob. Selfish, thoughtless, leaving you to both bond with the baby and take on all the care. He hasn't bonded and couldn't care less about either of you.

he could be in shock after the baby's birth, find it difficult to be too involved in case something awful happens to her, and distancing himself from you both just in case.

We don't know what he was like before, but I have to say the first option seems more likely, given the fact he's not answering your messages, even. I would be very, very upset.

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/10/2018 08:40

It sounds like he is also suffering from PND.

HollowTalk · 07/10/2018 08:40

For those saying he has post natal depression - the OP has actually been diagnosed with this herself and she's not running off to Munich to get drunk.

Missingstreetlife · 07/10/2018 08:47

Or a bit of both. It can't go on. Tell him his fortune if things don't improve. He or both of you can seek counselling. He can speak to gp, midwife, health visitor, religious leaded, even nct may help. Has he got friends or relatives with baby. Speak to them and their partner? Are his parents helpful, sympathetic. You agreeing to Oktoberfest trip is a privilege, he should stop abuse the free time and being a knob

Straighttalkersneeded · 07/10/2018 08:47

People cope differently though so its irrelevant that OP hasn't run off - she doesn't need to, she's not the one not coping! He could be a good guy who needs to be sent to the doctors.

Of course he could just be a dick.

AjasLipstick · 07/10/2018 08:52

I think it's possible that he's reacting to the shock of the hard time you had at birth and the diagnoses. Not that this makes it ok but if he was perfectly nice and supportive before, then it could be why he's now being so weird.

Is the condition your baby has been diagnosed with a difficult one to live with OP? Has there been any counselling for you and DH?

AlphaBravo · 07/10/2018 09:31

@hollowtalk men's PND can manifest differently just like every woman's can. I know when I was in the depths of PND I would've walked away if I could've. It horrifies me now but at the time it was totally acceptable to me.

It sounds like he is totally detached and has missed the primary bonding moments after birth. Which when a child is sick is especially important as you're coming to terms with a whole new 'life' and mourning the idyllic one you have lost.

Ghanagirl · 07/10/2018 09:39

Gosh is male PND even a real thing, I think it’s an excuse to behave badly.

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