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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Local party - NFI

24 replies

Mingmoo · 06/10/2018 19:01

I found out that a neighbour and good friend is having a big birthday party tonight and has invited pretty much everyone locally except us. I found out because many of the people who are invited assumed we were going too; I have no idea why we weren't. We live within one minute's walk of them and just drove past the house on our way home. They have a marquee in the garden. It's a big do. AIBU to send a text to say the house looks lovely and I hope they have a nice time when I have severely mixed feelings about it and no idea why we've been left off the list. I do genuinely like them and hope they have a nice time but I also want to let them know that we know we've been left out, so I would absolutely be sending it to convey that message. Should I just leave it?

OP posts:

KateGrey · 06/10/2018 19:04

Don’t dignify with any response. Could they’ve forgotten about you? As in accidentally?

Original poster

Mingmoo · 06/10/2018 19:05

I mean, anything's possible. But I see them most weeks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mingmoo · 06/10/2018 19:07

It's a very close-knit community around here and now I have terrible social anxiety about whether we've somehow offended them.

OP posts:

SplishSplashSplosh · 06/10/2018 19:48

I think I would end up sending the text

LucieMorningstar · 06/10/2018 19:48

Possibly message the friend and say “hey what’s the marquee for in your garden?!”

MrsSarahSiddons · 06/10/2018 19:53

I think you should ignore it. You risk making yourself look foolish. I sympathise though, it's horrible to be left out.

SmilingButClueless · 06/10/2018 19:59

Is it possible that they think they’ve invited you but just forgotten to mention it? Or if it’s a couple, each think that the other has done it?

Parisbun · 06/10/2018 20:07

Its horrible to feel youve been deliberately left out but this is the time for the aphorism -
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Possibly the invitations were done in separate lots and you were inadvertently left off a list.

I think in your shoes I would be so hurt by this but theres nothing to be done at this stage.
Have your own party at home and forget the one down the road if you can.

Original poster

Mingmoo · 06/10/2018 20:26

Thanks, everyone. It's probably best to say nothing, isn't it. I feel as if I've been kicked in the chest, which is a ridiculous reaction.

OP posts:

Lulette · 06/10/2018 20:30

I sympathise. However sending anything will be very transparent so I would keep a dignified silence - they know what they’ve done

LucieMorningstar · 06/10/2018 21:29

This is not nice op. How will you deal with it after today?

earlybirdhasanap · 06/10/2018 21:35

I would also feel really hurt by this but I don't think texting is a good idea.
If you want to bring it up ask after the party if everything is is ok between you. If you text now they'll either feel embarrassed and invite you when they tried not to which would be awkward or they'll feel mortified for forgetting you and it may spoil their evening or they'll ignore you and you'll feel worse all evening.
Hopefully it's just an honest mistake.

lola006 · 06/10/2018 22:02

Can you ask a friend to ask one of the couple ‘hey, is Mingmoo here? I wanted to ask her about her garden/last holiday/whatever.’

underneaththeash · 06/10/2018 22:42

I often think that people are really overthinking stuff on MN, but if you really can't think of any reason why you've been left out I really would ask.

Have you seen your neighbour recently and has she mentioned it at all?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/10/2018 23:30

personally i would send a text of some description. If they accidentally missed you out it will be clear from their reply and you can sleep easy. If it was deliberate then what difference does it make whether you offend them with the text or not? So text them but just be polite, something like "hey saw the marquee outside, hope you have a lovely evening - is it a special birthday? "

MrsTommyBanks · 06/10/2018 23:49

I'd leave it for now. Then next time I see either of them say hope you had a good party.
The reaction would decide any further contact.
I get why you feel shit

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2018 00:19

I disagree with most people. Life’s too short to be treated shittily by people. I’d text something like:

‘I saw the marquee and heard you’re having a party. I’m actually really hurt at being excluded since we’re supposed to be friends. Obviously I misinterpreted our friendship. I think it best we leave things for a while but I hope you have a nice evening.’

And then not be available again.

MichelleJ79 · 07/10/2018 00:29

Can understand you feeling the way you do, been in that situation myself and it is not nice.

I would not let them know you are upset and instead I would go out for a nice meal and or drinks and enjoy yourselves on the night of their party.

Adopt a "mind over matter" approach, you don't mind, they don't matter!!

Original poster

Mingmoo · 07/10/2018 00:36

Well, I ate a lot of cheese and watched reality TV shows and didn't have to wear heels to do it. I think I just have to readjust my expectations of people, painful though it is. Better to know where you stand than think something that isn't true. I highly recommend never having this experience, though.

OP posts:

LucieMorningstar · 07/10/2018 08:55

I really hope you get some kind of message asking why you didn’t show up op. But you have to think about how you’re going to deal with the situation now if you hear nothing as it will eat you up and make you angry.

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2018 09:25

I really don’t understand why some people are so willing to accept bad treatment.

They snubbed you and you know it.

A party of that magnitude takes planning and time and you see them every week. Not telling you was a conscious decision and one I’d confront them with.

Not in an aggressive way but like my previous post, I’d text and make clear I was aware they don’t value my friendship and that I was moving on.

Now they just think ‘oh good, Mingmoo hasn’t said anything - I got away with that!’

Original poster

Mingmoo · 07/10/2018 12:24

Yes, I don't think they can have forgotten to invite us. Either we're not as good friends as I thought (which would be mortifying to be told, so I'm not keen on confronting them) or it's because we didn't have a party ourselves on the same occasion (we didn't celebrate at all, even by going out to dinner ourselves, as we were having a very hard time personally and financially) or it's because of my husband's job and how it might have affected people's behaviour at the party. But really all of those reasons are upsetting. It's a fairly small and isolated area and I expect it will be a topic of conversation this week and beyond.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/10/2018 12:31

Every time it comes up say "Oh, we must have upset them somehow, we weren't invited!"

Own it, let them be the ones who have to explain why...

HouseworkIsASin10 · 07/10/2018 14:16

I would distance myself from them now. Their actions sadly show they don't value you as friends

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