Taking DD away for 1st birthday

[Pollypanda]

More of a WWYD I guess.

I have posted previously about our strained relationship with PIL over the years which came to a head 3 months ago. It’s a very long boring story but as a result we have been NC with FIL and BIL since (through their choice, not ours). We have regained some sort of relationship with MIL, although it’s still very fragile.

So it’s DD’s 1st birthday in a few weeks time. Her birthday is the same day as my MIL’s. All being well with both families we would have had a small get together with both sets of parents and siblings for a few sandwiches and presents. No big party or anything. However, due to the issues with FIL and BIL if we were to do this with only MIL, their absence would be a huge elephant in the room and MIL would bring it up making it awkward for us all. She would also make it all about her (she thinks that because her and DD share a birthday they have a special connection...).

I want to go away for DD’s birthday to avoid all the drama but my partner says it would kill his mum, she’d be devastated, it would reignite all the issues with her etc.

I do understand it would be hard for MIL not seeing DD on both her first birthday and her own birthday. I would happily have her over before/after the day to exchange gifts and celebrate just the 4 of us. But I really don’t want DD’s first birthday to be overshadowed by family politics and my MIL turning all attention onto herself.

So what would you do? Go away just the 3 of us or grit your teeth and get through it at home?

She would also make it all about her (she thinks that because her and DD share a birthday they have a special connection...)

I think it's pretty special to have a grandchild born on your birthday tbf OP, don't you?

Why did FIL and BIL fall out with you?

I agree it is nice for her that they share a birthday. By special connection I mean comments like: “I need to see her 3 times a week, because of our special connection”, “she likes me better than her other nana because of our special connection”, “she wants to live with me not mummy and daddy because we’re connected”. So yeah.

As for FIL and BIL it’s such a long story I don’t even know where to begin. But it started with DH not going out on the piss with them when DD was a colicky sleep avoiding newborn and ended when they bought us a swing we’d specifically said we really didn’t want then calling us ungrateful cunts. I don’t do either stories justice but I’d be here typing all evening if I tried!

Your in a lose lose situation.

Go away - much better than ruining the day for all concerned.

Did you post about the swing??
Do your own thing during the day and invite mil for a small tea time cuppa /cake.
Start as you mean to go on or every year will be mil from dawn til dusk.
Your dc, your choice.

I did post about the swing! Don’t think I NC’d for it. It was early July. Will try to link the thread

Obviously there's lots gone on between you all and it sounds pretty stressful.

If you can cope with the fall out that going away on both their birthdays then I'd say go tbh as like you say it will probably be strained anyway without BIL and FIL.

Swing:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3300415-To-return-gift-to-PIL

Just realised I have referred to DS there and DD here. I can confirm baby is a boy and my attempts at editing identifying details need to be more consistent

I remember your post, honestly take 'ownership' as it were, of your dd and HER day. Your mil needs to be grateful she has any sort of relationship never mind a super special one!!

My mil and I do not get on whatsoever due to her being a self centered narsasist.
For ds's first birthday dp and I decided he would take ds over to her house to see the other side on his family on the afternoon of his birthday for 1 and a half hours.
They still moaned as I was controlling the times etc.
Sometimes not matter what you offer/ try to compromise etc there is just no pleasing everyone.
I would have the day the 3 of you and let them have time together the day before/ after.

We are nc with mil - partly due to the mange infested rocking horse the gave ds she retrieved from a skip!!

Thanks everyone who has commented so far. Luckily the birthday falls on a Saturday so could see in laws on Sunday, but it just won’t be good enough for MIL. I agree we’re onto a shitter whatever we do.

@Aprilislonggone my god!!

Go away and do your own thing for your DS first birthday and continue to do your own thing i.e. What's best for your family.
Becoming a parent means you can start creating your own family traditions, they may be ones you or your DP grew up with, but they might not because they're going to be yours.

Go away, do what you - your child’s parents - want and if she kicks off then you know your relationship isn’t all that anyway.

She’s survived all of her birthdays to date before DS was born, she’ll be fine. It certainly won’t “kill her” FGS.

Is she married to FIL? Wouldn’t she rather be with him on her birthday anyway?

Your DP’s son has to come before his mum. If you start pandering because you’re scared of the potential fall out of not doing so then it’s not a free choice.

You need clear healthy boundaries. Without them you don’t know what sort of relationship you actually have with MIL.

Lovely grandparents are great. Stressed anxious parents aren’t. Your child needs you and DP. MIL, if she’s an asset to your life, is a bonus.

I'm a Grandma and as such have to accept that my DC and their partners have first call on their own offspring.
You do what is best for you and your DS and don't let DH's family manipulate you.
If you decide to go away just enjoy yourselves. If you don't, then maybe let DH take DS there for an hour first thing but then you do what you want for the rest of the day.

Do it. I honestly wish I'd had the balls too. As a result DS's 1st birthday is now overshadowed by memories of petty drama and politics, my SIL making it all about her. As a result for his 2nd birthday I'm taking him out and people can go whistle. Just wish I'd done it for his 1st. Do it as you'll have to live with the memories after otherwise xx

I'd do whatever you wanted OP - your child your decision. I was reading the thread where the OP was asking AIBU to be a bit upset that her parents don't offer any childcare - nearly all replies were your kids you look after them etc etc. So on that basis your DS you celebrate his birthday how you wish.

However, I can see that if you and DH are maintaining a relationship with MIL it is probably a difficult situation for him and he might not feel comfortable cutting her out completely. Therefore could you invite MIL over early Saturday morning for a birthday breakfast celebration, have cake and presents etc, decorate your house a little, banners / balloons? then head away for the remainder of the weekend say mid morning. That way you've done your bit with MIL for a couple of hours and still get to go away with DH and DS.

Go away for the birthday then throw a party when you return inviting lots of people to avoid the need for it to be all about mil. It's your call, you see your mil a lot