To be so hurt over the fact we haven't done anything as a family for 3 months

[yorkiepudsnutellaandicecream]

Hi all!

I'm feeling a bit down lately over the fact that my OH never spends time with us. I understand he is really busy, as he has his own business and he works full time for an employer, and I work part time when he comes home from work Monday-Thursday so there is very little time we get to spend together. However, I am off Friday Saturday and Sunday every week. My DS goes to his dads every second weekend, so limiting us ALL to spend time together even more.. however it has been 3 months (4th July, my DDs birthday) since we actually went out all 4 of us and done something. I don't expect much in terms of going out, I even mean going for a walk, or going to the park, or visiting family members. But my OH is always busy. I even just want 2 hours of his time to do something. But at the weekend he sleeps in late, sits around and then announces he has to go to his warehouse and has all of this other stuff to do. I'm really getting upset about it now and he knows that and he says "why don't you take the kids out?" Which I always do. I'm just getting a bit sad he's not there. I'm sure he could get up a little bit earlier and do what he needs to do and set a side an hour or 2 every couple of weeks for us.

He doesn't think it's a big deal and I'm starting to question if I'm overreacting. Thoughts?

Why don’t you arrange something and present it as a fait accompli? Maybe cinema tickets, book a meal out (assumedly he still eats) or a seasonal event - pumpkin event or similar.
Then talk about time at, say, Christmas and when he’ll be around so you can make plans and have things to look forward to.

If he doesn’t invest a minimum of two hours a week in family activities, what is it all for? Or indeed what is he for? And an equal amount spending 1:1 time with his dc.

What time do you get to do your own thing? How c9me he gets so much free time?

I’d hate that. And I disagree that you should spend more time organising something then tell him he has to attend.

I’d tell him how upset you are about it and how unreasonable he’s being. When does he see the dc? What’s the point of being a family if you spend no time together?

He’s showing you his priorities - and they’re not you and dc.

If we do things as a family, it's usually without DH. He'd be bored on an Easter egg hunt, and it would put a strain on his ankle. We go to a Tolkien Society picnic every summer and a family friendly festival at the beginning of September. When we're out he can do housework he can't do when the DC are there, or gardening. For DD's birthday, if he'd come too we wouldn't have been able to afford it.

@Philomenabutterfly that all sounds really sad "he'd be bored on an Easter egg hunt" would watching his children laugh and their excitement not entertain him enough?

Did you not read the next bit about his ankle? He broke it years ago playing semi-pro football, does a very physical job 5 days a week and really needs to rest it the other 2.

Can't you speak to him and just say one day a month you would like to go and do something as a family, like you say it doesn't have to be exciting but if he can't spare one afternoon a month for a trip to the park then what exactly does he want from family life except his dinner cooked and clothes washed?

@PhilomenaButterfly that's so sad. Your poor kids and husband.

He'd be bored on an Easter egg hunt

Me too, but guess what? It's for the kids and they enjoy it.

Same wit's any child activity, soft play, craft afternoons, kids parties ..... all part of parenting

Your DH needs to take time to be with his children if he wants to reap the rewards later in life

Really, nobody's reading the bit about his ankle. We have a lot of fun without him, and he does things with them that I don't participate in.

I think its a big deal too and I don't think once a week is unreasonable at all especially as you are only saying a couple of hours. Is he tired, depressed or just not that interested in being with you all?

Maybe see if there's an activity that would interest him more - sport, National Trust, cinema. I can understand seeing family esp. if it inlaws can be tempting to avoid but not spending time with your wife and kids doesn't seem right to me.

@PhilomenaButterfly, are you @yorkiepudsnutellaandicecream, or have you just hijacked her thread??

If the latter, it sounds like your h is swinging the lead. if he can do a manual job 5 days a week his ankle just be OK. And if he really can't do anything the other two days, why doesn't he look for another job so he can spend time with you? If he's at home doing housework, he's hardly resting it, is he?? And you also say he'd be bored and you coudn't all afford to do things. Which is it??

OP, are you still there?

Sorry I'm still here! Will catch up tonight on this. Xxx

I didn't mean to hijack the thread, people seem to want to tell me my situation doesn't work for me, when it does.

His ankle really isn't okay, but we need the money. It didn't heal properly, it's thrown out the right side of his body, so that whole side's in pain. He does things with the kids that I don't participate in. He takes very strong painkillers just so he can work every day.

Oh, it's so easy to find another job when you're 64 and have only done manual jobs your entire working life. And how do you look for a job when you're working outside every day? It's not as if he's sat at a computer.

All of those things.

I don't really fancy arranging something and telling him we're doing something because he would just moan that he's busy and has stuff to do... Today for example I asked him what he was doing and he said "I have to go to the office" he never even went. Instead he just lazed around the house, which to be fair I don't class that as spending time with us because he watches silly videos on FB and does some admin stuff for his business.

"He'd be bored on an easter egg hunt." Sad but I can relate to this too.

In reply to @eelbecomingforyou - I don't get my own time. I go do food shopping at 11 o'clock at night after work so I can do it in peace because I have the kids 24/7 until I go to work.
I will really need to speak to him because it's bringing me down.

Doesn't help that my anxiety plays havoc when I am out with my babies by myself. I can't quite deal with the stress. (they are 2 and 3 and my 2 yo is a little difficult right now.)

I did try and speak to him a month or two ago and he vowed to keep a sunday free for us but that quickly went out the window.

Sorry my reply is a little bit flakey, I still don't fully understand how to reply properly on mumsnet posts haha

If its only been 3 months I wouldn't worry. if it was 3 years it would be leaving time. Relationships go up and down, life is hard, no need to put the pressure on after such a short time.

Totally disagree with @walkingdeadfangirl.

OP, your h sounds like he's checked out of family life totally. He plays no part in looking after his dc at weekends yet expects you to do it all while he has lies ins and lazes around the house? Bollocks to that.

Three months is a long time to a dc. It's also a long time to do all the parenting while your h is behing a lazy twat. It's also worse if one of your dc is being tricky. Your h is doing no parenting at all, and you get no time for yourself.

How does he think that's fair? You need to sit down and talk to him.

Yes yorkiepuds, but DH does come with us to things, he also does activities with the DC without me that he really shouldn't do, because he pays for it physically the next day. He comes to Tolkien Society things with us if we can afford for him to, they're once a month, he comes to a festival with us once a year. It's just that most things we do separately. Not that he doesn't do things with the DC. While they're at the park, I can prep supper, so they can stay longer.

Lots of people live with a physical injury that restricts their activities. I'm sure he's a fabulous dad and his kids know that he loves them very much regardless, philomena.

Thanks MissConduct, and yes, he is, and they do. 😊

Also, DD's 11 and goes to Sainsbury's (not that exciting but it's a superstore with clothes, books, DVDs and a café, and it's all we've got round here), or to the park, or to friends' houses, by herself a lot of the time anyway.

I think I'd be asking him what relationship he wants with his kids in the future and reminding him that the foundations of that are built in the present.
If you don't want to spend time with them now why would they want to spend time with you when they grow up? I think too many people seem to expect that they'll have a lovely, close family in adulthood without recognising that it evolves