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AIBU?

Should I stay in my job or move?

13 replies

jobcityproblem · 06/10/2018 12:20

For context, I finished my degree this year, and somehow managed to immediately get my ideal job. I currently live as a lodger of a couple in their late 20s, about an hour and a half from where I grew up.

Days after I’d started my job my dad died suddenly and completely unexpectedly, and I moved home for a while. We were incredibly close, and he’d been at my graduation three days before, so it hit me hard. I had to go back to work a week after the funeral, and although at the time it felt like the right thing to do, I’m now struggling with the depression and anxiety that come with unexpected grief. I love my job, and have made some great friends there, but feel extremely lonely and miss my mum and my boyfriend (doing a PhD in London, about 2.5 hours away) in the evenings, and find myself visiting one or the other most weekends.

I have a couple of options of where to go from here and could really do with a stranger’s opinion.

The first is quitting my job and moving back in with my mother for a few months, before applying for another job in London, which is half an hour’s train from home. This would probably help the grieving and healing process, but quitting a job 4 months in and then having a gap doesn’t look great and I might struggle to find another.

The second is to stick it out in my job until about August, then try to find a new job in London, so I can live with my boyfriend. His current flatshare room is single occupancy, and I don’t want him to have to move again having only moved in mid September. This seems like the best plan, but by August I’d hopefully only be a maximum of 4 months away from a promotion, and starting a new job in London would probably put me back to square one. This would allow me to be closer to my mum and my brother too.

The third is just to stick it out in my current city for the next 3+ years, until my boyfriend finishes his PhD and we can decide what to do next. I’d likely have to move house in the next 18 months or so as I think my flatmates are planning on getting engaged and married, but there are plenty of available houses. By the time my boyfriend has finished his PhD, I’ll hopefully be in a much better position career wise if i stick at this job (which I do love), but it seems like an eternity to wait.

Does anyone have any pointers?

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Toughtips · 06/10/2018 12:26

Can you not request unpaid leave under grievance or is there a paid grievance procedure?

That will keep your job open and allow you to have some time with your mum so you can reevaluate after a break

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jobcityproblem · 06/10/2018 12:45

There’s no paid grievance as I’m still under my probation period and already took the 5 days compassionate leave I was given. I could get signed off for a few weeks unpaid leave by my doctor, but I’ve already agreed to some upcoming projects in the next 3 months, and I’m worried about disrupting my mum’s return to work.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 06/10/2018 13:02

I think you have to prioritise your own long term future above all else, and from what you've said, that means staying in the job you have, which you described as "ideal". Talk to work about your mental health and how much you want to stay with them long term. (If they're not willing to help in some way, then you probably don't have a long term future with them, so staying in this job isn't such a priority).

Harsh as it may seem, you don't know how your relationship with your boyfriend will pan out (and if you're early 20s, it's a time of life when you can change enormously in your beliefs, values and preferred lifestyle), so I wouldn't change jobs to be nearer him, only change jobs if the new job is better for you (with the proximity to your boyfriend a beneficial side effect).

You're not being selfish to prioritise yourself - it's only when you are content and secure that you can be a reliable support to others.

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Almostfifty · 06/10/2018 13:05

Do you enjoy your job? Is it just that you've no friends where you are?

Could you stick out your job for a year, then start looking for a job in London, then live with your Mum till you can move in with your BF?

I hope you start to feel better soon, I've lost a parent this year so know what you're going through.

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Allthewaves · 06/10/2018 13:08

Take sick leave, move in with mum and reassess in 3 months

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jobcityproblem · 06/10/2018 13:30

I really enjoy my job! But the only friends I have here are work friends, who all have their own families and relationships to go back to in the evenings, so I find myself constantly counting down to the next time I’m seeing my family

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BrightLightsAndSound · 06/10/2018 13:33

Personally i think fuck it, go and live with your mum for a bit and then move to london.

If your degree is good and you're good at what you do, leaving the job so early in is a bit of a set back but in the grand scheme of things isnt important. Lifes too short. You need to look after yourself.

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Firesidegl0w · 06/10/2018 13:34

Sorry for your loss. I believe that the general consensus is not to make any dramatic changes for at least 6 months. You have a dream job, so I would stick with your job, this will provide you with stability and an income. Your wages will allow you to visit your DM and BF. You can job hunt if you wish, while you are still employed.

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Alarae · 06/10/2018 13:41

I don't think moving back with your parents or your boyfriend is a good idea when you say you have your ideal job that you love.

The problem is that you haven't adjusted to your new area yet, and four months probably isn't long enough especially with a big loss.

Stay where you are OP, but look into starting a new hobby so you can meet more people who have similar interests. There are even groups on Facebook where people will just meet up to get to know new people.

You are depending on others to fill the void, when really you should be focusing on yourself. It will probably also help with the grieving process and to ease the transition into your new life.

Give some time investing in yourself first, trying to meet new people/hobbies before cutting ties and moving back.

I don't mean this in a horrible way at all, but I think your grief has prevented you really giving your new area a go and settling in.

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Almostfifty · 06/10/2018 15:33

How about joining a couple of classes, either exercise or craft stuff?

You'd find other people away from work to socialise with then.

Does your BF every come and stay with you, instead of you having to go to him?

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Almostfifty · 06/10/2018 15:35

Missed Alarae's post saying exactly what I wanted to say much more clearly. Grin

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jobcityproblem · 06/10/2018 15:43

Yes, if anything he visits me more than I visit him at the moment, but that’s just been a logistical thing. His PhD is very intense though, and I’m lucky enough that I can switch off immediately after leaving work, whereas he doesn’t get to, so this might change

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jobcityproblem · 06/10/2018 15:44

Thank you for the suggestions though! I’ll try to see whether there’s any sessions and classes I can do near where I live

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