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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be feeling super emotional?

10 replies

SadieAB9 · 06/10/2018 12:03

Just found out we are expecting baby no2 and for some reason I'm so emotional about it! Im 50% really happy as I always wanted a second child, and when I imagine him/her and think of names I feel really excited! but now I feel this weird sense of guilt toward DC, like I am changing everything when our life is already so lovely! Is this normal? I know it sounds crazy but when I looks at DC I feel like I love them so much that I could never love a future child as much as I love them! Am I crazy? Please someone reassure me that this will fade! Only found out yesterday so think I'm still in shock (it was pretty but not totally unexpected). When I found out about my first I was just purely happy so this reaction has worried me a bit!

Other worry is that hubby is Asian and in his culture the family should go and live with the husband's parents for the birth of the second child (so move a few mobths before the birth and stay at least until the baby is 6 months old - preferably longer).We already told them about the pregnancy and they were so excited and immediately asked if we would come to stay! (They still live in Asia, we are in England). We avoided the question but can't forever! I adore my PIL but can't think of anything worse than uprooting our lives, abandoning jobs and friends and pets (would have to get rid of our beloved cats as have nobody willing to care for them for the 9 months minimum we'd be expected to stay there!), and I don't want to be living somewhere unfamiliar at such an emotional time! Difficult to explain this to them though as I'm not originally from England (but am from v nearby and have been here a long time). They're v lovely but also v traditional so it might upset them a lot and I'm already feeling pretty emotional!

Any advice would be lovely x

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 06/10/2018 12:09

Your roots are here.
In the nicest possible way that's what is important right now.
His dps had their dc, now it's your choice where /how yours are raised..
Assuming dh is in agreement - he presumably loves you regardless of your culture so having your family together here should override his culture imo.

Scoleah · 06/10/2018 12:10

Congratulations!
I felt exactly the same when I found out with my Second, I have a 7 year age gap, so felt emotional like you that she's had me to herself all these years and then I had to share her. How would I love another baby like I loved her?
Then he was born and the dynamic of our family has changed in a Beautiful way, she's an amazing big sister!
It'll fade OP, don't stress yourself too much, I remember finding a Poem and crying my eyes out reading it, I'll see if I can dig it out for you x

Scoleah · 06/10/2018 12:12

Loving Two

I walk along holding your hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply.

I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Author Unknown

SadieAB9 · 06/10/2018 12:16

Thank you so much for the replies! Aprilislonggone, yes, you're right, they already raised their kids in the way that they chose and we should do the same. DH feels a bit sad for them as they followed all the traditions (even the ones they didn't like) but that doesn't mean that we should too! Times are changing including his his home country and traditions are becoming less popular - whereas in the past people would follow traditions without questioning it,now they dont so much. I think this is hard for his parents generation though as they never felt they had the choice not to follow the traditions so in a way it seems like their thoughts are "we had to so you should too!" if you know what I mean.

Scoleah, so happy to read your reply, it's made me feel much better to hear that! Imagining DC with a sibling to play with is really lovely! I'd love to read the poem if you can find it Smile

OP posts:
SadieAB9 · 06/10/2018 12:19

Oh, just saw you posted it while I was typing! That's so lovely - not going to lie, I'm bawling too! ❤️😭

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Argonauts · 06/10/2018 12:22

Congratulations, OP. Honestly, though, surely no one, however 'traditional', would expect two people to give up their jobs, lives, house, pets, friends and go and live on another, distant continent for the best part of a year, purely because someone else from another culture thinks that's normal? Surely you didn't do this when pregnant with your first child?

SadieAB9 · 06/10/2018 12:42

Hi Argonauts! No we didn't as the cultural tradition is that the mother moves in with her own mother for the first birth. Traditionally we should live in the husband's home too, so would go to the mother's home for the first birth, and then have the second birth with the husband's family. They are wonderful and so loving but don't seem to understand why we cant just leave and go and live with them (they're like this at the best of times - in their opinions we would have a home there and food and support and childcare so why not? I can see their thinking but at the same time DH and I both have careers and lives here and we love it! Also the salaries in their country are so low that we'd probably be kind of stuck there and unable to go back to the UK/travel at all again). I didn't go to my mother's for the first birth of course but that didn't affect them as they didn't miss any traditions (as all traditions would be held at the mother's house for first baby) whereas this time they would. Their traditions really aren't my cup of tea either - it's almost insulting if you don't go and visit a new mother in the hospital (SIL had around 60 visitors on the first day that my bride was born, and that was family members, cousins, friends, friends of family) and that's just day 1 - it goes on like that for ages! The baby is very much passed around and nobody would dream of saying no visitors - it would be unbelievably insulting. The mother gets very little time with the baby and just a stream of visitors for weeks. There's a huge party when the baby is a few weeks old and even more people come (hundreds - think family, friends, family of friends, and friends of family! So many people! In their country it's viewed like the more the better!) And the child is moreorless raised by the grandparents. Any mother trying to keep control of her baby/not allowing him to be passed round is viewed as very cruel, almost spiteful. It's very different to what I'm used to or be comfortable with but I can't say this as I don't want to seem ignorant of their culture.

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SadieAB9 · 06/10/2018 12:43

Sorry, meant to say my niece, not my bride!

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SadieAB9 · 06/10/2018 12:46

To give you an idea, SIL is very upset with her cousin whose baby was premature and is quite weak. She is the only person I've heard of who goes against this tradition of the baby being like the property of the family/extended family/friends/neighbours and keeps her close as her immune system isn't great and she's afraid of her getting sick. SIL and the rest of the family view this cousin as utterly disgusting - truly cruel and spiteful and can't believe she would act like this. Whereas to me I think she's being more than reasoable. I mention this so you can see the big cultural difference between us and see why they might be shocked that we would consider not moving to theirs for the birth

OP posts:
SadieAB9 · 06/10/2018 12:46

Sorry, what an essay that turned out to be! X

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