Does there come a point when you have to let people go (no matter how much it hurts)

[onlyoranges]

Anytime I have ever needed my Mum she has not been there for me. She has her own demons and has always addiction issues of one type or another. She had me when she was 17 and things were tough. I broke off contact with her when we moved house. She had never had anything to do with my dcs really and I was always worried she would let them down so didn’t push it. Once I koved she didn’t try and contact me for about a year. But then She tried to contact me via social media etc and then stopped. But now she’s tried again. My problem is she’s so unreliable and when she’s drunk really, really cruel and unpredictable. . But I think about her everyday and I feel like my heart is breaking but all she ever brings me is pain. I just want her to be my Mum like other people have but I know she won’t ever be that. Please be gentle with your responses. I don’t normally post on here but it’s a busy thread and I don’t know what to do.

It’s really sad, but I think that if she is still a drinker then you have to either keep her out of your life or impose very very strong boundaries. If she is still drinking and your children are young then I would be inclined to stay out of it. It is too much of a roller coaster. Of course you want to help her and to have a good relationship, but in my experience this cannot happen when someone is a heavy drinker. Too unpredictable and their only real loyalty is to alcohol.

OP in the gentlest way possible- you want a Mum like you see others have. One to have a coffee and a chat with. One who will say “you have terrible flu. Let me watch the kids whilst you rest”. This is only natural. You want a close nurturing relationship with your mum, but the reality is that she can’t or won’t provide this because of her addiction issues, she isn’t able to give you what you crave.

I know it’s hard. and you have every right to grieve for the relationship you should have had.

I have a toxic and violent sister who’s my only blood family. I haven’t spoke to her in 5 years.

As difficult as it is to admit that someone will never be the person we want them to be, the person we hope they'll be, sometime self-preservation means we have to admit defeat and let go. It's incredibly hard, but accepting that someone isn't the parent we needed or hoped for is almost necessary in order for you to lead a peaceful and happy life. Especially now that you have DC of your own. It's a long process, learning to grieve for what you've not had. But a vital one.

It’s the same with me ourmiracle she is my only family, all the rest are dead. I’ve given her so many chances but it’s the same every time and now I’m scared to see her as I know how it always ends. But she’s funny and I know she loves me in her way when she can. Her life has been tough. But as I said my dcs don’t really know her as I can’t let her cause them the pain she has caused me. I didn’t think she’d try and contact me really and I wish she wouldn’t as it feels like it reopens the wounds all over again. I just miss her so much.

As pp's have said, she will never be the mum you want her to be. Accepting that is incredibly hard but it is possible. All the parenting that you need you have to do for yourself, as odd as that sounds.

My mum also has her own issues and pain that prevent her from being a parent to me. She did all the practical things ie, food, clothes etc but my siblings and I were emotionally neglected at best and abused at worst. When I was in therapy years ago I learned to parent myself by imagining looking after a little girl and keeping her safe, ie little me. It helped that my youngest ds was about 2 at the time so I could easily envisage taking care of this little girl as well as my own dc. So, whenever I was in emotional pain and craving someone to take care of me I would imagine cuddling the little girl and snuggling her up on the sofa with blankets and teddies and a sippy cup and putting a favourite TV programme on. It sounds odd but it worked. My craving for 'mummy' eventually disappeared and hasn't ever reappeared. It took about 6 months.