How do you deal with these feelings?

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I'm on mat leave with my first. We only have a few weeks left together before I go back to work.
I'm really struggling with how I feel about friendships and essentially having a foot in each camp (baby vs friends.)
I know when you have a baby, people leave you to it. I have found it hard to make 'mum' friends but I get out to lots of baby groups and talk to different people and try my best. I don't really have any mum friends to meet up with outside of these groups.
I love my work colleagues they are my friends and like a second family to me.
I met up with some last night and it hit me how out of the loop I am. They absolutely adore my maternity cover and will be sad to see her go when I come back. My closest friend is my DS's godmother. She is devistated that my mat cover will be leaving as they can't find a position for her.
It really hurt they way they were discussing this. I felt so much on the outside.
Then I felt incredibly guilty that I felt like this when my DS and husband should be enough, right?
Gosh, I'm an awful person. I just hate myself.

Oh god you’re not an awful person at all.
I couldn’t make any proper friends at baby groups, I found some people so cleaky and others very closed- either way it wasn’t worth the effort. However now I’m back at work I don’t think it matters, I barely have time to see my actual friends. I know some people rate the app Mush if you are keen to keep meeting other mums.
Re: work, I think it’s completely normal to feel torn between your new normal and your old sense of self. Just be assured you will start to feel like your old self once back in the swing of work, your friends are still your friends- I think you’re over analysing due to this big transition coming up

It’s pretty mean if your colleagues to talk about your mat cover like that in front of you. I assume you’ve been there a long time to have such established friends at work. I’m of the opinion that it’s great to have friends at work that you might see out of work when you’re there, but once you’ve left they usually drift even with best of intentions.
It can be hard to make ‘mum’ friends unless you’ve done NCT or similar. I met a couple of nice mums at playgroup but it was more when my 2nd was born!
I definitely couldn’t survive with just dh and my kids for company. My kids are teens and let’s say they aren’t that interested in their old mother(!). My friends definitely keep me sane even if we’re just messaging, why do you think it’s bsd to want more than your dh and ds (who’s a baby so not company in that sense).?

You are not an awful person. Your feelings are quite natural, however it it's not an either/or situation. They can be pleased you are coming back but also at the same time, be very upset they are losing the other person. Please don't take it too personally.

And as much as I love my immediate family, I need friends too so don't feel guilty about that.

Of course your family isn't enough. Don't feel guilty. As a new mother, it is imperative that you get out and socialise. I would keep trying with the baby groups, in my experience, persistence usually pays off and friendships form.
It was incredibly tactless of your colleagues to go on about your mat cover like that and they should have at least mentioned how glad they would be to have you back.

only fools thank you. I might check that app out.

justdance I think it's a throw back from my DM. She valued family over friends so much more. She doesn't have a lot of friends. I used to think that's how it should be.

It's hard not to take it personally. I realise that I am (I am certainly over thinking it.) this lady is my second mat cover (first one had to leave) she's only been covering for a month a d has obviously made a fantastic impression.
Before I had DS, I was on track for management. That's all been put to one side now as I'm condensing my workload into 4 days and they would prefer conventional full timer mamagement.
I think this has bothered me too and the whole thing makes me wish I could just pick up our lives and start over somewhere new.

I don’t think they would have spoken to you about the mat cover if they didn’t think you knew how much they think of you, if that makes sense? They probably thought they’re just telling you how nice she is / how much you’d like her because you are secure in how well thought of you are?

My family are definitely not enough!! I have days when I can’t wait to get away from them tbh and I also have days when I don’t fancy going out with friends, I just want to stay with them.

I don’t beat myself up because I know how much I love my family and I do all I can but I’m only human.

Perhaps these feelings are coming up because you’re due to go back to work? There’s probably so much swimming around in your head. Maybe get your feelings down on paper, that always helps me 💐