To ask if all men expect sex and see it as a right ?

[Namechangedspecifically]

To give some background, myself and dp have always had a healthy consensual sex life.

However I have been raped in the past by my ex, I told a couple of people but have not felt believed in a ‘well you were in a relationship was it really rape’ type way.

There have been a couple of times over the last few weeks where my sex drive has tapered off. I’m in my 40’s I am peri-menopausal according to the doctor and it is to be expected.

He has left me feeling pretty crappy over the last couple of times I’ve rejexted his advances. He said he is feeling frustrated.

This has triggered something in me where I have got really angry and upset. I’ve been dwelling on the past quite a lot since the whole me too movement and I genuinely now believe men feel like they are owed sex and expect their partner to go through with sex even if they are not up for it

AIBU? I feel like I’m being dragged down by depression at the moment and am hugely focusing on the past. I need some perspective and some advice.

YANBU to be annoyed by his attitude! All men are definitely not like this ( my dh isn't for example)

Given that you were raped previously it is particularly abhorrent that your partner is making you feel guilty about this. I don't think I could ever have sex again with someone who made me feel guilty for choosing not to on particular occcasions. From then on for me the whole thing would be tainted.

The obvious parallels with your previous experience with your ex will naturally make you more sensitive to this. So your reaction is reasonable and understandable.

I think men are taught that there is something wrong and inadequate about them if women will not have sex with them. So a rejection can feel like a very negative judgement of their worth.

I think there are some arguments that men expect to receive unconditional love from women as a replication of the unconditional love they received from their mother and this would lead to a sense of entitlement, but I don't really know enough about psychology to judge.

Thinking back every relationship I’ve been in at some point the man has tried to cajole me into sex when i may not have wanted too

That's one of the saddest things I've read on here

You've been dating some shitbags; sounds like maybe you still are?

Not all men are like this; my fiance isn't.

No not all men are like this.

My ex was. But I’m choosy since and if a man made me feel crappy like that he would only ever do it once.

No, all men do not think like this. My own DH, for instance, has been very patient with some long dry spells (because of my lack of drive at times).

I am sorry to hear you are so depressed. Perimenopause can be a difficult time, but have you considered therapy to discuss your rape? I think this needs to be unpacked as I am sure it's there at the back of your mind all the time and hasn't been processed properly.

Im sorry you are feeling bad.

I think it's normal to expect your life partner to have sex with you (not every time you want it but in general). Is that "expecting" sex? When you're in a serious relationship sex (and procreation I guess) is the main thing you're not allowed to do with anyone else so yes you expect to be able to do it w your partner - unless celibacy/an open relationship have been discussed and agreed.

I'm not like that so there for not all men are.

There's a difference between 'trying it on' and 'cajoling' and I don't think a lot of men realise that. They think with perseverance they'll get what they want.

Sounds stupid but I blame movies and TV shows a little bit. How many times have they showed a woman resisting the mans advances but he preservers and pressures and eventually 'wins'

No - not all men "expect" sex.

Men that I allow into my life are only those that want sex if I am eager.

Any man that shows an unhealthy tendency to cajole is gone from my life.

no not all men are like, decent men are not.

No wonder you’re feeling so sad and triggered by his behaviour.x

If you're talking about men expecting sex on tap, whenever you're called upon, that's not normal, no. If you just mean generally, then yes. I think most men and women do reasonably expect to have sex with their partner in a mutually enjoyable fashion from time to time.

Perhaps it's not so much expecting you to have sex when you don't want to, but more about expecting you to want to have sex.

Also - I get why you did - but I wouldn't link sex in a relationship to the me too movement. That is about men just using women in a disgusting way. It's not remotely the same as wanting to have meaningful sex with your partner, and all of the bonding and healing that can come with that.

But it's all about context. If you explain the context then your DP should understand. I don't want to make nasty comments about other peoples DP, but if he has all of the context you've given us, and isn't giving you the support you need, then...

He has left me feeling pretty crappy over the last couple of times I’ve rejexted his advances. He said he is feeling frustrated.

My marriage has been sexless for long spells and has been low on sex throughout.

It isn't a situation and being married to someone who isn't really sexually attracted to you any more doesn't do much for your self esteem , but no I don't think I have a 'right to sex.'

I don't want it with someone who is a reluctant participant and I would be mortified if my wife felt under pressure to have sex with me.

Given your past experience, I think your husband is being totally insensitive and selfish.