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AIBU?

AIBU or DH?

14 replies

Wheresmybloodykeys · 05/10/2018 19:14

Long back story, I'll try to condense it down. My DH until 6 months ago was emotionally abusive. He was having some difficulties (family & work) & seemed to use me as his emotional punchbag. For over a year he was awful to be around, ignoring me, name calling, criticising me constantly & making me generally feel like shit Hmm

He is now in anti depressants & has improved greatly. The effects of this behaviour on me have been huge & im not sure whether I'll ever be able to forgive or forget, time will tell.

Before he started acting that way I took out a large loan for him in my name (unpaid tax bill from before I met him!) which tbf he pays every month with no quibble.

He now wants me to increase the loan so he can get a new car. I have no interest in this as the car we have is fine Confused. Because of his behaviour & the vulnerable position I'm in I've asked him to sign something to say this is his responsibility/nothing to do with me so in the event that he has another episode/leaves me I will not be responsible for this large amount. He has agreed BUT in return he wants me to sign something to say the money we have in savings will all be his!! (I won't agree for the savings to be used for a new car).

I know that if he was to go back to acting how he was previously I would not be able to stay so would be worried that I would be in a financially precarious position. (Have 2 small DC).

Hope it's not too confusing!

OP posts:
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garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/10/2018 19:18

the simple solution to this is for you NOT to get a loan for him. don't sign anything giving him your savings.

he needs to get a car loan himself or save up for a car

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Holidayfromreal · 05/10/2018 19:20

Tell him that you don't feel safe enough in the relationship to commit to something so big right now and you will reconsider if and when you feel more secure in the relationship. If he really is trying and wants to change his ways he will understand.

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RedPanda2 · 05/10/2018 19:25

Tell him no. Honestly I don't think the thing he signed would be legally binding anyway as the loan is in your name. If he wants a new car he'll have to save or get it in his own name when his credit improves.
He sounds like a twat

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KarmaStar · 05/10/2018 19:30

Hello OP,
I would not,under any circumstances do either for this man.Look at what he is asking of you:you are in debt already to pay off his debt,he then wants you to add to this debt and to hand over all your savings?
Imho his emotional abuse has not stopped.
If you split up you will have his debt,despite having a note from him(if he signed it)the loan would still be your responsibility,the loan company would not transfer it to him.the courts may take it into consideration when dividing assets but that's it.
Be careful op,don't leave yourself in big debt.Look out for your dc and yourself.Flowers

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PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 05/10/2018 19:34

Are your savings safe? Or could he just take them all and buy a car without telling you first?

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Sethis · 05/10/2018 19:34

He wants to buy a car.

What relevance do the savings have? How does HIM increasing YOUR loan from the bank entitle HIM to YOUR savings? Wouldn't that mean you were being taken to the cleaners coming and going? That doesn't make any sense.

If he wants a new car when your current one is perfectly functional then tell him to save up out of his own pocket. If you don't have unlimited personal funds then upgrading a car should be the last thing on his mind with 2 small DC in the picture. How about saving for emergencies etc etc?

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garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/10/2018 21:14

are the savings joint? How does the size of the savings compare with the size of the debt?

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fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2018 21:19

Don’t do it.

Divorce him.

His way he expects you to have a massive debt.

He has a brand new car and a cash lump sum.

You get nothing but a huge liability. No do not do it.

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fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2018 21:20

He’s already benefitted from you going into debt to get him out of debt. Why on earth do that in the first place.

As it’s done, do not dig yourself in any deeper.

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Babdoc · 05/10/2018 21:24

So he used to be emotionally abusive. Now he’s financially abusive. Do you really think that’s some sort of improvement?
For goodness sake, OP, leave him.
You’ve simply changed from being his punchbag to being his ATM.

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Itsnotmesothere · 05/10/2018 21:37

Please see the pattern, OP. This man is horrendously abusive. Get out now.

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Stefoscope · 05/10/2018 22:23

No, don't do it! The bank won't care about a signed agreement between you and your DH. If the loan is in your name and the payments stop, it will be you they go after for the money.

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CommanderDaisy · 05/10/2018 22:36

Nope.
Do not do it.
And I have no idea if this is possible, but I'd be suggesting that the initial large loan be transferred into his name if there is no underlying reason that he cannot get such a loan. ( Banker type MN'ers - can that be done?)
New cars are such a waste of money when you already have a functional one. You are already carrying the weight of his fuck-up - why should he also get a shiny toy out of it?
I'd also remove his access ( if he has it) from your savings.
Asshat of a man.

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Doingreat · 05/10/2018 23:22

He is abusive. He hasn't changed. Just changed tactics.

Don't take out a penny more for him. You can't trust him at all and really need to consider leaving him. What he put you through was horrific. I would not forgive nor forget.

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