AIBU?
Another MIL Thread
Pixiedust2017 · 05/10/2018 18:45
I apologise but I really need a rant as I am currently extremely upset and now at the end of my tether.
I have been having issues with MIL since the birth of my (now 9 month old) baby. Some of the things she does on a regular basis are:
Comes into my house without knocking (but she has arranged a visit) and doesn't say hello to me or acknowledge me in any way. A few months ago I timed it and it took her 21 minutes to say anything to me whilst in MY house and when I was approx 4 ft away from her the entire time.
Not feeding my baby when she took her out for a 4 hour walk when she was about 4 months old, but making the time to take lots of selfies with her whilst sat in the park.
Makes what I call "snarky" comments about me to my baby "Oh but mummy says you can't do that" etc.
One time when we went out for lunch I met them after work and she had arranged the table so I couldn't sit next to my child and then proceeded to hand her around to other family members like a toy doll. (The family members hadn't met my baby before and had come to meet her).
She often refuses to hand my child back to me (A few weeks ago in the shop she said holding my child was hurting my back so I said I would take her, and went to go take her off her and she turned away and said "No, I'm fine!")
Last night she came to spend the night as my partner and her were/are taking my baby to Aus for a week to visit family. I didn't want to go with them partially due to the cost as me going adds a couple of thousand dollars to the trip and we have just bought a house and partially I couldn't stand the thought of having to spend a week with her, slowly driving me insane. I wanted my partner to take our baby to see the family though as I feel it is important that they meet her and some of the family are too frail to travel overseas to come see us.
Last night, when I came home after work, I said hello to her twice, both times she blanked me.
She kept trying to distract and play with our child whilst I was holding/playing with her. (I wanted to spend some quality time with her before they went.)
She spent ages dithering at the dinner table at dinner time as she blatantly wanted to take my seat at the table next to our LO, until my partner told her where her seat was.
She spent ages fussing in the the baby's room when it had been made clear it was her bed time and the lights needed to be out and we needed quiet until my partner blatantly told her she needed to turn the lights out.
She asked me "is this the longest time you would have been away from LO" (which she bloody well knows it is!) to which I replied, "well, yes, most mothers don't leave their children for any period of time this young at all..." (as in maybe some gratitude would be nice as you are getting to spend a whole week with your grandchild and taking her to see YOUR family?) to which she then promptly ignored.
I tried to involve her in the packing by asking whether she wanted me to pack shoes for LO and what ones to which I just got given snarky rude comments back.
And to top it all off and the specific thing that has upset me the most. This morning when I was tucking LO into the pram and saying goodbye she stands right behind me and starts trying to distract LO and says things like "Are you going to wave to Nana?" "Come on wave to Nana!". I am so livid. She is my child! I just wanted to give her a cuddle and a kiss and say goodbye and she couldn't even stop being so rude and insensitive for 10 minutes!
AIBU to want some damn respect?! I try to be as nice as possible and polite. I have never hindered contact with MIL and LO ever. I have attempted to let her be involved throughout pregnancy and until now. My own mother has suggested that because of the snarky comments about me she makes to my child I should stop all unsupervised contact without me there. AIBU to severely limit contact when we get back? I am so upset that she could be so rude and treat me like this.
Thanks for reading, Sorry it is so long :(
GreenTulips · 05/10/2018 18:55
Yep
You need to take bck control and not expect her to hand the baby back - take her
Why does she need to revel so far to keep DHs relatives happy?
You know DH will be catching up with friends and leaving his mother to care for his daughter don't you?
He needs to step up and you need a serious chat with him
BiscuitsAndGravy · 05/10/2018 18:55
She sounds awful. Have you spoken to your partner about this?
lostvoice · 05/10/2018 18:55
I would ask DH to say something, I can't imagine anything getting easier once they are back if not?
If it was my mother I would speak to her if she did that to DH, and DH would for me.
grandparents do get overly excited though and she sounds really eager to be involved, which for many is great. Could a middle ground be found?
Bighouseinthesticks · 05/10/2018 19:00
I agree with your mother! You've been far more forgiving of her carry on than I woud have been, my 9 month old would nor be going away for a week without me regardless of who they were going to see. It sounds like your spending alot of time with her, why if she's being horrible? Reduce the amount of time you see her, if she can't respect you she doesn't see baby. I have similar issues with my Mil and we've had to put in firm boundaries, so they know they have to at least pretend to be nice to me now
Pixiedust2017 · 05/10/2018 19:00
I have mentioned it to him twice in the past at least.
The first time was about her ignoring me to which he said "she probably can't hear you"
And the second time was after she hadn't fed LO when out with her on the walk (As I was very upset and so was LO, she was crying for ages afterwards and it took me ages to work out it was because she was starving as I had incorrectly assumed that MIL would have fed her. As I packed 2 bottles up for her told her where they were and specifically stated she needed feeding every 3 hours and what time to feed her) To which he really didn't have much to say about it.
A couple of people I have told this to have said it is probably because he has had this all of his life and he thinks it is normal behaviour. The stories MIL tells me about his upbringing are exceptionally eyebrow raising to me...
And no, he won't be out with friends, he has no friends in Aus only family as most of his family emigrated there a decade or so ago.
He is a great father, looks after LO so well and always spends a lot of time with her. So no issues there at all.
Spudina · 05/10/2018 19:09
I wouldn't let anyone disrespect me in my own house like that. And frankly your DH needs to be standing up for you. I'd tell him she winds her head in or she stops visiting and let him sort it. Can he really not see what's going on? You have been more than patient OP. I would have lost it by now.
lexi727 · 05/10/2018 19:10
Oh my god! I can't believe you are letting your LO go to Australia without you! She sounds horrible, genuinely. She's doing it in a sly, underhanded way which is difficult. Because some people would just say 'oh she's just an enthusiastic grandmother' but she's not, she's being a bitch. You need to set clear boundaries and stick to them. She seems to think that your LO is her child, rather than grandchild and that is something you need to nip in the bud ASAP because it will escalate.
Pixiedust2017 · 05/10/2018 19:15
My mum has met MIL (Mum came over from UK, for a few months when LO was born). She seems to think that MIL is just socially inept and not doing it maliciously and is not aware she is doing it. But it is so hard for me not to think it is all deliberate and calculated... As I just can't understand how she cannot see what she is doing and how it is not only affecting me but also will affect LO who is now becoming more aware and picking up on things.
Its even harder for me personally as my parents are so far away and MIL is a half hour drive. I know it upsets my parents that MIL treats me like this and also gets to spend all this time with LO which they are missing out on :(
crispysausagerolls · 05/10/2018 19:20
Sorry but I would not have allowed her to take my baby to Australia. I understand your husband is going too but this is absolutely outrageous. Someone who can’t even acknowledge you and undermines your parenting and DOES NOT FEED YOUR BABY should not be allowed any time with her. At all. It’s a shame your DH is not supporting you.
Fragolino · 05/10/2018 19:24
The problem is deliberate or not she has no sensitivity etc.
She is vying for mum role with you. Your giving her this role to aus.
When she gets back I think she will be off the scale in unreasonable Ness. Its going. to be a nightmare.
Not sure what yiu can do about it.
lboogy · 05/10/2018 19:25
I can't believe you're allowing your baby to go all the way to aus without you! You're a better woman than me
MiL needs talking to. I think you need to meet up with her for a coffee and explain how you're feeling. I'd run it past your DH first though as he'll be angry if he feels you've deliver upset his mother
MILs over excitement can lead to them being very insensitive to you and your needs
Pixiedust2017 · 05/10/2018 19:29
@Iboogy I doubt very much this makes me a better woman than anyone, I understand very much that letting them do will be looked down by a great number of people. Family is very important to me as I am an only child from a small family (There are now me, mum and dad left unfortunately) and I very much want my child to know her family and them to know her. It is very important to DH his family is involved as his father suddenly passed away 8 or so years ago and his family in Aus is his only link to his dad as none of his dad's relatives live in here in NZ.
MacosieAsunter · 05/10/2018 19:29
Where are you OP - coz if your mum visited from the UK, it implies you are reasonably close to OZ?
happypoobum · 05/10/2018 19:35
I don't understand - how is she just walking into your house?
What does DH say about how disgustingly rude she is to you?
Why are you tolerating this women treating you like this - and why is your DH not sticking up for you? I could not live like this.
Holidayshopping · 05/10/2018 19:36
She sounds awful-I wouldn’t have let my babies go without me at that age
Bighouseinthesticks · 05/10/2018 19:39
Why do you want your child to know her, she doesn't show you any respect. How is it good for the child to see someone who doesn't like and undermines their mother?
crispysausagerolls · 05/10/2018 19:45
She is vying for mum role with you
This!!!!! It’s like that horrible
Little house book!!!!
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