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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for my DVDs back and then go completely NC?

22 replies

CurlyRover · 05/10/2018 13:48

My parents went pretty much NC last year when I told them to fuck off (long story, will post link to my original thread).

I gave up sending any sort of cards through to them at the start of this year - father's day, birthday etc as I thought it was pointless and they obviously didn't want me in their lives.

I stupidly told them when I had an accident at work as I was taken to the hospital in a pretty bad way and thought they'd want to know. They didn't, obviously. They didn't even express the slightest concern or ask if I was okay.

Earlier this week I found out it was my maternal Grandma's 80th birthday party last Friday. I wasn't invited as Mum "didn't want to see or speak to me as it would ruin the evening". Everyone else had assumed she'd invited me so didn't bother mentioning it to me until afterwards. My Grandma was actually pretty upset I wasn't there.

I'm so hurt that my mum couldn't put aside what's happened between us for the sake of my Grandma.

Long story short, my parents have a few of my DVD boxsets which I lent them a couple of years ago before this all kicked off.

WIBU to ask them to post my DVDs and then block them from my life forever?

OP posts:

Original poster

CurlyRover · 05/10/2018 13:48

Here's my original thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3099462-To-have-told-them-to-fuck-off

OP posts:

BMW6 · 05/10/2018 14:02

I wouldn't bother getting DVDs back. Totally replaceable, unlike your self-esteem. If you ask for them I have no doubt they would use it against you.

Mulberry72 · 05/10/2018 14:07

I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of contacting them over a few DVDs.

Just stay NC. They sound horrid.

WerewolfNumber1 · 05/10/2018 14:08

Do youcare that much about the DVDs?

Just forget them.

And make clear to your other relatives that you have no contact with your parents but would like to see them.

Comeymemo · 05/10/2018 14:22

Forget about the DVDs. Take the high road if you really don’t want them in your life.

But the way you wrote the OP, it seems like you still want them to care for you and you want their attention. In which case, you better find a positive way to reconcile, rather than ‘demanding’ some items (DVDs) from them (even if they originally belong to you).

The symbolism (you want physical possessions because they won’t give you love) is quite strong.

mrcharlie · 05/10/2018 14:33

I'm in the same position as you Curly
I asked my parents to leave last Christmas and never return, also cut all ties with siblings bar one...but I haven't kept in touch with the one I didn't fall out with.
I'm just completely not interested. And, like you my parents had a fair few box sets of mine too. The ones I really missed I replaced off eBay (still haven't watched them yet!!) in your shoes I'd leave be and move on.

Hillarious · 05/10/2018 14:33

Having looked at your previous posting, I think it's just time for you to make your own decisions.

In my experience, for what it's worth, DVDs just sit there and collect dust.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 05/10/2018 14:46

@Comeymemo yes I can see how my OP came across that way. I don't think anything I say or do is ever going to make them care. Things like my work accident and my Grandmas birthday are quite recent events though so I'm still very upset about them. Even though I know things are never going to change, that doesn't change the upset and hurt I feel. Tbh I wasn't even going to tell them when I got taken to hospital but my Grandma said I should tell them as she'd have wanted to know if that'd happen to her DC. In theory that's true, I mean I'd definitely want to know if that happened to DSD regardless of any arguments we may had had - but then I guess that's a normal parent - child relationship (or stepparent-stepdaughter in the case of my DSD) whereas the relationship with my parents clearly isn't normal. I think if anything the accident and the party have just reinforced how selfish and uncaring they are.

I wasn't at all thinking demanding the DVDs back would make them care. It's more that they've got the last series of one I'm watching at the moment and along with that in the same case they've got a few of my other boxsets too.

I think you're all right though. I should just re-buy the DVDs shouldn't I.

@Hillarious sorry what do you mean about make my own decisions? Do you mean in terms of how to move forwards?

@mrcharlie I'm sorry you're in a similar boat. Do you think it's made your mental health better by going NC?

OP posts:

Hillarious · 05/10/2018 14:49

How to move forward, OP. We're a bunch of strangers who don't know the personalities involved, some of us are quick to come in with advice without asking further questions or knowing the full story and it would be wrong for you to make any decisions based on what's said here.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 05/10/2018 14:57

I see what you're saying @Hillarious

I think it helps just to talk it through with impartial people though tbh.

OP posts:

Hillarious · 05/10/2018 15:00

But we can we be impartial with half the story? Are you able to see things from your parents side at all?

Jamiefraserskilt · 05/10/2018 15:02

Forget the dvds. Visit grandma and explain that you would have been there had you known and to contact you direct about social stuff in future. Just go nc. It is not going to work out and is not worth headspace.

gassylady · 05/10/2018 15:06

Had you sent a card for your grandmother anyway? You can’t go NC and expect a reminder about important occasions/dates

Clutterbugsmum · 05/10/2018 15:08

What dvd’s are they. I’m guessing you could replace them a lot less then what it would cost you if you were to contact your parents.

Aprilislonggone · 05/10/2018 15:10

Let them keep them as a reminder of how bloody awful they have treated you.
Ebay for replacements.
*nc with both dps as they are frankly both crap.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 05/10/2018 15:14

You can’t go NC and expect a reminder about important occasions/dates

@gassylady but they were specifically asked to pass on an invite for me. They didn't tell the other person they'd rather not so could someone else do it. They just didn't tell anyone and then pretended I chose not to come. How was I to know a surprise party had been organised for her? My family don't normally do parties so I had no idea.

OP posts:

KC225 · 05/10/2018 15:16

What series is it? Maybe someone bbcan help you locate it cheaply. Contacting them for the DVDs will be used as a rod to beat you with - unless you are looking for bban excuse to force contact.

KC225 · 05/10/2018 15:18

Contact your grandmother and tell her you didn't know about the invitation s things have been strained between you and your parents and leave it at that. Go an visit but taken the higher ground when discussing your parents.

mrcharlie · 05/10/2018 15:20

mrcharlie I'm sorry you're in a similar boat. Do you think it's made your mental health better by going NC?

Without a doubt.
My partner tells me I'm much more relaxed these days. The anxiety attacks after parents left would put me in a foul mood for days, then just as I'd come round...they'd turn up again!!
I want nothing to do with them. I have no intention of ever seeing them again and will probably not attend family funerals, weddings etc etc either.
It's my life and my family that come first to hell with everyone else! Sorry if that sounds aggressive but after being treat like a mushroom for decades I/We are enjoying our new found freedom.

gassylady · 05/10/2018 15:29

I see ( that was petty of them ) I misread that you had missed her birthday as well as the birthday party

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2018 15:30

How awful of them.
I agree with others though, don't bother trying to get the boxsets back, they'll only make it difficult for you and enjoy doing so. Just re-buy them.

And I expect you've already contacted your grandma, but just in case you haven't, do call her and tell her how sad you are that no one told you about the surprise party and how much you would have loved to have been there if only someone had mentioned it to you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/10/2018 15:40

I agree with visit your Grandma, it sounds like she still wants contact with you. See if there are nay other family members who still do and make an effort to stay in touch with them. Explain what has happened. Forget the dumb party, it wouldhave been horrible anyway. Take your gran out for a celebration for the two of you instead.
Forget the box sets. Get Amazon Prime or Netflix instead. It does sound a bit like an attempt to prod them for a reaction again. I suspect you could find yourself hurt again.
Focus on building up your own life and making your own plans and don't hark back to what "happy families" are supposed to do. Its a myth.
This is your life and if they are abusive, you have to ask whether they add anything to it. They are unlikely to change, but perhaps you should find someone to talk to about this in RL so that you can make a more informed decision about how to proceed.

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