Dad to collect from school yes or no ?

[GrannyMac2018]

Background exdp (kids dad) sees ds12 and dd7 eow fri 8pm - sun 8pm. For the last year or so no issues - prior to that would be late often.
Last week kids dad found out I left dd7 with my male friend/exdp of 3.5years (who has two sons himself) for approx 20 Mom while I dropped my mom to work. Kids dad flipped about this news decided he’s not in the kids life / involved enough and his idea to pick them up eow Friday from school is his solution.
Tbh that’s great I’ve been asking him to collect one school day every time he says he doesn’t see them enough but he’s always said it’s not possible. Now it suddenly is.
However given his track record for time keeping and as it’s my dad (kids grandad) whocollects on a Friday , does kids dinner , kids enjoy seeing him - I asked kids dad via text on Sunday evening to confirm plans before I inform school / my dad - no response. I then text again Monday eve said I need to by Tuesday to let my dad know - nothing. Wednesday eve a random ‘ok’ text. Didn’t not reply to that.
Thursday evening he text asking where to collect kids from (dd is 8 he’s not collected her before) and can I let school know.
Aibu to say no - I cannot change plans last minute to suit him when I asked days ago. School do not know / it’s not fair on my dad or the kids - dd especially was crying about not seeing grandad and it being grandads day dd would go with the flow but wanted to make sure grandad was ok with it.
Also dd doesn’t have the best relationship with her dad - sometimes does not want to go to his so in one way I do think the school pick ups would help but they need to be arranged properly and he needs to commit.
I work full time in a prison so rely on having reliable childcare and don’t organise it the night before.
Need thoughts please

Sorry but long !
** ds would go with the flow !
Also I have suggested to kids dad he collect them from 4pm onwards if he wants to see them it’s just the school pick up I’m struggling with.
And his eow pick up would be the one he doesn’t have the kids to stay

YANBU he sounds inconsistent and the kids enjoy their time with grandad so I'd leave things as they are.

He's within his rights to want to do a pick up (even if his motives seem suspect given the sudden turn).

He's not within his rights to demand to do a pick up, ignore your attempts to make arrangements, have your dad in limbo around him only to decide last minute he does want to do it.

Until he commits to a fixed arrangement or agrees to do odd Fridays with notice to inform school then you're entirely reasonable to carry on with the existing arrangement.

I’d reply
“Really glad you’re going to be having extra time with them. We’ll need to begin in two weeks (or whenever) as I can’t change plans now for today, so will tell School you’ll be collecting from xxx. Let’s trial it till Christmas and see how it goes, check it works for us all”

@worknamechanged
That’s exactly what I suggested - I’ll inform school and Friday 19th arrangements can begin. Gives him enough time to take dd past the school one weekend and she can show him the door to collect before hand. I can let my school / dad know in advance too.
Thanks for replies. I get accused of ‘preventing contact’ so needed to check others viewpoints

If it's already working well I honestly wouldn't change things. If your ex is a poor time keeper and will often collect them late, school won't be happy and they'll inform ss.

They can see their dad one friday and their grandad the next Friday? I don't see the problem with that. Why not try to let him do it today. Let your dad know and ask him to be stand by this once just in case any issues

Ask him to start from next week, it's not fair on your dad to mess him round, and the children also need to know what's happening.

@EK36 eow one pick up is not a big ask. Ds walks home alone (5min) worst case I would let school know if he doesn’t turn up keep dd at after school club (not let him know that) then arrangement would cease going forward.
Two days a week she’s in after school club the other three luckily my parents help - so they do have other ‘grandad’ days - just as you said it works now why mess it up for their unreliable dad, I suppose trialling it is the best option.
He tends to not be as keen if I’m in agreement so I’ll just nod my head for the 19th and fingers crossed it’s not just a phase.

@damia I agree alternate weeks is fine. However my dad lives 35 minute drive from school kids Dad 2 hours on motorway. I can’t be on tenterhooks at work with Dad on standby in case ex is in traffic etc.
I think planning it in advance for the 19th is best for everyone including dd who likes to know where she’s at.

The fact he is unreliable and might be late is NOT your problem.

I wouodnt actually arrange the after school club just in case but let the school know about the new arrangement so that he is the one to be contacted and it’s HIS responsibility to be there in time (and get a bollocking if he is late)

If he is living 2 hours away, I suspect that means he will need to take every other Friday afternoon off which he might or might not want to do, esp if the real reason why he wants to do that has nothing to do with seeing his dcs more.
But what you can’t do is organised things so that him been late isnt issue as such (I assume you would be paying for the after school club too!!) because you can be sure he will make the most out of that Get of out jail card.

You really need to remember that if riles were reversed you would just plan around the raffia etc etc be sure you were in time.
You wouldn’t expect anyone to be ‘on tender hooks at work’ when yOu are going to pick your dcs.
So why why the father of your dcs somehow be exempt of the responsibility of been on time?

Thanks for your replies they have really helped.

OP
I would let him pick up from school and let school know.
If he doesn't turn up, tell child to go back into school, and they will call you.

If he is unreliable he will demonstrate that.

Just an update on this - we made arrangements for today and he allows Wednesday evening to say something had come up he can't collect today. Oh well.
Thanks for your replies above hough it helped at the time

Ah well-that's helpful then and you can forget about it