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Almost everything is going wrong

22 replies

Notabee · 05/10/2018 05:42

This may not the right bit to post under, apologies if so. Lots is part of aibu though.
I’ll keep it as short as I can, but I don’t know what to do and advice would be really appreciated.
I’ve been under the old tax credit system and have always worked although in the more recent years I’ve had to go part time. Work is really important to me as it gives me some identity and a chance of being financially independent.
I have long term physical and mental health issues and now get pip.
I’m meant to be off ill and I’m 2 weeks post surgery with another 6 week recovery time. I’m currently unable to drive, lift anything even remotely heavy, bend.. you get the drift.
I am a single parent with 2 teen dc.
Both have their own issues although that part is complicated and hard to explain. I don’t want to out myself either.
This week has been a really bad week, or at least it feels that way.
I’ve had a post op complication and I’m back on bed rest.
I am not coping. I hate not even being able to easily just make a coffee. You should see the house. It’s very quickly become messy, dirty with a huge washing pile. Yes, even in just 2 weeks.
I hate relying on others. A few close friends have helped out a little but I don’t like to over ask. I’m aware everyone has their own stuff.
My dc are virtually not helping (despite being asked, lots now) and we’ve really come to blows. I’m not asking much. Just occasionally sticking the hoover round or putting on a load of washing. Even just heating up food.
To add to it I have now just lost my work contract.
If I claim a financial change I will go straight to the new universal credit system and it means I’ll be a LOT worse off. Even more so when (if..) I find a new job as I can’t go back the old system. I’ve been desperately applying for anything remotely possible today but it’s hard. I’m on a lot of painkillers and I’m not exactly myself. Plus I have no idea how I’ll even get to an interview if I’m lucky enough to get one.
The final straw was yesterday afternoon when my dc basically said they hate me and that I’m useless. You can imagine how lovely and valued I feel.
I called a taxi and I’ve left the house. I’ve been gone 12 hours and no ones even missed me.
I appreciate this is hard on my dc too but I’m disappointed on their absolute lack of any support. Maybe I’m asking too much. I have little choice.
I don’t know what to do.
I realise this actually isn’t that short now. Sorry.

OP posts:
MidnightVelvetthe7th · 05/10/2018 05:56

I care about you, where are you now? Where have you spent the night? Are you safe?

Notabee · 05/10/2018 06:05

Thank you for replying.
Yes I’m safe. I’ve gone to a travel lodge type place a few miles away. I can’t afford it but I didn’t care. I need to be out in 4 hours.
All I have with me are clean knickers, my phone charger and my painkillers plus regular tablets.

OP posts:
Notabee · 05/10/2018 06:11

Thank you for also saying you care.
I’m not sure many do!
This last week I think I’ve managed to push away anyone that did.

OP posts:
Minxmumma · 05/10/2018 06:15

Please let us know you have spend the night somewhere safe and warm.

You are not wrong to be asking for some help from your DC, they are teens not infants. Go home change the wifi password and take the power leads from their phones / tvs etc. Sit them down and very calmly explain that as of now any luxuries will be earnt. You have changed nappies, cleaned vomit and god knows what else for your DC, they can help a little now. If you get the whole I hate you blah blah just say I don't like you very much either right now.

Has your employer cancelled your contract while you were ill? Surely that's illegal. Citizens advice would be your best place to start with that I would think.

I'm sure they do miss you but don't want to lose face by appearing so.

You need to focus on one problem at a time and your health has to come first and DC need a reality check.


BarbarianMum · 05/10/2018 06:17

You are not asking too much from your teens. Sounds like you've been doing too much for them for too long. Angry

Right now is a low point but it can be better than this. It will be better than this if ypu can manage this low point.

Have ypu had any sleep? Right now you sound like you need to rest and recuperate. Any family you could stay with?

ohamIreally · 05/10/2018 06:21

Minxmumma has given good advice. Your DC need to step up. How old are they?

caffelatte100 · 05/10/2018 06:25

Oh poor you, it will get better. Have you explained to your DC how you are feeling?

Notabee · 05/10/2018 06:27

I tried to sit them down yesterday hence it really kicked off.
They know about the job situation, they know about the long term physical issues and the surgery. They even know about the complications I’ve had and have.
I am fuming with them. I really shouted and then got upset. They yelled, swore and 1 started throwing things.
I love them so much but you’re right, I don’t like them right now.
I hate feeling this vulnerable too.
I’ve not slept or eaten. The last thing I ate was breakfast yesterday as it’s something I can do for myself pretty much.
No family I can stay with. My dad is out the country and I am virtually NC with my mum. Not possible with my sibling.
I don’t want to go home.

OP posts:
Notabee · 05/10/2018 06:31

I meant to add that I don’t think the contract cancellation is illegal as they reserve the right to cancel it in the terms and I was on ‘holiday’ to start with as it’s on full pay as I was only entitled to SSP.

OP posts:
FlippinNora1 · 05/10/2018 06:48

Sending you a very big unmumsnetty hug (((xxx)))

You need to eat. Not eating won’t help you to get better. And it also makes you think less rationally. Please have some breakfast if you can.

Also, your kids don’t actually hate you. I used to have flaming rows with my mum as a teenager and yell that I hated her. I didn’t hate her, not one tiny bit. They may be shocked, annoyed or even scared that they are being asked to step up and help. They are just lashing out. The best way of dealing with them is by being calm and rational.

Please eat something x

MaudebeGonne · 05/10/2018 06:48

Oh, it sounds like an awful situation.your first priority is to get some food and some sleep. Once you have rested, you can start tackling the big jobs.

You mind find that once the teenagers have had a bit of time to process things they might improve. I would set them specific task - A - can you p,ease cook some food, wash the dishes and get some washig in, B, can you tidy up, dust and hoover. They can swap if they want but it needs to be done.

Work - this all sounds well dodge. Why were you on AL? Are you in a Union? Speak to HR. If you were sick, you should have been signed off as sick, you could the. Use your AL to help recuperate.

I am sorry you are going through this. Life can be very unfair.

Lulu1919 · 05/10/2018 06:49

I’m so sorry to read this
I’m glad you were safe
Please go and see your GP
As for your children as others have said

Urbanbeetler · 05/10/2018 06:56

What age are the teens? If they are adults then they need a swift shock.

Frouby · 05/10/2018 06:58

Poor you. And poor DCs as well. They have behaved badly, but teenagers are in a strange place themselves with school and exams and hormones and growing up. They are probably frightened by your health, angry at your health and angry that their lives are changing and they can't do anything about it.

How old are they? 14, 18? Is their father around at all?

You need to get your house sorted first. You won't get better if you aren't eating and you need the basics doing while you recover. Go home and ask again for help. Tell them you are in pain and are desperate to get better, but won't if you are doing housework and not eating properly.

Depending on their ages I don't know if I would tell them your other worries. An 18 year old then yes. A 14 year old no. An 18 year old should know about the financial stuff and understand your worries. A 14 year old should be worried about homework and exams.

Is it possible to speak to social services and see if there is any support for them fro. A Young Carers organisation?

With regards to your work/benefits situation I don't think you have any choice othet than to go onto the UC system. It stinks, it's rubbish and you will be worse off. But it's all you can do really and the sooner you start it, the sooner you will get it.

PollyPelargonium52 · 05/10/2018 07:13

Oh this sounds diabolical for you. If I was in the shits like that I would be calling the Samaritans for somebody to offload on to. At least they will listen.

I am not sure if ringing Parentline would help as well to offload but I know they are hard to get through to and they have limited hours.

Sorry to hear you have to go on to Universal Credit.

Is there an emergency credit card you can maybe buy food with for the foreseeable?

Good luck.

Butcowsdontgetmarried · 05/10/2018 07:14

You are not alone, unmumsnetty hugs and sympathy here!

It’s rubbish. You’ve just had surgery. You try so hard to manage everything no wonder it’s all come to a head. Don’t blame yourself.

Have you tried talking to someone? Even the Samaritans- it can help just to speak to someone and “offload” without there being any negative responses, just a listening ear.

When you go home, get the kettle on a table with some coffee and spoons, cups, even powdered or long life milk if needs be, next to where you sit or sleep, so you can at least have a cuppa easily.

The kids will either be avoidant, or arsey, or shamefaced. Under it all they are also probably worried, scared or upset (even if only for themselves!!!) they don’t even know how to deal with their own feelings let alone the whole situation.

Maybe the house will be messy for a few weeks, it doesn’t mean it will be like that forever. You’re really ill right now, so right now that’s not a priority. You are. Your health is. Put housework in the “fuck-it” bucket for a few days!

The work thing sucks but applying for jobs is probably a bit beyond you for a week or so. Go home, take the weekend “off” worrying and do something to distract from the worries, even if that’s reading, a stupid online game, listening to your favourite album from your youth...

Nightwatch999 · 05/10/2018 08:11

You will not be worse off claiming UTC, thats a myth. You need to get better because anything you do to jeopardise recovery could lead to longer time off work.

Ring HMRC, DWP, Council to try claim Hardship payments.

GoodStuffAnnie · 05/10/2018 08:17

How mobile are you? Just do 10 minutes of stuff. Wash on and wash up. Hoovering can wait.

Call in any favours you can? Do you rent or own? I would ditch doing anything about the job right now. I would spend 2 weeks getting better. Remember just because doctors say 6 w recovery it doesn’t mean it will be that.

Honestly honestly this will pass. Keep calm and plod on.

Notabee · 06/10/2018 07:29

I’m sorry I couldn’t easily get back on yesterday but thank you for replying.
My dc are 16 and 18. Before I went in I spoke to them about how I’d likely be. They said they’d help, after all it was only for a few weeks. They always did say it was a couple of months to recover but I went with those stories where people were fine in 2-3.
The latest set back has really set me back. It was caused by me. I tried to do more than I was meant to.
Apart from walking short distances I really can’t do much at all. I can’t put on washing. This will be temporary, I know that. Although the damage done to my relationship with my dc might not be.
Their dad doesn’t see them.
Sadly the universal credits isn’t a myth, I have spent hours doing the sums. I will be significantly worse off if I have to switch over. I do need to find work but I recognise that I do need to get better (from the temporary stuff anyway).
I own my own house but with a mortgage.

I called sams. Whilst I think they’re a fantastic service there is other stuff going on that I can’t talk (or write) about, but I went home eventually. There is no change here and I don’t want to be here. I really can’t face anymore arguments. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I feel completely useless and unwanted.
Thank you for the unmumsnet like hugs.

OP posts:
Notabee · 06/10/2018 07:52

Ps I feel I should add that I’m not comfortable having to ask dc for help but I have little choice and I didn’t think what I was asking was unreasonable. I am the last person to ask for help for myself usually.
I do know this is probably hard on them.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 06/10/2018 08:12

They really have got to be helping at their age they must be able to see how much pain you are in. Teenagers are unbelievably selfish at the best of times they really don’t see things from other people’s point of view unfortunately. I know you don’t want to ask for help but have you got a friend that could pop over do a few jobs and take the kids to one side and have a little chat ? They aren’t going to speak to someone else they way they have spoken to you and it may sink in coming from someone else x

Notabee · 06/10/2018 14:30

Thank you again for replying. My main 3 friends are away (separately) by complete coincidence. I’ve tried reaching out over the last 24 hours to another (that does know loads more) apologising for being so negative lately. They have their own stuff though, as we all do. I’ve not heard back.
Dc have done nothing and I need to switch off to them. I can’t handle this and I can’t face another row.
I’m realising I’m clearly a crap parent. I thought I was doing ok until recently.
If I wasn’t so desperate to find work (& I was more able!) I’d take off somewhere. Anywhere but here.

OP posts:

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