How to pull my life together?

[HowToBeBetter]

Dear Mumsnetters. It took me a lot of courage to write this post. I am in a bit of a muddle and emotionally not in a great place and appreciate all advice/opinions but please go easy on me.

I am probably the loneliest person on earth... well this is nt true as I have a boyfriend but sure as hell I am lonely.

I have no friends. Never been able to maintain healthy friendships. All of them fizzeled out and I feel really bad about this. I am so jealous of people who have friends they can chat to make memories with rely on each other. Always always struggled with making friends. As long as I can remember... I am socially very awkward and i don't know how to make friends or what's acceptable in friendships.

My family is a hot mess. My childhood was very toxic and I don't have happy memories from it. It was hard but I swallowed everything and never showed anyone what was going on at home. At the age of 20 I moved out Andy relationship with my parents gradually kept getting worse. My mum has been hard work, incredibly controlling and has been very mean to me since I moved away (6years now!) I got to a point where I stopped contacting them as often on the phone she would shouyat me, scream, tell me what an awful child I was. I have a sister... she went through similar things an she stopped contacting everyone about 10 months ago. It's hard... it's like I have no family. Literally no one...

I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. He's been fairly supportive although we don't talk about my problems a lot. He says he doesn't know what to say... which I fully appreciate but sometimes I just want to talk just let it all out but I feel like I can't with him.

I am currently unemployed. I am trying to get a job in the industry I have a diploma in but not to much success so far. I want a job I need a job I feel like if I got a job and I focused on that I'll feel better and perhaps make friends at work. Make friendships...

I am so lonely...my boyfriend is away for 10 days and today I spoke to no one... not one single person. It's awful and I want to make a change but I can't... I need to pull my life together I know in my head but I can't. I am trying to do daily goals list etc but fail to achieve them. Feeling helpless and angry at myself. I need help but I don't know where to get it from... and I don't know what to do. Everything has fallen apart ... I have lived 26 years and my life gradually became worse and worse... I know people have much bigger issues than me but mentally I struggle to cope. What am I doing ?

Hi OP,

Firstly sorry you are feeling like this & sorry you have such a shit, fucked up family. I too have had a similar situation with my parents. Been no contact now for several years. No family on OH's side either. Have had friends over the years but never that one, closest best friend/group I could call no matter what.
I ha e friends I see here & there & diffrent ones for different things if that makes sense but not extremely close. I too have struggled with trust & finding my place in society sometimes.

You have a diploma that is a great achievement considering everything you have faced & I am sure a job would be the best thing right now. Have you considered looking at a wider field for now? Just to get you out there, earning, socialising etc

You could keep your eyes open for the preferred role aswell but it just means you get out there alot quicker & steer your focus somewhere else.

Also have you thought about counselling so you could vent & put it behind you once & for all?

I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. He's been fairly supportive although we don't talk about my problems a lot. He says he doesn't know what to say...

Most men have the inclination to fix things, and when you raise problems with them, they assume you are asking for a solution to them. He has nothing to say because he can't fix what happened in your childhood. Talk to him about how you are really just looking for someone to air your issues with and an empathetic presence from him. He may be able to adjust his communication style so that it's more satisfying for you.

As to the rest, I think not having a job probably is contributing to you not feeling centered. So work on that, with the understanding that it can be a slow journey. Perhaps you can find something part time while you look for career work, just to get out of the flat and interact with people and make a bit of money.

And you've "spoken" to someone today - me.

Are there any opportunities for you to do some volunteering? It probably isn't in the sector you are looking at, but you can gain transferable skills, such as admin, communication, stock taking, organisation, time management etc. These are all things you put on your CV

I hope you don't think this is trite - I am genuinely sorry you are lonely. Couple of suggestions: Have you got a subject you're interested in and could do a course in? I had 6 months off recently and did Digital Photography just to talk to people and made a friend who turned out to be a very good friend too! There are weekend courses you can do too. By the way turned out I was shocking at Digital Photography!

Or do you like dogs - either borrowing one to walk (search for borrowmydoggy) or could you have one? They really help you make friends and have a chat with people you meet in the park.

Good luck in finding your new role too!

Op I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. Try not to be hard on yourself; by the sounds of it you've had some poor experiences of relationships as a child which wasn't your fault, no wonder you find it hard to work out how to socialise as an adult. And in our society being unemployed is lonely as, rightly or wrongly, our society prizes work.

Id second the recommendation for voluntary work for a few reasons - much easier to start then paid work, more interesting work to do in it and usually a slower and friendlier pace which is ideal for making friends and building your confidence. Whilst it is possible to make friends in paid jobs, many jobs are quite competitive and lots of people are there just to do a job and go home. Whereas if you can volunteer in an area you're interested in you're more likely to meet people with some similar interests and values and the environment is usually a bit more relaxed, more allowance for chatting etc. You might have to jump through a few hoops if you're on Jsa/UC but as long as you're applying for paid work and prepared to ditch volunteering for a paid job its usually ok.
Have you any thoughts re what you'd like to do?

I would agree with volunteering.

The more you get out there the more likely you are to make new friends and acquaintances. And in time those friends will take you into their confidence and you will find more people who like you (and me!)who has less than perfect families and still struggle at Christmas, holidays, family weddings etc. You will realise you aren't actually alone, so many of us have all this shit just bubbling away under the surface.

Take this in bite sized chunks.

For now, come on MN for friendship - it is always here and you are always welcome and there is always someone to chat to and something to chat about.

Make improving your CV your project. Get a job - any job - and then start building up to your dream career. You can take it really slowly. Just do one thing a day to move you closer to where you want to be.

Hello! Yes try volunteering! Amazing way to make friends and lots of people in a similar situation as you volunteer for the same reason - it's a great way to make friends and meet people. You can find volunteering opportunities in your area on a website called do-it (type this into a search engine with the word 'volunteering' and your area name and you might even be able to find something related to the field you want to work in. Also have you thought of clubs/sports/exercise classes? Anything will help, even a short course, maybe cooling, a language, something arty? I know it's nerve wracking but try to keep yourself busy and put yourself out there and try as much as possible and I really think you'll be surprised how quickly you meet some friends!

Hi Everyone. Just wanted to say thank for all your suggestions/help/advice. So sorry for not getting back sooner. I had a rubbish-ish weekend and Monday/Tuesday. Yesterday evening I got fed up with myself and wrote a note for me to read in the morning. I have been lounging around a lot, getting lazy but both physically and mentally struggled to get up and crack on with stuff. I knew it can not go on like this so I had to do something. This morning I had the note beside my bedside table and got up and done a lot of work on my portfolio today! I'm so glad. I feel like I took a step towards getting a new job in the industry I want to work in. I'm trying to keep up the good work and look for some temporary work/ volunteering or just something else to do to get out of the house. It is hard tho. I feel like I need some help but not sure what kind and where to get it from... anyhow I need to get stronger and get back on my feet.

Volunteering is a good idea. Everyone wants volunteers - schools (help kids with reading), care homes ( go and chat to the residents, help serving the teas), National Trust and similar (serve in the shop or help in the gardens). It gives you something to think about apart from your own worries, an opportunity to get out of he house and meet people, and it looks good on your CV.

Op, you sound like you're taking steps but still being quite hard on yourself - remember you can't 'pull it all together ' in a single day! Have you heard of the concept of 'no zero' days? Have a Google, it might help. Any steps are better than none.

Re volunteering, is there a volunteer bureau near you? Because the first step is just seeking advice about it and usually once you approach volunteer coordinators they help you look, help match you to something you'd be good at and help with the confidence to get there. You dont have to magic it up yourself!

I agree with volunteering how about asking at your local food bank? or soup kitchen? but they are loads of options. Have you tried to get work experience in your field at all? For meeting friends have you looked on the meet up groups ? Are you under the Gp care at all if so they may be able to help I work in a surgery and we have people who have trained as care navigators they are able to help people suffering from social isolation but referring them to community groups in the area.

OP have you considered seeing your GP? What you're describing is a lot like symptoms of depression (the lack of motivation etc.) Having a chat with your doctor could be a way of getting help? A referral to counselling perhaps?Even if it's not depression it sounds like you could really benefit from discussing your childhood with a therapist.

Well done for working on your portfolio!

I agree with peakydante
You need someone to talk things properly through with.

If you have a smartphone, you could download Couch to 5k and start running? It is free and will get your endorphins going which in turn might inspire you to start trying to do some other new things. If your portfolio is something arty, could you volunteer in something related to that? Google is your friend here. Volunteer work or work experience might lead to something paid. Good luck.

So sorry you're feeling like this. Agree with volunteering suggestion.
When I was at my lowest, I went to my local animal shelter and started walking rescue dogs. Their enthusiasm and gratitude was infectious and pulled me right out of my low mood. Made friends with other volunteers there too.
Still loving it 5 years on !
Hope things get better for you.

Sweetie you have been so brave simply writing this. Taking this first step is so huge! It also takes the pressure off BF, believe it or not! Have you thought about asking your GP for a referral to a counsellor? I have a feeling your family has undermined your self esteem very badly and that is why you haven’t forged any meaningful friendships. Volunteering is definitely a wonderful thing to do as well. There are so many areas where you can meet people with similar interests - like animals? Try an animal shelter... Food bank of you want to chat to people, etc. You could even possibly find something that relates to the field you did your diploma in and upskill a bit and maybe get a foot in the door and get to know some people in that industry. (Depends what it is, of course...) Meanwhile, pat yourself on the back for doing something for yourself instead of sitting around and stewing about it. You should be very proud of yourself!

Thanks again for the comments. Sorry for replying days later.

I am literally just looking on my computer for volunteer work near me... I see what is around but would love to do something with animals or kids... but not being picky. Also applied for a temporary position in a clothes shop near me so please cross your fingers and toes for me! I also managed to finish my portfolio this week and planning on sending it out to designers on Monday. Fingers crossed I'd be greatful for any jobs so I can step a foot in the industry.

Re talking to someone about my problems... I'd love too... but I'm debating whether my problems are big enough for counselling. I don't know if it's depression tho. Some days are better than others but I make sure that every day I get up brush my teeth and hair and get dressed. Hands on heart there are days when that is the most I can achieve but doesn't everyone have days like that ...
Also my GP is rubbish... I mean actually rubbish. I was diagnosed with PCOS about 2-3 years ago. It scares me... I'm scared all the time for the future. I get regular periods but very light . My skin is covered in acne and tried all the antibiotics prescribed creams , inositol etc for it . Nothing helps... before anyone says the pill... I get migraines. Also I was on the pill before and I don't think I should take more unnecessary hormones in. My boyfriend and I are supercarfull and never forget to put on a condom so... (might be too much info here-sorry😳) To get back to the point tho I don't think he will give a fuck. I feel like every time I go to the GP they just trying to get rid of me in 3 minutes.

It will be fine tho. Life will get better but I definitely need to man up a bit more.

I used a lot of 'also' and '...' Sorry. Eek😳🙄

Okay. Today is the day. Portfolio is done and been looking for jobs. I found one in London which is great (would have to rent something in London Monday to Friday but great stepping stone)

Also found a recruitment agency that seems to be great and have loads of jobs up. I just need to actually get in touch /apply but today is one of those days and I just can't get my head on it to focus. I am so SO annoyed with myself ... I feel like landing a job would be a great step but I can not get myself to do it . How do I make myself do it? How ? And why can't I just crack on with applying for them?!

You're doing fab op. Take the job stuff one step at a time. I hate doing job apps, I break it down so I give myself one task to do and a break at the end of it, eg today I'll research the company, tomorrow I'll do all the fiddly cv/job history stuff, next time I'll do the person spec/body of the app etc. Try not to think of the whole thing at once, just keep taking steps in that direction and give yourself some credit for the things you are doing :)

Thanks @Threadastaire! I managed to apply for two jobs today. It's 23:27 but I am sure I couldn't have slept tonight unless I sent them out. I woke up a bit panicky this morning and felt so ready (and so need too) to take some steps to try to land a job. I know it's not a solution for all my problems but I think it will help me mentally by taking my attention off the other issues. 🤞