To not acknowledge the anniversary of a bereavement? (Poss TW)

[Threadastaire]

Its the 9th anniversary of my mum's death tomorrow. I dont do anything to acknowledge the anniversary and I feel guilty that I don't mention it to anyone and I don't feel particularly sad about it. I didn't have the best experience being brought up by her and her death was sad, unnecessarily early (alcohol abuse). But there's part of me that niggles that she was still my mum and that I've got, I don't know, a sort of duty to remember her and that by not doing I'm allowing her to be forgotten. Does anyone else have this weird guilt where they've lost someone and feel they should be more affected by it?

It's not something I can talk about IRL because of course if you mention that a parent died (esp when you were still relatively young) the assumed response is for people to say sorry for the loss, suggest you must miss them greatly etc - for that reason I only told a few people when she passed as I was too uncomfortable with the reactions. At the time I was upset of course, but also a bit angry and a bit relieved so it was a pretty muddled time.

Not really sure what I'm posting for think I just need to vent! Sorry if this thread seems insensitive to those who genuinely miss their loved ones. Just that my experience was different.

My siblings and I decided that we'd much rather remember our mum on her birthday and the times we enjoyed so that's when we get together.

Some do something small and personal on the date of her death but, personally, I don't. And I don't feel guilty because it's my mother and my grief.

I'm sorry you didn't get to have a good relationship with her. It'll be my dad's anniversary this month too, I don't mention it anymore. There's not much to say about it, for me. We didn't have a very good relationship either, and so I think a lot of my grief around the time he died was more related to what we'd missed out on, than anything else. You deal with it in the way that best suits you.

Don't worry about it. What you feel is what you feel. I don't even know the anniversary of my dad's death (from suicide) and don't particularly care. I had a miserable childhood because of him and hope he rots

You have to do what’s right for you - you aren’t obligated to do anything for it.
Maybe do something nice for yourself instead, have a bath or pamper yourself, get your favourite treat and watch your favourite film.

There’s no right or wrong way to remember/grieve someone. Only your way.

My mum died 12 years ago and I refuse to acknowledge the date of her death. I loved her, had a fab relationship with her, miss her more than anything, and don’t want to ‘rememebr’ the date she died (although I obviously know it and I am pretty emotionally raw on that date even 12 years on). I prefer to celebrate her birthday, and Mother’s Day, and spend a bit of my own birthday thinking about ‘the person I shared the day I was born with’.

I know exactly what you mean and I get the same sense of guilt. But I realised a long time ago that grief doesn't follow a set formula (despite the 'stages of grief' trope) and fiction gives us very unrealistic expectations of how grieving people should act and feel.

I get sad when I want to share something with someone and remember I can't. I get sad when I think of times we laughed until we cried, and we will never do that again (although these are bittersweet memories, not JUST sad). I don't get sad on a particular day of the year.

@gruiciusmalfoy I get what you mean about the sadness of what we didn't have. Its a cliché but death is very final, while I knew my mum would never change, losing her left me thinking almost 'is that it?' about our relationship.

For those of you who've posted about remembering nice times like birthdays or Christmases, well, I suppose I don't because we didn't have them. My mum didn't enjoy being a parent and whilst I think there were some nicer times when I was younger, the memories I remember from say, 8 onwards, don't include birthdays - she'd spend those without us - Christmases were fraught because alcohol + violent partner + family = arguments. Thinking of that from an adult perspective makes me feel a bit less guilty though - when a parent has always played the victim it becomes habitual to feel in the wrong.

Raise your cup of tea to her life and then get on with your day. It is up to you. There are no rules.