Holding resentment towards my mother

[Vanessatiger]

I’m near 40, and my childhood was marred by a lot of emotional and physical abuse. My mother stayed at home with us but it seemed she resented it. She had babies after babies, my youngest brother is 12 years younger than me. He’s for sure the favourite.

This was a typical day for me: having knots in my tummy and not wanting to come home. When I came home, my mother would start saying “you’re such a bad girl, nobody likes you because of how you speak/look” then I’d defy her and “talk back”, at which point she would get the wooden spoon and chase me around the house. Then I’d lie on the floor whilst she kicked me. But she never or rarely gave me bruises. Once she held a meat cleaver to my throat saying she’d kill me. She has also thrown porcelain plates at my direction. My earliest memory of this would be around 6 years old, it continued until I moved away from home.
Despite all this I excelled in school, attained the highest grades (which my mother said “it’s not that impressive “). I went to the best schools (my mother resented paying it).

I never spoke of my home life to anybody as I was deeply ashamed of it and I thought it was my fault.
My father was usually not at home and when he was he didn’t really wanted to deal with it. He’d side with my mother and call me a troublemaker. It’s true I had strong will and I often talked back at her.

My parents and I don’t have a good relationship, they have denied that ever happened. My mother said she’s never layed a finger on us. I do think she was unwell.
She’s now very good with my children and playing the loving grandmother. But deep inside I hate her. Sometimes when she calls I don’t answer her. It can go weeks before I return her calls.
Unfortunately because of what I went through I have quite low self esteem. I married someone considerably older for security, he made me feel safe but he turned out to be controlling and abusive.

I just feel i have nobody left in this world. I usually get suicidal thoughts but then I have my children to think of.

My mother is now in quite ill health with heart problems and fatigue, if she died I’m not sure I’ll feel sad, maybe only grieving for the mother I never had growing up.
I’m terrified I’ll treat my daughter the same. I reign myself in when I get frustrated and I’m way too soft with her which annoys my husband.
I’m almost 40 but still get depressed about my childhood. It’s pathetic isn’t it?

I also remember that my mother frequently asked us to choose who to live with. She frequently told us that our father was bad and that she was leaving. Not a nice thing for children to hear. She was only 20 when she had me.

OP, none of this is your fault. You didn't deserve any of this.

Absolutely no beating yourself up for the ways in which you've learned to cope.

What would you advise a friend to do in your position? Can you think of any ways you can begin healing?

YANBU

My story is similar

My mother does not remember any of it - hilariously enough. The mental or physical abuse. Being tied up. Belted. Being smashed round the back by a hoover. She couldn't wait to fuck us all off out of her house - the oldest any of us siblings survived in Mothers house is age 15 = she wanted us gone

Fuck her. If the shit cunt leaves me anything in her will, it will go to charity- I want nothing of her

I went to bed thinking about your plight and how you have managed to survive it. You were still on my mind this morning because I'm friggin' angry at the injustice, and the cruelty meted out to a child who could not escape and turn to anyone.

I say 'injustice' because there have been no consequences for your mother's abuse. I cannot believe your mother's denial. She says that it didn't happen? What? Is that just another way to continue the abuse (gaslighting)? It was systematic, constant, violent and there was no warmth whatsoever. You lived on the edge and she was a monster.

I hope that, one day, she will not be able to escape from full disclosure of how you felt about your childhood. You have the power, now. You can blow the lid off the fact that she has re-written your history, if you want to.

Personally, I would use the 'empty chair' technique to help me practice the words. If you ever get the chance, pretend that she is sitting on a chair near you and tell her everything you've told us. Take out the 'empty chair' every time you feel resentful or sad and keep talking to it.
You'll be word perfect and able to stay cool and calm when the day of reckoning happens.

A virtual hug to you . I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eye.

OP, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I really feel for you. I think how aware you are of how wrong your mother’s behavior was/is shows that you are extremely conscious of this around your own dcs. Being “too soft” is miles better than worrying if you were too harsh etc.
It is not remotely pathetic, our childhood is the blueprint to our lives. You are not your mother, this does not have to be the dark cloud over you, as others have said try to not let her already deeply, negative influence effect your life anymore. If I were you, I would absolutely try and distance myself a bit from her if at all possible. I know how difficult this is especially when she is presenting herself so differently now.
Your post struck such a cord with me. Although mine wasn’t as extreme, she was very emotionally abusive towards me , occasionally physical too and most certainly singled out some of us. One of my brothers has completely cut her off and the others who were the more favored act as though he has lost his mind. One of my sisters witnessed some of my mothers physical attacks on me which was only the tip of the ice-berg as her words were far, far worse (often said alone with me)
Like that , since I have been married and had children it’s as though she has completely forgotten everything, totally glossed over it. I get sent wonderful , supportive messages. She doesn’t spend any real time with me at all and it is all so superficial so we never have any real conversations. I still seek her approval which I hate in myself.
I don’t know how to break free really... My biggest issue is one of my sisters adores her and if I even hint at criticism of our mother her behavior mirrors my mother so much. Weeks of ignoring, aggressive arguing and stonewalling. My mother made me out to be an unbearable teenager, my crimes included getting drunk , going to nightclubs without permission and lying (I think I was 17 at the time...), I was certainly disrespectful and rude at times and it’s only now that I have my own children I realize that teenager who I have been embarrassed about for years was absolute right. She would ignore me for weeks over the slightest argument, from the age of 15.
I am also trying to let go, it’s very hard. My mother is older and would acknowledge none of this. I agree with a pp, my mother must have been unstable, completely unable bar the physical tasks to deal with the amount of children she had and was in all honesty a terrible parent.
I wish you all the best going forward, we can’t change the past but we can be very different parents.