Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

DD/DS teens friends and social media

20 replies

tactum · 03/10/2018 22:49

DD 16 and DS 14 (1 school yr apart) don't get on, v different personalities and friends, but same school. Both obv v social media involved and we don't now police their instagram/snapchat content but do keep an eye on internet usage.

There have been a couple of instances recently - and one tonight - where there have been rows between them about what friends are saying etc.It's definitely not them slagging eachother off at all. From what I can gather - and neither are particularly open about what is going on - all instances are his friends saying stuff about DD and/or her friends rather than the other way around, this seems clear. I'm not sure if things which are bothering her are suggestive messages from his friends or else just slagging off her friends/her etc. Both are being very cagey on what is going on and trying to minimise but DD is clearly bothered.

We have at least once before sat them both down and said - 'you have to tell your friends not to refer to your sibling in ANY way on social media otherwise there will be repercussions for you'.

Should I threaten them both one last time with a snapchat/instagram ban or just ban him as its his friends or what?

Ugh social media......

OP posts:

Sethis · 03/10/2018 22:52

Banning him due to the actions of his friends seems incredibly unfair. He's not their boss. He's their peer. Teenage boys are generally wankers in groups to begin with, doubly so when talking to/about girls, and you can't expect him to police them.

I'd just flat demand to see what they're saying, and take action from there. "Being cagey" isn't a good enough defence if it's genuinely upsetting one them.

iggleypiggly · 03/10/2018 23:11

You look at what is being written surely?

Original poster

tactum · 03/10/2018 23:23

Why? Do you on your 15/16 year olds? Do you monitor their conversations? I've tried very very hard, believe me, on encouraging responsible interraction on social media. Should I be trying to control what they also say whilst they're at school?

Honestly how much control do other parents have on their kids SM contact at this age?

OP posts:

Original poster

tactum · 03/10/2018 23:33

Just asking out of interest now really.....

OP posts:

iggleypiggly · 03/10/2018 23:35

Clearly they need monitoring if this is a regular issue? You are their parent. You don’t need to control them or what they say. They are teenagers they need parenting and guidance.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 03/10/2018 23:37

You are never going to be able to stop social media, shit happens.
Your teens are displaying normal behaviour for fighting teens, it’s just that these days it happens on a platform for the world to watch instead of across the landing from one bedroom door to the other.
You ask if you should threaten them “one last time” that sounds very much like you have threatened and not followed through.
Maybe you should have tried that a few years ago. Sorry op but it’s out of your hands now.
You are also WAY too involved in your teens conversations, they should be allowed some privacy

negomi90 · 03/10/2018 23:43

Separate out the sibling bit.
You think something online is upsetting your dd.
Therefore have a supportive one on one chat. Ask her about nicely, ask if she can show you. (ASK don't demand).
If she she shows you and it is as you suspect online bullying. Go through the school in the same you would if it were random people.

You can't punish your son for things his friends are doing.
You can stop people who make your dd uncomfortable from entering the house. You can punish him for things he's doing online. But if its coming from his friends and not him, you can not punish him or expect him to control them.

WannabeGilmoreGirl · 03/10/2018 23:47

I monitor my child's internet and social media accounts until they are 17 and can be trusted.

I bought their phones and I will check them at any point.

We talk about what they've been posting and the implications of social media.

Original poster

tactum · 03/10/2018 23:58

You honestly all check all the content of their msgs??? Read everything they have written/posted as 16 yr olds? When do they get any freedom or indeed actual privacy??? Literally cannot imagine my mum listening in to all my phone convos aged 16 just to check what was going on in the 1980s.

What would you do if you found something you didnt quite approve of but they did.....

OP posts:

WannabeGilmoreGirl · 04/10/2018 00:18

I'm not looking for something to use against them. I am keeping them safe.

I don't read everything they've written or conversations between their friends but I do question who people are, how they know them etc.

They don't get told off or judged, I have an open relationship with them and teens need to understand that everything they do online can be used against them at any point.

Nothing is deleted 100%

BackforGood · 04/10/2018 00:31

tactum No, of course you can't be reading everything posted by your dc and your dcs' peers. That's a ridiculous thing to suggest. Apart from anything else, it is impossible anyway as Snapchat stuff disappears once it's been read.
Our job as parents is to help our dc cope with / deal with / respond to things they see on-line, not kid ourselves we can prevent them ever seeing anything horrible.
I think that comes from regular theoretical conversations over years, not responding in the heat of the moment though. Talk about what they can do to support friends who might go through it, etc etc.

iggleypiggly · 04/10/2018 07:20

Phone conversation weren’t screen shot or visible online forever. That’s such a ridiculous argument. Mental health problems are rising, social media can be a huge factor. Why would you NOT keep a check and somehow leave them to it? It’s very dangerous. Bullying and grooming is rife, as parents we have to try and shield and protect our children. (That doesn’t mean checking every message).

MintyJones · 04/10/2018 07:25

OP - in a word, yes. My eldest is now 20 but I checked her social media accounts until she was about 16. No, I wasn't reading every message - couldn't care less - but I would skim read from time to time

You can't have this both ways. You seem aghast at monitoring their SM yet you're very concerned about the impact SM is having on your DD. Just step up and ask to see what's going on

Aragog · 04/10/2018 07:31

Whilst I don't, and didn't, monitor all internet use I have always reserved the right to monitor if I felt their way an issue. As the bill payer and the phone purchaser it was one of the conditions of Dd having a phone, right from the start of secondary. It remains so now at 16y.

So every day stuff, no I wouldn't monitor.

However if there was an issue I would definitely be monitoring. Any complaints I'd be removing phones for a while.

MintyJones · 04/10/2018 07:32

And re 'what would you do if you find something you don't approve on yet they do..' err you tell them you don't approve and why and then you dish out an appropriate sanction if it needs it

helpmum2003 · 04/10/2018 07:41

I think if there is a potential bullying issue you certainly should look at phones - it's parenting. You should have the option to monitor at other times as well. It's to protect your kids.

My oldest is 16 and I still retain that option - very rarely need to use it. I also limit time on social media for 16yo still - it's very addictive.

themuttsnutts · 04/10/2018 07:59

I agree. It's difficult to punish without knowing what is going on. I like the post encouraging dd to show you.

I have a teen dd and , I must admit, I've sneaked a look when I can see something is bothering her. You don't have to let on you've seen it but it can put some context into any conversation you might have

Feefeetrixabelle · 04/10/2018 08:04

I would suggest that the boys are being creepy about the dd. It’s the right age split for crushes/ mean behaviour towards girls etc. And I would stamp down pretty hard. I would say to your ds that unless he tells the whole truth as to what is happening he will no longer be trusted to have social media and will have to deactivate for a month. I would say to your dd that you want to know what’s happening but at 16 you respect her eighth to privacy however you will not allow her to start fight sin your home if she isn’t going to give you the full details because it isn’t fair on everyone else.

RavenLG · 04/10/2018 08:04

No one is suggesting you read every single message your children are sending inbox SM. They’re saying that you should be asking to see the messages pertaining to this particular argument so you can gauge the severity and how to handle next, rather than blanket banning your son for message he possibly hasn’t contributed to

EvaHarknessRose · 04/10/2018 08:18

Its part of parenting. Your dc can have a private diary or facetime their friends privately. EVERYTHING they write or read on social media can be seen by ANYONE (their peer group, their friend’s dad who monitors their childs phone, their headteacher once someone shows them). And I know of several instances where male school or college students have written messages about wanting to rape individuals. This is not OK of course and they were sanctioned or reported. Not having a boundary that you will view their messages under certain circumstances is akin to saying you would not insist they come home if they were out in the town centre surrounded by threatening males shouting insults or threats at them. They are learning, they need adult care, they are not adults.

Flip