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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be insecure about flirty partner?

25 replies

frecklesagogo · 03/10/2018 18:30

So my partner and I have been together for 5 years. We both have children from previous relationships and it’s been a stress year. 6 weeks ago we thought we might end it but decided to try harder and stay together.

I’ve tried really hard to manage all the things I do that big him and arrange dates etc but I don’t see him really doing anything.

This weekend we went away with friends to celebrate his birthday. I told him I was feeling a bit overweight one morning and he just said “it’s good you recognise that”.

One night in a club a woman cave up to him and was dancing close with him. He threw himself into dancing with her and I felt weird but decided to let it go.

The night after though, him and his mates started flirting with a group of young scantily clad women. The next thing I knew he’d picked one up in a fireman’s lift, and was contemplating then life hung her again with her friend in the other shoulder.

I got really upset and insecure and conforonted him. His mates wives told me to drop it and he said I was ruining his night and no one else was being insecure. But the other couples have been happily married for decades and given our bad year I didn’t feel it was a point of comparison. I found myself having to apologise to him but he said it was too late I’d ruined the night.

Since then I’m so angry and hurt by this. Am I crazy and foolish to be so hurt and insecure? Do you tolerate your partner flirting and touching other women? The other couples we were with didn’t mind their partner flirting so I’m starting to think maybe I am a fruitcake.

OP posts:

Original poster

frecklesagogo · 03/10/2018 18:33

Jeez this is full of typos - damn autocorrect. He basically gave a young woman a fireman’s lift, then went to lift her and her mate together. And I feel like the fat mug girlfriend.

OP posts:

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/10/2018 18:34

Your partner sounds like a dick but it also sounds like you need to work on your own self esteem.

Courtney555 · 03/10/2018 18:37

I feel you're not giving the full story here. I would struggle to find any of my friends who would watch my DP throw "scantily clad" women over his shoulder and openly flirt in front of me, in a way that I clearly found disrespectful, then proceed to tell me that I'm the one ruining the night.

That just wouldn't happen.

Laiste · 03/10/2018 18:40

How come you've got 2 threads the same under different names?

gylly · 03/10/2018 18:45

I would be off like a shot. He sounds like an idiot.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2018 18:52

I can't imagine my husband acting like this

Samantha2018 · 03/10/2018 18:56

I'd have left! I can imagine how you feel that's not on!

LaGruffaloGrumble · 03/10/2018 19:07

Have you posted this before?

LaGruffaloGrumble · 03/10/2018 19:07

Sorry, cross post.

Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 19:08

My husband would never behave like this.

SugarNyx · 03/10/2018 19:18

I would leave him, he obvs isn’t putting in the effort and is treating you like shit. You deserve better and there is better out there than someone who doesn’t respect and admire you. Fuck him!

Original poster

frecklesagogo · 04/10/2018 11:52

@Courtney555

Ok fuller story, other couples and my partner are all in late 40’s/50’s while I’m mid 30’s.

The wives didn’t say I’d ruined the night, my partner said that. They said I was over thinking and being insecure, that it was a joke and I should let it go as it was his birthday.

Apparently they were all goading my partner in to give the first lift - that’s what my partner told me yesterday if that makes it ok, I don’t know.

Other than that I don’t know what else to say

OP posts:

Original poster

frecklesagogo · 04/10/2018 11:53

@LaGruffalo yeah I posted it twice by mistake. Since had duplicate deleted.

OP posts:

Whereartthouname · 04/10/2018 12:56

Seems like he is acting like a single man

Cjngs · 04/10/2018 13:05

Do you think he is having a midlife crisis? Not making an excuse as he is a dick and definitely disrespectful. The fact that you're much younger might actually make him more insecure and so behaving like a twat is reinforcing his pathetic need for validation.
Whatever excuses he makes I'd leave him to it. Find someone who makes you feel good and doesn't insult you or publicly humiliate you.

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 04/10/2018 13:07

Is he actually a fireman?

Puggles123 · 04/10/2018 13:14

If he does that when you are there, what does he do when you aren’t?

MinaPaws · 04/10/2018 13:19

The point is, you odn't like a relationship in which this happens. It makes you feel belittled and threatened. I can see why. Don't put up with it.

One of the biggest boosts you can ever give your self esteem is to decide never to put up again with behaviour that destroys your self-confidence. If the relationship is limping laong anyway just walk away. Spend some time single while you work out how to feel good about yourself, and then only go out with men who traet you well and make you feel good.

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2018 14:47

Me and my ex would both act like your Partner, we are both flirty.

It doesn't sound like you are compatible. That may or not may be your insecurity, but either way you shouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship.

I wouldn't be with someone insecure, as a Woman, because I wouldn't want to change my behaviour. I've found that it always moves on to something else.

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2018 14:48

""If he does that when you are there, what does he do when you aren’t?""

That's the sort of ship I got from a Boyfriend. The only answer to that should be "enjoy myself more".

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2018 15:04

Sort of shit, that should be.

Eeevvvveee · 05/10/2018 04:02

He sounds vile and I'd leave him immediately!

ionising · 05/10/2018 06:58

Ugh! No sounds awful. I would have walked out.

Birds What sort of flirting do you mean? Chatting or being lifted about scantily clad?

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 05/10/2018 07:05

Look, it doesn't matter if other people would be happy with it; YOU'RE NOT happy with it, and believe it or not you do get a say.

I think you might be better matched with someone who's on the same wavelength as you wrt respectful behaviour; doesn't sound like he is.

Also, the other women may 'let' their husbands do things like this but that doesn't mean they are happy with it. They have to convince you it's all ok or their own lives fall down too.

Bellendejour · 05/10/2018 08:24

I’d find this kind of behaviour weird, juvenile, annoying and creepy whether I felt jealous about it or not. How old were the scantily clad girls? Yuck to being hoisted about by some old lech. I don’t get why your friends thought this was entertaining. To be honest they all sound like dicks.

Your H seems to not to be doing anything to make you feel secure - the weight comment and then going out and flirting with complete randoms which I find totally disrespectful. It feels like this is always going to be turned back to you and your insecurity or jealousy. Do you think he would listen if you tried to talk to him about how he has made you feel?

Sorry he’s being such a twat

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