To complain to HR about colleague

[Sadie789]

I have been back at work from mat leave for 6 months. The whole thing has been a shambles - for lots of reasons, but the main one being that the job I had is gone, and to appease me they have shunted me sideways into a job no one else wanted. This is an issue, but it's bearable as (they don't know) we're TTC no 2 and I know there will be an end in sight.
However there is a woman at work (let's call her C) who is the same age as me and before mat leave was a direct colleague reporting to the same line manager as me. She is making me miserable. It's very subtle but it feels like bullying.
In the last 18 months, which includes the year I was off, three other female colleagues have left. One clearly stated to management and HR that she was leaving because of C although never made an official complaint. The other two said to me outside of work that C was one of the main reasons for leaving although they had not told management that.
One of the main issues is that during my mat leave C started dating the big boss (who was also my boss). So this has had a massive impact on the dynamic at work and other colleagues, which has mostly happened while I was off, so I came back to a completely different atmosphere.
She has assumed control of the whole department, with the big boss's backing (unofficially, he just lets her) and everyone else has gone along with it, including the rubbish male manager at the level in between us and the big boss.
She now calls the shots and has been doing so in a way that has been slowly crushing my spirit over the last six months. I have tried to speak to rubbish male manager but he's not interested (has his own issues, namely alcohol) and has told me he's tried to raise it with big boss and got short shrift. I have also tried to raise with big boss and got shouted out the room. I have raised tentatively with colleagues but a lot of them seem scared of her and say very little. I also wonder what she's said to them about me as since mat leave I have not found people as friendly as they were before.

This woman changed career a few years ago so has only been in this profession for the last 4 years. When I started at this company she was a temp. I on the other hand have been in this profession for 20 years, yet she's managed to leapfrog me.

Here is a list of what's happened. I would like to know if it's unreasonable or a pointless exercise to make an official complain to HR. Has anyone experience of complaining to HR about a colleague and what happened?

• I was a manager with 4 staff before mat leave, now I'm back I am not being given managerial status or input
• She is going in behind me and changing my work to the way she would do it
• She tells me to do things, how to do them and when - even though my area is nothing to do with her
• My 4 staff, two left (see above) one moved to another department, and the remaining one now reports to her even though I recruited this person and set up their traineeship
• I was not introduced properly to members of staff who had joined while I was on mat leave nor was my role explained to them (as a result they won't take direction from me)
• I am not included in decision making or management meetings I would have previously been involved with
• I am excluded from emails telling junior staff what to do with projects that I am supposed to be working on
• My area is specialist but people in other departments are not coming to me for advice on it, instead going to her
• I was not invited to two corporate events that all the other people in my dept were invited to
• She has spoken to colleagues behind my back about a new project in order to steal it from me
• This is a weird one - I turned 40 in May and there was no acknowledgment of this at all in work (despite her knowing about it, and usually being the one to organise collections), however when she turned 40 in July other colleagues held a collection and with the money bought a gift, flowers and prosecco, decorated her desk with balloons, and held a presentation with nibbles.

If you've read this far, thank you!

So am I being unreasonable about the above? Is it bullying? Is this just standard after a return from mat leave? It's so demoralising. Most days I cry in my car on the way home. I am finding it hard to talk to her nicely, harder still not to talk about her to other people at work. I need to do something.

YANBU. The main thing I would ask for though is clarification of your new role and whether you are still a manager with the team. If this is the case I’d ask for it to be clarified to everyone and say that you feel that C is trying to undermine you. I’d also explain your concerns around C and what other staff members have told you. I’d speak to HR about this and not your direct line manager (you’ve already said he’s sh*t) and you obviously can’t talk to the manager above him as he’s in a relationship with C. I’d explain that to HR too as it’s a bit of a conflict of interest tbh

My understanding is that on return from mat leave your own job, or an equivalent job, should be kept for you. Equivalency is the issue here - if you don't have the same seniority as previously this is something HR needs to address.

But what's the culture like, and how much fight do you have in you?

Can you instead run a self-marketing campaign, contacting all the new hires to let them know what you do - even adding them on LinkedIn as a quick way to show them your tenure in the business? And work around this woman - you don't have to take any orders from her do you? So don't. Look at her blankly. If it feels awkward, then let it - it's her awkwardness to feel so don't let it stop you from acting in a manner commensurate with your duties and your position.

Focus on the work, and send your actual boss a heads up if she's getting in the way of you doing your work.

All of the above.
Offer to make her coffee though and shove a laxative in it.

Look forward to seeing her face when you announce your next baby.

Do you really have it in you to fight this formally via HR when you're going to go off on ML hopefully soon?

DameFanny gives good advice I think

agree with DameFanny

and the laxatives!!

Yeah I probably don’t have much fight left in me, my confidence in work has been completely eroded by the back from mat leave experience (I naively believed I would be protected on my return because of legislation and the company would bend over backwards to settle me back in!!!) and DameFanny your advice is pretty stellar and is an approach I hadn’t thought of.

It’s a shame though that people can get away with this kind of “nepotism” and talent/hard work/long service and doing the right thing for years actually gets you nowhere in life! The same reason I wouldn’t complain is the same reason others don’t and just leave. The TTC is the spanner in the works - means I can’t really look elsewhere which is the ideal solution. But equally no2 might never happen then I’ve spent all this time being genuinely miserable every day.

I think you’ve got 2 separate things here. This woman, specifically, and her various attempts to undermine you. And then the way your return to work has been handled. I’d address them both with HR as 2 separate things. In which order, I’m not sure.

If you're getting managerial pay for non managerial work and are likely to be off soon on ml then I would suck it up. You know nothing will change while her and big boss are in a relationship.

Smile and nod for now do your day job, get pregnant, have baby and get a new job whilst on mat leave. the alcohol with one manager and other big boss and her having a relationship sound like a massive shit show. Speak to the people you like and fuck all the others, deal with what work comes in and don't worry about people checking it, changing it,not coming to you even though it's your specialist area etc. Just do your job,enjoy the bits you do enjoy and go home.

OK, I do see where you are coming from but ifi were you I'd start being a bit proactive. Introduce yourself to new colleagues. I think it is the professional thing to do; you aren't a new starter. Challenge the thing about being left out emails directly; if nothing changes you have something concrete to talk to HR about.

Is there anything preventing relationships between direct reports? My company does because of this situation you've described. It's a pita for everyone.

Not much of your list sounds like it's directly related to her

BTW if you do go to HR please don't mention the birthday thing. That's just embarrassing.

Decide what you want to change and then come with a plan to get it or articulate it..

I'd be surprised if HR got involved with most of this - remember, their role is to protect the organisation.

The equivalency point is the crucial one - can you follow up on this specifically?

Do they have a relationships at work policy?

I would address these issues, together I think they paint a picture of a situation in which you are being persistently undermined. Even if you don't stay, I think that standing up for yourself in a polite and professional way might do something to shore up your self esteem and that is important to your finding another job, particularly if it is after another period of maternity leave.

Temporaryanonimity you think the birthday thing is embarrassing? I think it’s a very clear example of being isolated/cut off from a team and treated differently by someone in a position of power? Which is bullying.

Here's what I would do

Not go to hr just yet. She isn't your direct manager so doesn't have any official responsibility for you.

You need to speak to your boss and big boss about removing your people management responsibility. That's not on. I wouldn't mention her at all as won't do you any favours with big boss.

Every time she misses you off communication, email everyone involved. Be neutral and just say you are involved in project x in y capacity so could everyone please ensure you're included in all communication. Save these emails. If it persists have a word with her but nicely, as in you know she's busy and it's difficult to get used to you being back from maternity, but she has missed you off x emails. If she still does it then you can go to hr.

The birthday thing - yeah it's shit but unless it's company policy to recognise birthdays and it's her responsibility, you may just come across as being a bit petty if you complain and direct it at her. I'd keep it work related for now.

Lastly I'd try and build relationships with the wider team. Volunteer to do some training for everyone in your area, you'll get to know people and show they should come to you.

If people have already left because of her, most people will think she's a twat and be happy to help you

Yes, because it diminishes the really important things that you list.

I am sorry she treats you this way but if you are going to HR you need to have legitimate complaints listed not your feelings.
Why do you blame her for not being included or introduced. You can introduce yourself and when it comes to your staff you have managed who allowed this staff to report to her and not you.
I trust you are right and she is behind all of it but you can’t point to her when management allowed her to get all this power. You can’t blame her for people asking her advice and not yours - if anything that tells something about you and not her.
Out of all your points the only ones which are factual are 2, 3, 7 and 10. The rest is just how you think she is behind...

I feel your pain, OP. In a similar situation with a VERY 'clever' colleague who manipulates and cajoles, and does it all very subtly. I also need to get facts on paper, as I've had enough. Am hopeful in remembering that bullying and harassment, according to ACAS, is: "... any unwanted behaviour that makes someone feel intimidated, degraded, humiliated or offended. It is not necessarily always obvious or apparent to others, and may happen in the workplace without an employer's awareness."

My manager's lovely but TOO nice and has taken a blind eye to her behaviour throughout, even when I've made unofficial complaints to him. I wonder what dirt she might have on him...

Good luck OP, I hope you have success.

The equivalency is key as others have said. Most of your list doesn’t relate to her so I’d keep her out of it unless there’s something more concrete. I’d also avoid the birthday thing. She didn’t buy presents for herself so that’s not her anyway.

I had a similar experience on return from mat leave, with my new boss (previous peer - I had effectively been demoted, it was not a new job or promotion for her) undermining me at every turn. Can’t say too much as it would be outing but similar issues to the ones you have outlined.
HR will always protect the organisation, but you need to use them to protect yourself. Even if nothing comes of it, lodge things with them, esp the equivalency issue, otherwise you have no evidence should you ever need it. If you can, join a union, they were brilliant in supporting me. I ended being made ‘redundant’ a few years later, which was targeted by the new boss and handled very badly. Fortunately, I had lots of evidence about her treatment of me, and the organisation’s failure to follow up on even their own recommendations, that I got a huge settlement.
It sounds like a horrid place to be for you. Awful. I’m glad you have an exit plan in place, because, from experience, this woman (though probably not the organisation) is trying to exclude you and manage you out.