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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DSIL wants to bring her dd along on our dog walks?

31 replies

TheKitchenWitch · 03/10/2018 15:28

It's not going to happen because we meet in the mornings when the kids are at school, but I have a feeling she's going to ask to reschedule, which is missing the whole bloody point! We both have dogs to walk, and she works not very far from me (own business so takes dog to work), so we meet halfway, do a nice walk, the dogs play, we catch up (aka as have a bit of a moan) and then go our separate ways. Takes an hour. Is perfect.

Now she says that her dd is feeling left out and would SO love to come with us and maybe we should arrange that.
And whatever her dd wants, she generally gets. I'm not going to budge on this, so I bet SIL is now going to say she can't come any more because it upsets her dd too much.

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 03/10/2018 15:30

The whole thing sounds a bit weird. How could her DD be so upset about her mum going on a dog walk while she's at school anyway? Surely you see your niece sometimes anyway so during one of those times couldn't you all take the dogs for a walk?

serbska · 03/10/2018 15:31

What FullOfJellyBeans said

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 15:32

Just tell her it's the best time of day for you so no reschedule , maybe as a compromise (not that I would as love dc free walks) but suggests she can in the school holidays.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/10/2018 15:47

How old is DD? Why don't you want her on the walk? Is this your niece?

Original poster
TheKitchenWitch · 03/10/2018 16:23

SIL's dd is 6. We see her plenty, with all the kids together. She is my DH's niece (well mine too obvs!).
I don't get what my SIL could have told her to make her insist she wants to come too. They walk their own dog every afternoon together. We occasionally, when we all get together, also end up walking the dogs.
But I'm actually a bit pissed off that SIL seems to think that her DD somehow has a right to be part of everything - it's just two women meeting to chat and walk the bloody dogs!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/10/2018 16:36

You seem strangely angry about this kid OP!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/10/2018 16:39

I don't know. It does sound odd that one adult would ask another adult to change any part of their daily routine to appease a 6 year old.

OP sounds frustrated with the adult...

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 16:40

My now ex friend was like this, my dc would go off and play but hers had to sit and listen to adult conversation....
Partly why she is an ex friend.
Tell her then your dc will want to come and it won't be a leisurely walk!!

MatildaTheCat · 03/10/2018 16:41

I hear you. I have dog walking friends and very occasionally one of them brings along another person, not even necessarily a child, and it spoils the dynamic of the walk somehow.

Suggest the off school holiday walk but tell her you can’t change the time and would be really sorry to miss out on your adult time together. Also possibly suggest that dd doesn’t need to know precisely what happens when she is at school.

EmUntitled · 03/10/2018 16:42

If you usually go same time every werk maybe you could suggest she comes during half term, when she won't be at school. Just do what you normally do -go for a walk and have a chat - she might see that she's not missing much.

Original poster
TheKitchenWitch · 03/10/2018 16:44

I am frustrated because I think my SIL panders to her DD too much, and this was something really nice for both of us which there was no question of her DD coming to as she's at school.

SIL has on occasion invited me to hers for chat, wine etc in the evening and her DD never goes to bed, so at 10.30pm I end up just saying I'm off now as there are some topics which I don't discuss in front of the dc.

Aprilislongegone yes! This happens a lot too!

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 03/10/2018 16:44

Just say the time of day doesn't work for you

TwitterQueen1 · 03/10/2018 16:45

YANBU
Dog-walking is mindfulness / me time / relaxation / escape from normal daily activities. I would absolutely not want a child (no matter how lovely) tagging along. The whole point is to get away!

The dog has a minor part too of course Wink

category12 · 03/10/2018 16:45

Maybe it's seeing the dogs play together that's the draw?

I'd suggest half term and say it's not convenient to change the time otherwise.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/10/2018 16:46

Maybe talk to her and say you'd rather keep the time as it is because it's nice to catch up without the dc? Do you have dc?

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 16:46

Next time she invites you over get her to confirm it's a dc free evening or you could be at home with your own is my thinking!
If dc is still up just leave.
Evening visits =adult time!!

Original poster
TheKitchenWitch · 03/10/2018 16:48

TwitterQueen GrinGrinGrin Yes! exactly that. I also got the impression that she was enjyoing our time too, as she's only fairly recently moved back to this area (going through a divorce which yes, I realise affects DD too) (oh god, is that a dripfeed? Blush) and doesn't have any friends here.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheKitchenWitch · 03/10/2018 16:49

We do all meet up in the holidays or weekends, and the dogs come too, so I don't really see what the draw is about this in partcular. The only thing I can think of is that the DD doesn't want her mum doing ANYTHING without her.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/10/2018 16:52

It's also possible that she is oversharing with her DD, using her as a friend, a confidante. It wouldn't be unusual. You also said the 6 year old doesn't seem to have a set bedtime, so she may well be trying too hard to make up for the break up.

Could you have that conversation with her, do you think?

category12 · 03/10/2018 16:56

The Dd is insecure, probably because of the divorce. I'd be as tolerant as you can manage, but encourage dsil to keep on with the solo walks. Maybe do one in the evening to satisfy the dd and keep to the regular schedule otherwise?

WorriesGalore · 03/10/2018 17:13

Simply say that the revised timing does not work for you.

Gottensomedraws · 03/10/2018 17:20

I would be honest if she asks to change the timings and say, as you have above, that you enjoy your walks together and the time to chat together just the two of you. If you like your SIL ( and it sounds like you do) emphasise how much you like to spend the time together with her DD at weekends, but the walks are something you would like to keep going for you and her.

Witchofwisteria · 03/10/2018 17:35

You sound starved of adult company. I think that's more the issue, are their any clubs or something nearby like a walking club you could join to make friends?

If I'm wrong and its just an issue with SIL and your niece then YABU.

Andylion · 03/10/2018 17:36

I love my nephews and nieces but they always understood that "adult time" was for adults only. It usually just meant they had to entertain themselves while the adults had a cup of tea.

I don't blame you OP. Try using the adult time phrase, cheerily, with both your SiL and DN.

Gersemi · 03/10/2018 17:37

If her DD feels left out, the obvious answer is for her not to tell her DD about the walks. I'd seriously question whether your niece really will want to flog out again for a walk after a busy day in school, and she'll probably be even less interested once it's dark and cold in the evenings. I suspect this issue will go away on its own.

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