AIBU to expect more help around the house

[whenlifegivesyoulemons15]

So last night my partner and I had another row about the housework. I was upset that I woke up that morning to find mess he had made when he had gotten ready for work (tissues and glasses/cups left around and beard trimmings all over the sink).

I voiced to him that I was upset that I had to deal with that and of course he immediately went on the defensive, was going to do it later (he doesn't) cleans up after himself (rarely) and I am just as bad (absolutely not - I like a clean home).

Tried messaging him this morning as he leaves early for work to explain calmly how I feel that I do all the chores around the house and if he isn't going to help with those to please not make even more mess and generally be more considerate. His response shows that he is still on the defensive. Apparently he hates that all our arguments are his fault and doesn't think he is in the wrong. The only arguments we have ever had are about house work - because I would like more help and have expressed that numerous times (admittedly not always in the best of ways - but it all gets to boiling point sometimes). I do all the washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing etc.

We are both having a hard time at work at the moment, and my health isn't great, but surely it is better to work as a team to get things done.

Am I really being that unreasonable to expect a little consideration instead of having to clean up after him like a child? Or am I being too fussy?

You are being totally unreasonable to call it 'help' - he's not supposed to 'help' you because it isn't your job. He's supposed to be a partner to you and run the house with you rather than destroying the place and treating you like shit.

What Spaghetti said.

As long as you are in the mindset of thinking that he needs to 'help' you, then you aren't going to get anywhere

No, of course you're not being unreasonable.

He's just a lazy shit. Stop clearing up after him.

I had an ex like this. I ended up smashing a load of dirty plates on the floor because I was so pissed of at the expectation that I would 'fold' and do them again. Don't do that - wasn't very proud of myself.

He didn't change. Still a dirty, lazy bastard as far as I know, but I don't have to deal with it anymore.

Word of warning though, not sure how long you've been together or what your future plans are but do not have kids with his man. You'll just end up doing absolutely EVERYTHING.

I do all the washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing etc

See? You're already there. STOP IT. Stop enabling him.

Apparently he hates that all our arguments are his fault and doesn't think he is in the wrong. Then stop cleaning up after him. If he has done nothing wrong there will be nothing to tidy up.

And no, it isn't your job to tidy up after him, tissues and beard trimmings left lying around come under the heading dirty bastard and yes, he needs to grow up.

Ask him outright if he really thinks it is your job to clean up his personal grooming detritus and would he like you to wipe his bum whilst you are at it?

OK, maybe not. But do point out that he is acting like a grotty teenager and that you are not his bloody mother!

It's not help. It's pulling your weight as a member of a household.

Honestly just look on the relationships board and this comes up time and time and time again, a new thread everyday like yours. He wont get better. He doesnt care enough about you and your feelings and needs to change his behaviour. He doesnt see anything wrong with his behaviour. So just dump his sorry entitled arse and save yourself an awful lot of bother.

You're coming at this all wrong -- he's not 'helping' because housework is not your responsibility because you have a vagina. There are various basic household tasks that need doing on a regular basis. Divide them equally.

But it isn't 'help', it is his 'share' of the mess.

Try and sit down together and divide the list of chores up - do not make a list then give him half, do it together.

Things like plates/cups, get piled into the sink and done in one go when we have a chance. As long as plates etc aren't scattered all over the place, neither of us care.

When DH trims his beard over the sink, he clears it all up. When i shave my legs over the bath twice a year i clean it all up.

Bins are done by either of us once they're full.

DH cooks more, i wash up more. He sweeps and mops, i clean the bathroom, both do laundry, i iron, both walk the dog.

Ground rules were laid out in the first 6 months of living together. "I am not your mum" was rather a mantra of mine until we sorted it.

Sometimes things slip, and that's ok.

Stop doing everything. Leave all the stuff for him to do later. If he doesn't do it, leave it. He will very quickly learn.

Agree with previous posters - housework is his responsibility too. I don't begrudge tidying up, but I do begrudge tidying up after my dh.

He sees it as your job and so do you. Stop thinking of it as him helping you and start realising it's actually him choosing not to contribute towards your house being clean. He's opting out and it's not good enough.

Stop doing his stuff! Surely he can be trusted to use a washing machine and an iron? Cook on alternate days?

Thank you all for your posts, I feel a lot better knowing I am not being unreasonable feeling like this.

I guess I feel like it is more "help" because I was my home first that he moved into. I have a son from a previous relationship so a fair share of the housework comes from generally looking after a child - which I don't expect him to have to do - just do his own share.

We are both in our late 20s and it is his first time living away from home and to put it bluntly he has been completely mollycuddled (sp?) which is not at all helpful. You're right I want to scream "I am not your mother" constantly.

Its such a shame that this seems to be a sticking point that keeps coming up because in every other way our relationship is great. He and my son adore each other and are the best of friends. I love him dearly - just not his mess!

We have been living together for a year and I don't feel like it was this bad to start with so I am wondering is it the strain at work, or has he just got more comfortable over time and started doing less, or perhaps I just didn't notice it and wasn't bothered by it before and have now been worn down.

Your home first?

Tell him he either starts to pull his weight and to take care of his own home or he goes back to his real mother.

If he isn't ready to be a grown up you do not need to take on the responsibility for him Apart form anything else what kind of role model would you both n=e being for your son?

Best of friends... pshaw!

Your relationship is great? You've told him this really bothers you and you've asked him to do very simple things to improve it and he just refuses and tells you he doesn't think he's wrong. He thinks it's absolutely fine to leave mess all over the house, stress you out and then refuse to listen when you say how much it bothers you. That's not a great relationship in my book.

He is being outrageously unreasonable and I'm shocked you even have to ask. He needs to do his fair share of the housework otherwise he will never understand the consequences of his actions i.e. if you make a mess then it's a pain in the arse to clear it up. For as long as you do it all he can frame any request you make as "nagging" or accuse you of always getting at him. You need to make his mess his problem to deal with.

Write a list of tasks that need doing eg shopping cooking washing up, wipe down kitchen surfaces, mop, clean bathroom, hoover etc

Decide between you how often you do them (clearly some will be every day and some weekly or less). You might need to compromise so if he thinks hoovering every month and you think every week then every 3 weeks. To show you're listening and get his buy in.

Decide between you who will do each task. Then decide what you will do if the tasks aren't done as the agreement will be broken (could be a fun forfeit or something just to get the point across eg if x number of tasks are missed he takes you out for a meal)

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here - if you have just moved out of your parents home then he may not be aware of the effort you go to in planning and doing everything to make sure the house runs smoothly.

If he still doesn't pull his weight after you've educated him then he clearly doesn't give a shit what you think

'I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER'

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat until he gets the message.

Or send him back to Mummy.

Tell him acting like your dm is making you see him in a negative light....