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AIBU to ask how to have a child through a sperm donor as a single woman on an average salary

1 reply

Hellomumsne · 03/10/2018 13:51

This isn't strictly an AIBU topic but I thought I'd post here for traffic. I've been reading another thread on about a 39-year-old who wants a baby but her partner "isn't ready". I was in this situation a year ago and also asked advice from the lovely people of mumsnet (under a different username). Similarly to the advice given on the post above, I was also advised to leave my partner and go it alone using sperm donor or to find someone else.

So fast forward a year or so, I didn't listen and stayed in the "I'm not ready for a baby yet" relationship until it ended a few months ago. (He's already seeing someone new).

I'm now 39 and would really love to go it alone and try the sperm donor route as I don't feel I have time to go back to dating and would love to be a mother. I've already had my fertility checks and have been told it's possible.

However, I'd really love to hear from anyone that's done this with no local support and on a low salary.

I own a one bedroom flat and earn £24000 a year in a temporary role, although I'm hoping that could increase to £35000 if I switch to a different company. I also don't have any family in the city I live in (London) so wouldn't be able to call on anyone for baby sitting. My salary wouldn't cover full-time childcare, even if I was able to get £35000. Moving to my parents' small town isn't an option.

In a previous relationship, I let my career slide when we were getting ready to start a family and I switched to something else that I thought would work better around childcare... but my career suffered as a result and has only really got back on track in the last few years, so I'm worried about my career suffering in that way again. (And that relationship ended years ago, without children).

How have other people managed to do this alone? Do people get any state help or tax credits etc and are these enough on top of a low-ish salary to afford a child and childcare?

Are there any groups for single women to team up and help each other out with childcare or general support in London?

I've also considered teaming up with a male co-parent on the coparenting website as it would be great for the child to have an extra family and father, but I'd worry about doing this with essentially a stranger and what their reasons would be for wanting access alone with a child (although I'd feel much more comfortable with a gay couple than a single, straight guy)...

The mumsnet advice to do it alone with donor sperm (and find your partner afterwards) seems like a great choice, but realistically for an average person like me on an average to low salary, how is this logistically possible?

Would love to hear from anyone who has done this! :) (Sorry for the long post).

PS, I'm also at work so sorry if I don't reply too much until later.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/10/2018 14:17

You might want to post on the Donor Conception forum - it's very active and there are lots of us from various different situations.

FWIW between us my DP and I earn maybe about 27k (I freelance so it's not that predictable), and we get childcare vouchers and child benefit. I don't think we're eligible for anything else. It would be very tight it we were paying for childcare. We used up quite a lot of savings having our DD, who was conceived with donor sperm, as we went through a clinic. But I know there are people on the donor conception boards who just ordered sperm and did DIY, and that is much cheaper.

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