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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone have a rather lazy teen that managed to get into uni and turn it around?

26 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/10/2018 12:46

Currently year 13, needs to apply to unis in the next few weeks and keen to go.

Great set of GCSEs despite not much with going on, A levels different story. Can't see high grades emerging!

However, if she does manage to get onto a uni course I'm worried she'll still continue in this lazy can't be arsed frame of mind and end up with a huge debt for nothing. Not to mention what it may cost us topping up the loan!

She's convinced she'll step up at uni as it'll be something she's interested in and she hates school. I'm worried it'll be a three year piss up which will cost her dearly .... I still have to drag her out of bed!!

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/10/2018 12:54

Some of my most bone idle A level students became almost exemplary Undergrads, in the 2nd year.

But that laziness cost them months of nagging, anxiety, pissed offness and sheer churlishness!

Not to mention the panic when they see the exam papers. And tears when they get less than stellar results.

Sometimes you just have to let them be the lazy sods that they are - leave her in bed. Let her deal with the fall out for once. Tell her plainly that she is in control and she either goes to school/college or gets a job, remind her very clearly that this is what everyone has to do when their childhood changes into adulthood, it isn't something the world is throwing at her alone.

And yes, I had the same conversation with hundreds of other peoples teens. It helped with some!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/10/2018 12:55

Oh, and I love that disconnect... she'll love University as she will be interested.

But hasn't considered that University won't want her, no mater how interested she is as, without decent grades they won't find her interesting at all

Jezzifishie · 03/10/2018 12:56

My sister scraped through a levels, scraped through first 2 years at uni, when it finally clicked during her third year. We can't get her out of uni now, she's collecting degrees I've also got 3 friends who didn't turn it around at uni, but have all been successful in getting good, steady jobs etc. One of those was just too interested in other things at uni (volunteer work, rather than the degree) but it was this work that got his foot in the door for jobs later...

EmUntitled · 03/10/2018 12:56

My brother dropped out of college when he was 18. He did a bit of nothing for a while, got a job in Waitrose and then a few years later went back to college and was really successful. He's now in his last year of an undergrad degree in a subject he loves.

I think some teenagers (sorry to stereotype, but its often boys) are a bit too immature to do college and uni in their late teens and need a few years to grow up and work out what they want to do.

NancyDonahue · 03/10/2018 13:11

My friend had one of those. He ended up working and volunteering for two years before going to uni. It gave him a good idea of his likes and dislikes and his strengths and weaknesses, as well as saving money, and was more keen and mature as a result when he went back to studying. He already had his A levels and with his brilliant PS detailing his work experience he ended up with some amazing unconditional offers.

I personally feel that for many young people, 18 is too young to make such a huge decision and commitment. I think a year or two after college working or volunteering helps give them some focus and some much needed life skills.

gwenneh · 03/10/2018 13:25

I was that lazy teen!

It took failing a little bit, and being uncomfortable, to learn the value of uni. When I did eventually turn it around, I had made things exponentially harder for myself, and racked up more student debt than was strictly necessary.

However it did help me find a career path, so when I did eventually get my education sorted, it was with a purpose, and that has helped me greatly.

KinCat · 03/10/2018 13:29

My DH was very lazy at university but pulled it together and got a good degree. His cousin almost did the same but got kicked out rather than given a second chance.

You don't necessarily need to top up the loan, she can get a job - that's what I did.

MaMisled · 03/10/2018 13:38

Yup! I got one! My DC has totally amazed me! Bright but very lazy at school. Laid in bed every spare minute. Did no exercise. Homework always a last minute panic. Revision barely given a thought. No real energy or enthusiasm for much except eating but generally a happy soul. Just lazy and uninspired.

Went to uni Oct 17 and is a different person! Motivated, opinionated, passionate, independent, capable, managing finances and workload beautifully and loving uni life!

Hadehahaha · 03/10/2018 13:40

I was one!

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/10/2018 20:45

Thanks all 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/10/2018 21:01

I really want her to defer for a year and do something else/mature ... but worried she'll stay in bed/party ... repeat

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UsedtobeFeckless · 03/10/2018 21:10

DS1 - coasted his GCSEs, scraped through his As after changing his mind at the last minute about what he wanted to do, spent a year washing up in the local pub then went off to uni and changed more or less overnight into a motivated, energetic pillar of the establishment already planning his Phd ... He puts it down to finding the right course and loving the subject, the town and the whole experience - don't give up, she might surprise you!

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/10/2018 09:00

Well I'm not sure if this is going to be an issue now …… she refused to get out of bed for a uni open day today. I tried my best …. I don't want her to turn around in a couple of years and say I wasn't supportive/didn't try.

The ball's in her court! Although I could have done without a 6am start on a Saturday if I'd known she wasn't bothering.

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AsleepAllDay · 06/10/2018 09:02

Me! I hated the science subjects I was doing at high school, went to uni and wasn't too into what I was studying but discovered a side passion that is now my career. Even at uni I wasn't a stellar student winning prizes and all that but I found my passion and that has changed my life

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/10/2018 09:06

AsleepAllDay - your user name could be DD's - good to hear a positive outcome though.

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matildawormwoood · 06/10/2018 09:10

This was me. I failed my A-levels, had to resit them all and do an extra year in college. I failed them again! But an ex poly took me even with my grades.

Even in first year of uni I spent the majority of my time going out and didn't do much work, but second and especially third year I really started to enjoy learning, came out with a high 2:1 (could have been a first had I put more effort in during second year though).

I am now at one of the top 5 uni's in the UK studying my masters and will be applying for PhD's for next year. It can happen, I think she mostly needs to learn for herself like I did when I realised it was my own future at stake, not anybody else's!

Sophiesdog11 · 06/10/2018 10:03

It sounds like she may not even be bothered to apply to uni, which could be a good thing, as she will have an enforced gap year after A levels. You just have to be strict about her not lazing around during that year, she has to work/volunteer etc.

I have an immature 18yo, finished BTEC this summer, not sure what she wants to do at all, or even if she will go uni. We all agreed that a gap year would be the best thing - she has a PT retail job that pays reasonably well, lots of overtime, and is sorting out some local volunteering at present, plus is a young guide leader.

Her plan is to do some volunteering/travelling abroad from next summer, once she has saved up money (currently finishing paying off her car and insurance, then moving on to travel fund, does have a social life but not excessive). So it looks like a gap year may turn into 2 years, but as long as she is doing something there is not much we can say. No point pushing her into making a decision about future career too early and she has said that she hopes volunteering may help her in decision making. She can laze around like any other teenager, but is generally off when I am at work and does help in house and with dog walking.

A friend from work has a DD similar to yours. Grammar school, v good GCSEs, was originally predicted v good A levels but that has changed as she now has a job and social life and studying seems to come a distant third. My friend is panicking that her DD isn't sure what she wants to do, isn't sure she will stick uni and apply herself etc, but is pushing and pushing her to do PS. I can see her DD being turned off applying this year, and I have tried to suggest a gap year, as per my DD, but my friend thinks thats only ok as long as she still applies this year.

She doesn't seem to want to take on board - let her do A levels and apply next year. She thinks she wont apply. I have tried to reason with her that 18yo have to make up their own mind, we cant make it for them. I have learnt that from my DD!!!

I do think there is too much pressure to apply in Yr 13 and go straight from A levels. I have a few friends like my colleague, who think they must go at 18 and who quite clearly look down on my DD for not currently being at uni!!!!

But I also know a few who have gone after a gap year or 2 and are thriving. One is a uni housemate of my DS, she was almost 21 when she went, having had 2 yrs of travelling and working, and the difference in maturity when sorting out their shared house was very obvious. She very much took the lead.

Broken11Girl · 06/10/2018 10:11

Don't get her out of bed, at sixth form age she should be doing that herself tbh. I'd let go a bit. She doesn't get her arse up for school or college she faces the consequences. Same with uni applications. If she doesn't go, she will need to get a job and pay keep. She may well pull it out and surprise you though.

Broken11Girl · 06/10/2018 10:17

To be fair, the amount of work involved in A-levels compared to GCSEs can be a shock at this stage to bright DC who breezed through until now. She will probably 'click'.

MorrisZapp · 06/10/2018 10:21

My best friend dropped out of uni, totally couldn't be arsed with it. Got a part time job at French Connection. Changed jobs many times and with no qualifications whatsoever now manages a huge department in the civil service.

Uni isn't the one true path to greatness. I have two nephews both doing really well on apprenticeships too.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/10/2018 10:29

DS gave up a subject after AS level because he didn't like essay writing, was pushed by teachers through a BTec in which he scraped a bare pass, realised at uni this was his last chance to do well, got a first. Now making full use of his laziness by finding quicker and easier ways of doing things, and is very well paid for it. Oh, and the interpersonal skills he learnt while arsing around with his school friends have stood him in good stead too.

3TresTrois · 06/10/2018 10:33

I was that lazy teen, too.

Scraped my A Levels and got nowhere near my predicted grades.

But did a subject at university I was really passionate about and was a pretty exemplary student. Just missed a first, then got a Distinction in my Masters.

I really did just need to be engaged in something I was interested in.

SadieAB9 · 06/10/2018 14:53

I was that lazy teen! Parents forced me from course to course with threats that I'd be kicked out if I had a year off. Eventually went to live with a friend and had a year out and realised it wasn't as fun as I'd thought! Ended up super motivated after the year off, went and did a course I was passionate about having had time to realise what I really wanted to do, saved up, travelled, volunteered, then went to uni, and am now enjoying a career. Without that year off of self discovery I expect I'd be stuck in a dead end job I'd taken on out of obligation.

LibraryLurker · 06/10/2018 15:08

I know it is a bit different now that youngsters have to be in Education or Training until 18 but Back in the 1980's I knew a head of 6th for who told all her students that they should have a good alarm clock and that it was their responsibility and not their parents to ensure they got to school each day and got their work done. So no chasing parents, it was the sixth former she held accountable. She found that after a few weeks most of her students realised they had to take the responsibility. So I'd say tough love might work. Stop facilitating her, stop taking responsibility for getting her up. A few weeks should show you if she really wants to go to Uni or not. Then, if she ends up with poor grades and has to resit, or re think she will know it was down to her.

ilovesooty · 06/10/2018 15:09

I think I'd be telling her that with that attitude she can forget about university and at the end of her A levels she can get a job and pay board if she intends to stay at home.
She might get more motivated later on.

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