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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Elderly NDN

21 replies

londonliv · 03/10/2018 11:04

I suspect IABU but need to get it off my chest. We just moved a couple of months ago to a new area, I am 35 weeks pregnant.

Our NDN is an 85 year old widow who lives with her son. I suspect she is fairly lonely & spends a lot of her time watching out the window.
If I see her in the street I always say hello & will be friendly but I'm starting to find her a bit over bearing.

Now, whenever we have a parcel/groceries delivered she comes round 5 minutes later to check I am ok & the delivery man didn't make me carry anything. It's very sweet of her but I'm finding it a bit much, particularly as I time deliveries for weekends/when my DH is WFH. Yesterday she cane round to check we did find the amazon delivery which had been left in our porch.

AIBU to find this a bit much? I don't want to be bothered all the time. I'm always polite to her but don't know how to tell her to stop coming round all the time without sounding rude.

OP posts:

teaandtoast · 03/10/2018 11:19

Don't answer the door.

Havaina · 03/10/2018 11:27

Poor lady. Does she get any visitors?

Could you get DH to answer the door next time she rings the bell?

Any chance you can invite her for a cup of tea every few weeks. That may be that be too difficult with a baby though.

Sunnymeg · 03/10/2018 11:32

She sounds like she is lonely to me. She is probably looking for excuses to pop round and enjoy your company. I presume her son works during the day? Perhaps it would be better to get DH to open the door to her when he is home as that may put her off knocking. She is probably acting with good intentions, but you need to nip this in the bud before the baby arrives.

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews · 03/10/2018 11:33

YANBU. ours were like this. My husband felt guilty so was always too friendly which was frustrating as I was on maternity leave and this led to all sorts of questions and door knocking when he was out. The day she knocked when I was expressing milk on the sofa, sending the dog mental and crashing into the blinds giving a clear view of me was the day I decided enough. From then on, I was polite but kept chat to a minimum even if it was awkward. I stressed If she needed anything to please let me know via phone (I took her husband to a hospital appointment, painted her fence, which I was happy doing) but made it clear daily drop ins and unscheduled visits weren’t welcome. I did invite her to meet the baby and for a mince pie at Christmas.

She turned out to be a great neighbour and did get the hint. I didn’t want her to be unsupported but equally didn’t feel rude letting her know we are busy, private people.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2018 11:34

Ahh she does sound really lonely poor lady. If its not convenient, don't answer the door.

Whitefeathersbutnotfrompigeons · 03/10/2018 11:44

She must be very lonely and is only looking out for you. It must feel like a long day when you have nothing else to do I expect. Just pretend you didn't hear the door sometimes then she might understand how busy you are!

Original poster

londonliv · 03/10/2018 11:47

I know, I suspect she is very lonely which makes me feel bad. DH has been a lot more patient & will chat more with her but I've had a chest infection & a dodgy tummy so really am not in the mood for polite chit chat.

Unfortunately I can't ignore the door as she can see me sitting in the sitting room but have blinds on order.

I also don't want to be too friendly as I don't want her constantly popping by when I'm on maternity leave.

OP posts:

Havaina · 03/10/2018 11:52

If DH is opening the door to her and chatting with her then let him deal with it. Maybe he doesn't mind?

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 11:53

Invest in a' baby sleeping' sign for the front door. Maybe get a pregnant lady napping one made?

Whitefeathersbutnotfrompigeons · 03/10/2018 12:00

Can you close the curtains a little? I had to finally do this after one too many spur of the moment visits from Mil to see newborn when trying to breastfeed or express. She kept turning up then saying I should just give up on it and bottle feed when told I was struggling. It was her causing the problems! Shut the curtains and ignore the knocking until you feel up to it.

Original poster

londonliv · 03/10/2018 12:00

Definitely need a pregnant lady napping one - she woke me up the other day! DH prefers me to answer as he says that I'm the one she wants to see & IABU but I think I may make him in future.

Quite tempted to invest in one of those video doorbells so I can see who is there & also turn volume off when baby is sleeping.

OP posts:

Patapouf · 03/10/2018 12:15

I would have zero patience for this, nip it in the bud. Unfortunately I'm not sure there is a polite way to do this but I'm not sure I would be happy to entertain this indefinitely and would probably rather hurt an old dears feelings, but I'm evil

Belina · 03/10/2018 12:22

OP honestly you are not being unreasonable I get she is lonely but sometimes you just want to be left alone

I had an elderly neighbour like this a few years ago and I stopped answering the door he then turned bitter and started making false complaints about me to the council including I dont answer the door to him

Havaina · 03/10/2018 12:23

He prefers me to answer as he says that I'm the one she wants to see & IABU but I think I may make him in future.

Oh does he now! Tell him to jog on in that case! If he wants someone to talk to neighbour, it should be him!

Quite tempted to invest in one of those video doorbells so I can see who is there & also turn volume off when baby is sleeping.

Sounds like a good idea.

Belina · 03/10/2018 12:23

There is the speech doorbells you can answer from your phone and just pick it up without moving telling her you are okay and can't come to the door

oldsewandsew · 03/10/2018 12:42

I really feel for you OP! We had some really overbearing old neighbours, who used to pop round all the time, and want to come in, or ask my DD(2!) if she wanted to pop in to their house. They were very nice people, but we found it far too much. Unfortunately things came to a hear when they started trying to dictate some work we were having done to our house, that didn’t affect them in the slightest. We had a bit of a fall out, but I have to say it has made our life so much easier! Other neighbours hate us for it, but none of them were the focus for these people (they are child free, and it is our DC they love) and clearly have no idea how stifling it can be. I think you have to be a bit firmer, or at the very least, more aloof.

Severide08 · 03/10/2018 12:45

OP I work with the elderly and I don't think YABU . She does sound very lonely and she has latched onto you but you are right it will become to much .Don't know where you live but some areas do have volunteers who befriend the elderly does sound as if she needs a friend even just to pop round for a cup of tea .How approachable is her son , perhaps your DH could have a chat about this say you are going to have your hands full soon .Sadly a lot of our elderly are lonely as we are living longer .
You are a lovely neighbour for caring but you have enough to cope with .

Original poster

londonliv · 03/10/2018 12:57

Unfortunately son doesn't seem very approachable. She told me he's been living with her since he had an argument with his wife a few years ago which resulted in his wife falling over & hurting herself & then she left him

She also told my DH that her son had a week off work but wouldn't take her out anywhere or mow the lawn - I think she was hoping my DH would offer to do it instead but luckily he didn't.

I hate the thought of being unfriendly but I'm already finding it a bit much & I'm only home PT at the moment.

OP posts:

Fullofregrets33 · 03/10/2018 13:22

When that lady was young everyone would have been popping in and out of each other's houses. It's just not like that now.
Shes probably latched on to you because your pregnant and she would love to see the baby etc.
It is a shame but it is not your problem. Just stick with short replies and put a sign up when baby arrives saying please do not knock on the door

BMW6 · 03/10/2018 13:22

I would go with the sign suggestion "sleeping - please do not knock/ring unless urgent or you have a delivery to make"

Severide08 · 03/10/2018 13:48

OP you are not being unfriendly at all ,you have enough to cope with .Sadly that is not an uncommon senario with the son .Not really much anyone can do if the son not prepared to help. It's is really sad but common.

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